In Soviet Russia, Mother Translates You!

, , , , | Related | October 7, 2018

(I am on holiday with my parents. To enter many tourist places in Moscow, you have to go through metal detectors and a bag check. My first language is English but I can understand some Russian. However, I struggle if it’s spoken quickly. My mother, who is fluent, has gone through the detector. The guard says something quickly to me, which I don’t catch. I look at my mum for help, so she comes over.)

Mum: “Put your bag on the table and walk through.”

(The guard looks confused as I place the bag on the table and walk through the detector. The guard says something else, and I glance at my mum again.)

Mum: “Take the bag.”

(I do so. The guard frowns but says something else.)

Mum: “Open it.”

(I open the bag. The guard, still looking really confused, checks it and nods to indicate I can go. It is at this moment that I realise why the guard is so confused.)

Me: *in English* “Mum, thanks for translating all of his instructions into Russian for me.”

Mum: “Wait, did I really?”

(The guard apparently understood some English because at this point, he looked at us and laughed before returning to checking the next person.)

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A Lot Of Passengers Come In Already Spoilt

, , , | Right | September 10, 2018

Passenger: *putting his bags into the X-ray machine* “Oh, I have pies in these…”

Me: “Is something wrong, sir?”

Passenger: “It’s just, won’t they get spoilt?”

Colleague: *sitting at the X-ray monitor* “Well, you don’t get spoilt when you receive an X-ray, do you?”

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Unfiltered Story #119375

, , | Unfiltered | September 4, 2018

(I work at the TSA checkpoint, usually standing in front of the metal detector/scanner and helping the passengers on what to do, which includes giving instructions to take all the metal objects out of their pockets. A passenger lady is in front of the detector, and I’m listing the objects to put out:)

Me: “…including coins, keys, trinkets, lighters and cigarettes.”

Lady: “I don’t smoke, I am a decent woman!”

(After the lady is over with her check and off to the waiting zone. A female colleague, who is a smoker, pipes in:)

Female Colleague: “Apparently, that makes half of us whores here.”

Symptoms May Include Death And Sarcasm

, , , | Healthy | November 29, 2017

(Back in college I spent a summer living in Russia. Midway through my stay I came down with strep throat. This is the first time I’ve had it since I was a kid, when I got it yearly. My program director takes me to a clinic that specializes in treating foreigners. After diagnosing me, the doctor comes back into my room with a pile of medication, none of which I recognize. Since I take other medications, I ask him if there are drug interactions I should be aware of. He proceeds to take the paper inserts out of every box he has and read them. After a few minutes he looks up and says:)

Doctor: “I don’t know; if the reaction is bad, stop taking them?”

Me: “Great. So, if I die, I’ll stop taking them.”

(Thankfully I never had a reaction but I still have no idea what it was that he gave me. Bonus? My host mother was convinced I got sick from drinking cold beverages in the hot weather.)

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(Ursa) Major Pain In The A**

, , , | Right | September 29, 2010

(A customer calls and asks that he and his friend need to be picked up. He sounds intoxicated.)

Me: “Where should the driver pick you up?”

Caller: “Do you know Ursa Major?”

Me: “Ursa Major? Is it the name of a local business? A restaurant or a hotel?”

Caller: “What is this world coming to? It is a constellation! In the sky! We are standing right under it!”


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