Beats Hard But Can’t Stick The Landing

, , , , , , , | Working | December 29, 2017

(I am giving a dateless young coworker tips on attracting women. We’re both men.)

Me: “Do all that, and you’ll have the beat them off with a stick!”

Young Coworker: *annoyed* “I’ll beat you off with a stick!”

Me: “Your hand will be fine.”

Talking Out Of Their Perineum

, , , , | Working | December 27, 2017

(We have a productivity seminar at work. We are being taken through some breathing exercises to relieve stress.)

Trainer: “Okay, and while focusing on your breaths, I want you to release your guiche.”

(We all look around confused, and ask if she has the right term. She says she is correct, and urges us to RELEASE THE GUICHE, with gusto.)

Colleague: “Umm, I had my guiche pierced last week, so I don’t think I can just yet.”

(The trainer blushed and we broke for lunch shortly after. The trainer never came back and all other seminars were cancelled. We all learned a little too much from [Colleague] that day.)

The Odyssey Has Wooden Characters

, , , , , | Learning | December 27, 2017

(This story begins in my English class when we are reading the Odyssey. We are at the part when they are getting ready to stab the cyclops, and run a staff over a fire to harden it.)

Teacher: “So, Odysseus will do what he has to do, to harden his wood.”

(Class bursts out laughing.)

Teacher: “Oh, my god, I just realized what I said.”

(Calls another teacher to tell what she just said, then laughs hysterically.)

Teacher: “He said that you need wood to be hard before you poke someone in the eye.”

Classmate: “You should never poke anyone with hard wood.”

Santa Has Needs That Mrs. Claus Can’t Provide

, , , , | Working | December 26, 2017

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group. [Coworker] unwraps gift to reveal a garment box.)

Coworker: “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S&M!”

(Everybody stares at manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S&M isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Oooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S&M.”

When “Daddy” Comes Back From War

, , , , | Learning | December 26, 2017

(In GCSE English language, you have to learn about 15 different poems. One of these is called “Kamikaze” and it’s about a father who doesn’t complete a mission in World War II and returns home. Whilst we’re learning about it, this happens.)

Teacher: “Well, the first thing I would do if my dad returned from the war is ask to touch his sword. Oh, God, that doesn’t sound right.”

(Everyone laughs.)

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