Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 9, 2018

(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)

Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”

Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”

Husband: “But isn’t that part of his dominance? Like these are his tools and he uses them on everyone?”

Me: “Possibly, since he wasn’t serious with his previous girls.”

Husband: “And now?”

Me: “Listen. When you get married, you buy all new butt plugs!”

Oh, Brother!

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2018

(This takes place back in 80s before I am born. My mum is saying goodbye to her boyfriend at an airport. They are passionately kissing, with my mum straddled across his lap; they can barely take their hands off each other and they are being rather public about it. Eventually, they pull themselves apart and she goes to the check-in to get on the plane. In her defence, my mum has always had a wicked sense of humour.)

Air Hostess: *while at boarding gate* “Aw, saying goodbye to a loved one?”

Mum: “Yeah, that was my brother.”

Air Hostess: *literally jumps and stares at my mum in horror*

(Mum says she hopes one day that hostess realised she was joking.)

Another One Goes Down The Tube

, , , , , , | Working | March 8, 2018

(I am pregnant with my first child and trying to train girls to take over my job when I go on maternity leave. I have already hired and fired several girls who just cannot get the hang of answering a phone, being an office manager, and a host of other duties. I have one girl who, after only 30 minutes on the job, says she has a headache and needs to go get aspirin out of her car. I never see her again. The next girl thinks work is the best time to catch up on calling her friends. I fire her before lunch. I FINALLY think I have found an older woman who might work out. She has several problems understanding how to use the computer to order supplies and send messages, but she seems willing to learn. Her first four days go okay… until Friday, which is casual dress in our office; the rest of the week is business dress. She comes in wearing a tube top, a denim mini skirt, and flip-flops.)

Me: “What the hell are you wearing?”

New Hire: “Well, you said it’s casual Friday, so I put the business suit up and came casual!”

Me: “Hon, it’s casual Friday, not bar-hopper Friday!”

(The bosses were not amused, and she was let go that afternoon after some of my customers complained.)

Comes With Extra Playing Positions

, , , , , | Learning | March 7, 2018

I’m teaching a video-making summer camp with seven- to ten-year-olds. On the last day, I decide to bring in board games and things from my house for them to play with, since they have all mostly finished their videos and need to wait for me to edit them.

One of the things I bring is “Truth or Dare” Jenga. I only kind of glance at the box, and tell the kids they don’t need to do the Truth or Dare part, just the Jenga part.

After a few minutes, I see one of the kids kiss a girl’s hand and ask what they’re doing, and they say they’re doing the dares on the Truth or Dare Jenga. I decide to investigate and look more closely at the Jenga pieces. Turns out, they are Truth or Dare Jenga pieces for adults to use in the bedroom. I take them away and give the kids a different game to play after that, but thank goodness I looked!

They Come Out (Choco)Late At Night

, , , , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(An old man walks up to the counter at about midnight with a big bag of chocolate.)

Customer: “Had to get these for the wife.”

Me: “Oh, how sweet of you!”

Customer: “Oh, well, she just craves chocolate every time we have sex. And we just ran out, so she made me come get more!”

Me: “Oh… Uh… Okay.”

(I finish the transaction in silence.)

Me: “Have a good night!”

Customer: “I already did!”

Me: “Clearly.”

Page 5/41First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »