Would Have Been A “Grim” Introduction To Elephant Mating

, , , , , | Working | August 15, 2018

(Due to a history of items being stolen from our library, all DVDs are kept in locked cases which are then unlocked upon checkout, and all blu-ray discs are kept under the front desk and must be inserted into their correct cases by a librarian upon checkout. A patron approaches me, accompanied by two young children, and hands me a blu-ray case.)

Patron: “Hi, I borrowed this last time, but my husband said that when he went to play it, it had the wrong disc inside.”

(I glance at the front and see that it is a popular, G-rated kids’ movie. I look inside and see that there is no title on the disc itself, but it shows a very close-up image of what appears to be an elephant’s behind — nothing graphic, though.)

Me: “Oh, no! Sorry about that. There must have been a mix-up somewhere along the line. I’ll just look up the code of the disc.”

(All items have a code, which is pasted onto both the disc and its cases, making it easy to match them up. I search the code, and my eyes widen in horror as I see the search result.)

Me: “This… is not a children’s film… I’m so sorry.”

Patron: *cheerfully* “Oh, no, that’s all fine. Don’t worry; we’d already seen the movie anyway and we were re-borrowing it. Sorry that you have to spend time chasing that up now.”

Me: “Yeah, no worries. I’ll, um, I’ll take care of it.”

(The patron leaves.)

Coworker: *seeing my frozen mask of simultaneous panic and relief* “What’s up?”

Me: “I can’t believe that just happened.”

(It turned out that whoever had taken the blu-ray disc from behind the counter had grabbed the wrong one. Instead of going home with a light-hearted kids’ film, this family had been given the MA15+ rated movie “Grimsby” by Sacha Baron Cohen. Those familiar with Borat or anything else by Sacha Baron Cohen can imagine my horror at the thought of how close those little kids had come to seeing that which can never be unseen.)

Doesn’t Take Much To Strip Them Of Humanity

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2018

(I am behind a woman in line whose total comes to $37. She painstakingly counts out 37 one-dollar bills. The clerk then follows the same procedure, laboriously counting the bills.)

Customer: *now impatient* “You’d never make it as a stripper!”

To Deal With A**holes, Describe Yours

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2018

(For the past few days, we have gotten an obscene phone caller.)

Me: “[Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *whispering* “Oh, yeah… Oh, baby.”

Me: *confused at first* “Hello?”

Caller: *moan*

Me: “This is a law office, and we do track phone logs.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(Next day:)

Me: “Good afternoon. [Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *moans and whispers*

Me: *sigh* “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, baby, oh…”

Me: “I’m not joking about the call logs, you know. Police will be notified if you do it again.” *hangs up*

(Next day:)

Me: “Good afternoon. [Law Office]—”

Caller: *whispering* “Oh, baby… Oh, yeah…”

Me: “So, let me tell you about this painful zit I have growing near my a**hole!”

(The pervert never called again.)

Derpy With The Herpy

, , , , , | Healthy | August 9, 2018

(I’m visiting a zoology lab that researches amphibians, which is a facility I’ve never been in before. While I’m sitting in an office chatting with a PhD student and waiting for a meeting, I notice a post-it that says “Clinic” and has a phone number.)

Me: “Hey, that’s not the extension for student health.”

PhD Student: “Oh, no, that’s a [City] free clinic. They do STI testing.”

Me: “Uh… Okay.”

PhD Student: “Yeah, it gets more use than you’d think around here.”

(My understanding of what the amphibian lab gets up to slowly starts to dissolve, when the PhD student speaks up again.)

PhD Student: “Yeah… People just Google ‘herpetology’ without knowing what it means, apparently.”

No Wonder Timmy Fell Down The Well So Many Times…

, , , , , | Learning | August 5, 2018

(I am in seventh-grade health class, and we have come to the week we all dread and are fascinated by: sex ed. The teacher is telling us about the changes in our bodies and how boys may sometimes get erections for no reason at all. Then, he says the sentence that I will remember for the rest of my life:)

Teacher: “Guys, if you get an erection while watching Lassie, it does not mean you love dogs.”

(When my son started puberty, I definitely shared this gem with him!)

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