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Well, You Have Our Attention

, , , , , | Learning | August 8, 2021

It’s my freshman year of high school, and my biology class is just finishing up our nervous system unit with a test. The class is deathly quiet when, suddenly, this woman from the front office pops into our room, yells, “PENIS!” and darts right back out and down the hall. Our teacher almost immediately starts choking on her spit trying not to laugh out loud as she briefly goes into the hall to calm down, leaving all of us completely baffled as to what the h*** just happened.

It turns out that our next unit is on the reproductive system, and our teacher asked the woman — a good friend of hers — to come to all of her classes to yell that as part of our teacher’s tactic to get our immature amusement of the topic out of our systems in the first lesson. Unfortunately for her, our teacher forgot to mention that our specific class period was running a class behind her other periods, so all she really did was scare and confuse the crap out of us during a test!

Lonely, He’s Mister Lonely

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Mike_OxonFaier | August 7, 2021

Back in 1999, I worked for a British phone company in the billing department. One day, I got a call from a customer wanting to discuss some phone numbers that had appeared on his bill. I went through security questions and then looked at his bill. I was shocked by what I saw. His monthly phone bill was just over £1,500.00 which, given that my rent for a two-bedroom flat at the time was £450.00, was an astonishing amount. I looked more carefully and found hundreds or perhaps thousands of calls to premium-rate sex lines.

I asked the customer where he wanted me to start, and he only wanted to identify a couple of local rate calls. I found the information he wanted, and he said thank you and hung up.

A colleague saw me with my mouth still agape.

Colleague: “Was that [Customer]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Colleague: “That guy calls every month with the same sort of question, and his bill is always around £1,500.00. All sex lines. It’s amazing. I mean, he could hire a prostitute every day and spend less.”

I never had a customer like that again.

That’ll Teach Her To Knock

, , , , , | Related | August 6, 2021

My sister and I have about an eleven-year age gap between us. I’m twenty-six and newly married and she is fifteen, kind of naive, and living with my parents about four blocks from my husband and me. We have always been very close, and I gave her a key to our home for emergencies or even if she just needs a break from our parents to vent some teenage angst.

One day, she decides to come and chat unannounced and walks through the front door to see my husband and me in, let’s say, an enthusiastically intimate position. She panics and bolts out of the house. She calls me as she’s making her way back to our parents’ house.

Sister: “Oh, my God! I can’t believe you! We both went to the same church! How could you?!”

Me: “What are you talking about? We are married adults; even by church rules, we are in the clear.”

Sister: “It’s two o’clock on a Saturday! Why?!”

Me: “It’s hot outside and it’s fun?”

Sister: “I didn’t need to see that!”

Me: “You walked into my house!”

Sister: “I’m telling Mom.”

I did get a call from our mother later, apologizing for my sister’s behavior and saying she needed to talk to my sister about boundaries and healthy sexual relationships.

Remaining Cool As A Cucumber

, , | Right | August 2, 2021

I am eighteen, working my first retail job. Two fraternity brothers are buying a cucumber, condoms, and KY-Jelly; the old college “make the clerk blush” game.

Fraternity Bro: “Would you like to be the third in our group?”

Me: *While pointing at the cucumber.* “Looks like you two already have your third.”

I’m the last of five kids who all worked at a bar and they were always telling me stories on how to handle people.

He Partook WAY Too Much

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2021

I am working in the “suits and men’s accessories” department. On an initially unremarkable Monday morning, I am approached at around 11:00 am by a man who smells strongly of alcohol and is looking for pyjama pants.

Customer: “I’m on vacation here from Nevada. Do you know the area?”

Me: “I’m pretty familiar. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “Know where I can score some weed?”

I freeze, partly because I’m still in Customer Service mode and legitimately don’t know, and partly because the question is so unexpected.

Customer: *Laughs* “I guess you don’t indulge? That’s okay.”

He then sweeps me up into a hug and, caught off guard, I stay frozen until he lets me go. Laughing, he walks off. I mention it to my manager, jokingly self-reporting myself for letting a customer leave with an unanswered question, and then get back to my regular duties.

About twenty minutes later, the young lady working in the next department over comes to me in a panic and asks for my help.

Coworker: “There’s a naked guy in my fitting room hallway. He tried to hug me.”

Me: *With a sinking feeling* “Was he about this tall, southern accent?”

Sure enough, it is the same guy. I tell her to call security and head over to see what I can accomplish. He’s standing there with a pile of clothes in his hands (and nowhere else) and he smiles when he sees me.

Customer: “Hey, I’d like to buy these. Can you ring me up?”

I take his shoulder and guide him to a fitting booth:

Me: “I’ll be happy to, just as soon as you’re dressed.”

I closed the door in his face and exited to find my coworker, who informed me that security was busy with a shoplifter and couldn’t be bothered with our situation. My department was empty, so I lingered a few minutes to make sure this ended well, only for the hugger to exit the dressing room and make a beeline for the exit between our departments. We just let him go; there was a pile of clothes in the booth he’d used, but we couldn’t be sure if it was all of what he’d had or not. We never found out if he was related to the other shoplifting situation or if he was a bizarre coincidence.