Finally Registers The Reason Why  

, , , , , , | Right | October 7, 2019

(I am stocking shelves at a pharmacy. An elderly gentleman, at least in his 70s, walks up to me and looks at my nametag.)

Customer: “Mister [My Name], yes, I was wondering if you could open up a register for me?”

(I look at the cashier stands. Two are operating, and the lines are not busy at all.)

Me: “The wait shouldn’t be very long. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “I really just need you to open a register for me, please.”

Me: *very confused* “I assure you, the ladies running the registers right now are competent and will have you out the door in no time.”

Customer: “That’s just it. They are ladies…”

(He turns to me and exposes the large box of condoms he has secreted in his jacket.)

Customer: “I wouldn’t be so brazen!”

Me: “Right this way, sir.”

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Star Wars But With Nudity

, , , | Right | September 29, 2019

(Working at a library and council service, we cater to people of all walks of life and come across some colourful characters.)

Patron: *approximately fifty years old* “Do you have the Star Wars movies available in the library at the moment?”

Me: “I’ll have a look at our system. Which ones were you after?”

Patron: “The first ones in the series.”

Me: “So, A New Hope and—”

Patron: “No, no, no, the first ones. With The Empire Strikes Back… and one with clones I think?”

Me: *becoming confused* “So… The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith?”

Patron: *becoming frustrated* “No, the original ones. You’re young; surely you watched them as a child?”

Me: “Sir, that would be the trilogy beginning with A New Hope… Regardless, we don’t have any of the first six movies available right now.”

Patron: “No the first one was just called Star Wars. You know what, never mind. I’ll just look it up myself.”

(Ten minutes later:)

Patron: “How do I log into the Wi-Fi?”

Me: “Here is a pamphlet with details of the security key and how to input your password.”

Patron: “It won’t let me log in, see?” *server error page comes up* “I think my password is wrong; I don’t remember it. I thought it was just the last digits of my membership number.”

Me: “It could be. There’s no way for me to check that as it’s kept private on our system. However, I can change it to something you’ll remember.”

Patron: “But how can I change it? I just want to use the Wi-Fi on my phone.”

Me: “Sir, I will change it for you on our system. Would you like me to set it to the last digits of your membership number so it’s easy to remember? You can always change it to something else yourself once you log in.”

Patron: “Oh, I guess I should make it something different or people could do funny business with it, otherwise.” *chuckles to himself*

Me: “Right… so, what would you like me to change it to?”

Patron: “Just make it the last four digits of my member number, love.”

Me: “All righty, then.”

(We then go to test the login.)

Me: “All right, now exit out of the Wi-Fi settings and go to your internet browser.”

(The patron presses the home button on his phone, bringing up his phone’s wallpaper of a young naked woman with her arms and legs in strategic places.)

Patron: *laughs nervously* “Oh, haha, don’t look! There’s a naked lady there; you shouldn’t be seeing that.”

Me: *trying desperately to refrain from rolling my eyes and thinking to myself* “I encounter that image literally every day when I get changed. I’m not the one who should be averting my eyes.”


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Discount Or Dismount?

, , , , , | Right | September 28, 2019

(An older man comes up to the counter where I am currently ringing. On either side of me are the other two shift managers; both are distracted by work-related things, leaving me alone to ring. The man has with him an older engineering book that is rather high in price.)

Customer: “Is there any discount on this?”

Me: “We don’t have any discounts right now, but let me see if I can knock off a few bucks for you.”

(While I’m looking at the date, we price the book and the condition, the man bemoans about how old it is, and that it’s too high, and that there’s a small tear on page whatever, essentially trying his best to find a discount by any means necessary. Just as I decide to give him 10%, he comes out with this gem.)

Customer: “What if I let you ride me like a horse?”

Me: *stares at him in alarm for a good ten seconds before firmly saying* “SIR. That is not appropriate whatsoever to say to me. I don’t want you saying anything like that to my staff here, either. Now then, you’ll be taking this book today, right?”

Customer: *stutters* “I… Well, yes, I am sor—”

Me: “GREAT.” *scans book* “That’ll be [total]! Credit or cash today, sir?”

Customer: “Cash, um, yeah, I only meant—”

Me:Awesome. Do you need a bag today, sir?”

Customer: *gets the hint and nods, giving me the cash and eventually leaving*

Other Two Managers: “DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!”

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This Class Has Spunk

, , , , | Learning | September 27, 2019

(I’m in my English class, and we’re reading “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” The second line in the book is something along the lines of, “They commit dirty sex acts and then mop it up before I can catch them.”)

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what ‘it’ is? What are they mopping up?”

Me: “Spunk?”

Teacher: “Uhh…”

Me: “Jizz?”

Teacher: “Maybe you should use more formal terms.”

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The Naked Truth About Photo Developing

, , , , | Right | September 24, 2019

(It is back in the days when photos are developed on film. I am an 18-year-old girl working one-hour photo. A college-age guy comes in with his girlfriend. They’re both staring at the ground and acting very nervous. This generally means I’m going to get asked a particular question.)

Customer: “Do you, um, process… um… Do you do… pictures? Like, you know…”

Me: *brightly* “Nudes?”

Customer: *finds the floor even more interesting*

Me: *totally deadpan* “One person in the photo, no touching, no toys. State law. If there are any children or animals involved I will call the police.” *cheerful again* “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(The boy shoved a roll of film at me and hightailed it out of the store without saying another word. I covered the print window with a paper plate and started processing the film.)

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