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That’ll Teach Her To Knock

, , , , , | Related | August 6, 2021

My sister and I have about an eleven-year age gap between us. I’m twenty-six and newly married and she is fifteen, kind of naive, and living with my parents about four blocks from my husband and me. We have always been very close, and I gave her a key to our home for emergencies or even if she just needs a break from our parents to vent some teenage angst.

One day, she decides to come and chat unannounced and walks through the front door to see my husband and me in, let’s say, an enthusiastically intimate position. She panics and bolts out of the house. She calls me as she’s making her way back to our parents’ house.

Sister: “Oh, my God! I can’t believe you! We both went to the same church! How could you?!”

Me: “What are you talking about? We are married adults; even by church rules, we are in the clear.”

Sister: “It’s two o’clock on a Saturday! Why?!”

Me: “It’s hot outside and it’s fun?”

Sister: “I didn’t need to see that!”

Me: “You walked into my house!”

Sister: “I’m telling Mom.”

I did get a call from our mother later, apologizing for my sister’s behavior and saying she needed to talk to my sister about boundaries and healthy sexual relationships.

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Remaining Cool As A Cucumber

, , | Right | August 2, 2021

I am eighteen, working my first retail job. Two fraternity brothers are buying a cucumber, condoms, and KY-Jelly; the old college “make the clerk blush” game.

Fraternity Bro: “Would you like to be the third in our group?”

Me: *While pointing at the cucumber.* “Looks like you two already have your third.”

I’m the last of five kids who all worked at a bar and they were always telling me stories on how to handle people.

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He Partook WAY Too Much

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2021

I am working in the “suits and men’s accessories” department. On an initially unremarkable Monday morning, I am approached at around 11:00 am by a man who smells strongly of alcohol and is looking for pyjama pants.

Customer: “I’m on vacation here from Nevada. Do you know the area?”

Me: “I’m pretty familiar. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “Know where I can score some weed?”

I freeze, partly because I’m still in Customer Service mode and legitimately don’t know, and partly because the question is so unexpected.

Customer: *Laughs* “I guess you don’t indulge? That’s okay.”

He then sweeps me up into a hug and, caught off guard, I stay frozen until he lets me go. Laughing, he walks off. I mention it to my manager, jokingly self-reporting myself for letting a customer leave with an unanswered question, and then get back to my regular duties.

About twenty minutes later, the young lady working in the next department over comes to me in a panic and asks for my help.

Coworker: “There’s a naked guy in my fitting room hallway. He tried to hug me.”

Me: *With a sinking feeling* “Was he about this tall, southern accent?”

Sure enough, it is the same guy. I tell her to call security and head over to see what I can accomplish. He’s standing there with a pile of clothes in his hands (and nowhere else) and he smiles when he sees me.

Customer: “Hey, I’d like to buy these. Can you ring me up?”

I take his shoulder and guide him to a fitting booth:

Me: “I’ll be happy to, just as soon as you’re dressed.”

I closed the door in his face and exited to find my coworker, who informed me that security was busy with a shoplifter and couldn’t be bothered with our situation. My department was empty, so I lingered a few minutes to make sure this ended well, only for the hugger to exit the dressing room and make a beeline for the exit between our departments. We just let him go; there was a pile of clothes in the booth he’d used, but we couldn’t be sure if it was all of what he’d had or not. We never found out if he was related to the other shoplifting situation or if he was a bizarre coincidence.

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That’s It. You’ve Peaked.

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: InTheLoudHouse | July 29, 2021

I’m a woman in my twenties working behind the bar. I’m ringing in an order on the register when a man in his forties approaches.

Man: “Hey.”

I look up at him.

Man: “I’m picturing you naked right now.”

Me: “Oh? Are you impressed by my massive horse c**k?”

I have never seen a grown man rethink his existence so quickly. His friends laughed, many a swordfight joke was made, and I (hypothetically) won them all.

Nothing so satisfying will happen to me at work ever again. Where do we go from here?

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Som-nude-ulism

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: teenage_turntbag | July 20, 2021

I work the night audit shift as well as housekeeping at our hotel. This particular day starts like any other; I get my cleaning cart out and I’m in the middle of scanning my chart, looking to see which linen sizes I need.

Out of the corner of my eye, someone walks past me down to the dead-end of the hall. I usually greet the guests, but he is already well past me. I peek down the hall, wondering which room he’s even going to, and I have to do a double-take. This man is butt-a** naked.

He must’ve done a double-take, too, because when I look back, he is ducking behind the wall.

Guest: “I’m sorry! Can you help me? I don’t know which room I’m in.”

I’m kind of stunned. I’ve only worked here for a few months.

Me: “How do you not know where your room is?”

Guest: “I don’t know! I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t know my room.”

He keeps repeating that like he’s going to cry, so now I’m feeling really bad. I use my walkie to ask the front desk if anyone with his name is on a reservation, and of course, it isn’t. Now I’m wondering if this man is homeless and trying to get in a room or if he has a mental problem or something.

Me: “Just sit tight for a minute.”

I hurried down to the front desk. I told them the situation, and they hurried up there. This guy was already gone, running through the hotel. He found another housekeeper, and she did the smart thing, gave him a towel, and walkied us. He went with the front desk workers to figure out where the h*** his room was.

Apparently, this guy was sleepwalking and had just woken up when I saw him! I know I had a panic, but I can only imagine his. Hopefully, he learned not to sleep naked in a hotel with sleepwalking tendencies!

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