Just Keep It Away From The Bifrost

, , , , , | Romantic | June 9, 2018

(My girlfriend and I have not been intimate yet, but we can get a little frisky over the phone. At one point, I mention the necessity for her to come up with a name for my member.)

Me: “By the way, you should, like, probably think up a name to refer to… him.”

Girlfriend: *laughing* “Thor’s hammer!” *more laughter*

Me: “But his hammer was destroyed! By Hela’s grip nonetheless… his sister! Wow, I never put that together until just now. That’s kind of disturbing.”

Girlfriend: “But it’s an amazing name.”

Me: “You’re right. But are you worthy?”

Girlfriend: *arrogantly* “Well, I was able to lift it, so…”

Me: “Touché.”

Not Going To Toy With Them

, , , | | Right | June 8, 2018

(At roughly ten am, a guest enters the lobby of our hotel with a very large cardboard box in his arms with a smaller box perched on top, and a large-volume duffel bag —  which rattles oddly — over his shoulder. As he arrives, my supervisor is in the staff office just next to the front desk.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you at all?”

Guest: “Yeah, I’d like to check in, if that’s okay.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry, sir, the rooms are just being cleaned at the moment. Check-in is allowed after twelve, to make sure your room is completely clean for you. I can notify the cleaning team that you have already arrived and would like your room prioritised by the cleaning staff so you can go in early, if you’d like?”

Guest: “That’d be great, thanks! Um, is there somewhere I can leave my stuff? It’s quite heavy and we’re actually going out today.”

Me: “Of course, if you’ll pop it down, I’ll come out and collect it while my supervisor takes your details to get your room cleaned. I’ll label your things and bring you out your claim ticket in just a minute! If you could please wait here, I’ll do that for you now.”

Guest: *looking a little pink for some reason* “Okay, thanks!”

(I go tell my supervisor what the guest needs and carry his things into the office. At this point, I’m going to confess that my own bedroom life is extremely “spicy” and, as such, I do enough adult shopping to recognise most of the “discreet” packaging. As soon as I’ve labelled all his things with the corresponding ticket number, I notice something. Both boxes are unopened, from a very popular sex toy website which happens to be my favourite. I know every listing on that site, and I burst into silent hysterics at having wrestled those items into the office, realising why I recognised the rattling in the bag as chains muffled by rope; mine make the same sound. I get it together, smile, and walk back out to hand the guest his ticket.)

Guest: “…so, yeah, it’s just really nice for me and my wife to spend a night out away from the kids once in a while to recharge, you know? Just to relax alone together and get some rest.” *laughs* “Oh, thanks.”

(I hand his ticket over, biting my tongue.)

Supervisor: “That’s wonderful. I hope you have a pleasant day, sir.”

Me: *smirking a little* “Yes, have a great time today, sir.”

Guest: *absent-mindedly drifting away, smiling broadly* “Oh, I definitely will.”

(I hesitated to tell my supervisor that the man and his wife had just checked in with an obscene amount of sex and BDSM toys for luggage, but was horrified to see on the screen that he’d been placed right next to an occupied family room with two adults and two young children. I had no way to move him myself because I wasn’t trained to use the room allocation system. He didn’t complain about being moved to a vacant section of rooms when he came back to collect his items, though. The customer may be always right, but not necessarily about the time and place for certain things.)

Didn’t Read The Terms And Conditions

, , , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2018

(I’m in music class, where we use Macbooks because they run Garageband. I mention to my friend how it’s weird that the icons on the desktop don’t line up and can be placed freely. She says this:)

Friend: “When I was young I said, ‘Wow! How did we get the icons to line up so perfectly?’ My mum told me, ‘Daddy’s very good at lining things u—’”

(She stops and puts her face in her hands as she realises what she was told.)

Me: *laughing*

Friend: *face still in hands* “I’m going to be asking some questions tonight.”

Stuck On The Ex, Among Other Things…

, , , , , | Friendly | June 4, 2018

(As I’m entering the apartment after my shift, my roommate walks towards me, red as a tomato.)

Roommate: “Um, [My Name], could you drive me to the emergency room?”

Me: “Why?”

Roommate: “Something, uh, got stuck…”

Me: “What?”

Roommate: “I was horny and…”

Me: “Please, I don’t need the details. Look, I know you and your girlfriend broke up. I know you’re frustrated, but this is ridiculous. As if keeping me awake at night with your moaning wasn’t bad enough. After you get this problem fixed, stop the pity party.”

(My roommate is not a bad person, but can be such an idiot. Turns out he had one of his girlfriend’s dildos up there. I introduced him to my cousin a month later. She’s pretty good at keeping him from hurting himself.)

He’ll Give You A Computer Virus

, , , | | Right | June 1, 2018

(I am a moderator for a very large anime-based website, centered primarily around forums and the customizable avatars that sit next to user’s forum posts. The site has a PG-13 rating, which among other things means a ban on posting, linking, or requesting sexually explicit content. A user has posted a thread looking for cybersex — sexually explicit online roleplay. I delete the thread and send him a private message.)

Me: “This is a formal warning from [Site] staff. [Site] forbids the posting of sexually explicit material, including cybering. Further warnings may result in your account being banned, possibly permabanned.”

User: “I’ll cyber with you if you lift the warning.”

Me: “This is a formal warning from [Site] staff…”

Page 5/50First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »