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The One Time A “Junk Pic” Had A Good Outcome

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 26, 2021

My girlfriend is asexual and open about it at work. One day, I’m cleaning up stuff at my place and come across several things I no longer need, so I offer them to her if she wants them. She asks if her coworkers can take some of it and I agree. However, I’m so used to interacting with her, I don’t consider how others view it.

I text her a picture of everything with a message.

Me: “Here’s a pic of my junk. If they want anything let me know and they can have it for free or real cheap, depending on what it is.”

I think nothing of this until it’s nearly dinner time and I hadn’t heard from her again. This isn’t unusual, but she normally lets me know that she’s headed over since we don’t live together, and she is coming over for dinner. I text her a couple of times while making dinner and get no response. I’m considering calling her office when I get a knock on the door.

Girlfriend: *Between fits of laughter* “Oh, my God! You made my day with that picture!”

Me: “What? How? And why didn’t you answer your texts?”

Girlfriend: *Still laughing* “Oh, every time I opened your texts, I got a fit of giggles and couldn’t respond. You remember [Annoying Coworker]?”

Me: “The one who keeps insinuating that you and your coworkers are less of a woman because you won’t have kids?”

This has been reported multiple times, but it’s always determined that it “can’t be determined if it’s directed at you” as several women there have decided not to have children.

Girlfriend: “Yeah, her! Anyway, she reported me to human resources for ‘showing a picture of my boyfriend’s junk’ to everyone. I ended up having to go to HR to explain it.”

Me: *Light bulb going off* “Oh, no… Oh, s***, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”

Girlfriend: “I’m not! HR agreed that what we were doing was within reason, if a little risky of being misunderstood, but that what [Annoying Coworker] did could be considered sexual harassment! With all the other reports against her, we can finally show she’s picking on me! Your junk made my day!”

Me: “I never thought I’d hear you say those words.”

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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That Sounds Plain Uncomfortable

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 19, 2021

Some fourteen years ago I was on a business trip in Germany. The hotel I was in had a wellness area with a sauna and a little gym just beside it. As those two rooms were beside each other with identical doors — the only difference was the names “Gym” and “Sauna” on the doors — they would get people in their bathrobes and clutching towels opening the gym door, turning on their heels, and leaving for the right room. In Germany, you are usually expected to be naked in the sauna.

I had a long day ahead, so I was running on the treadmill at about 6:30 am, enjoying the quiet and clean air. Suddenly, the door opened and in came a guy with a towel wrapped around his waist. I thought I’d get the usual reaction: “Oops, sorry, wrong room.”

No. This guy just dropped the towel and, naked as a baby, hopped on the treadmill, selected a programme, and started running.

I remember being very confused. Was he some kind of a perv? Or just used to being naked so he didn’t care? 

Nevertheless, I didn’t last long because, in all honesty, the sight of a man running while his ding-dong moves like a metronome can be pretty funny, but not so much that I would like to watch it in the mirror for a long time. I moved to a stationary bike and then left soon afterward while the man was still running.

It was an incredible experience and one I am happy to share but don’t need to experience again.

When You’re Exposed To All The Weird Customers

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2021

I am a store manager of a well-known fast food place. We are short-staffed so I’m running the drive-thru and I only have one other employee with me at the front area. He is doing all the walk-in orders.

It is before lunchtime so it’s not too busy. As I’m handing out an order to a car, the passenger in the car starts screaming and pointing. The driver turns to her, confused.

Driver: “What on earth is wrong?”

Passenger: “Tha… that man has no clothes on!”

I turn to where she is pointing and, sure enough, there is a man exiting my store completely naked. I’m more surprised I wasn’t alerted to it sooner, and I turn to my employee who looks to be in shock.

Me: “[Coworker #1], what just happened? Did you just serve a man without clothes on?”

Coworker #2: “I didn’t realise… I turned around and a man was at the counter. I just thought he had no shirt on. He asked if we had a free burger. I told him, ‘No, mate,’ and he just walked out; only then did I realise he was completely naked!”

We both are just so confused about what just happened and we laugh. I call the non-emergency line to the police to let them know there’s a naked man on the loose. Apparently, I’m the fifth person that has called as, apparently, he also entered the shopping centre close by, and they are already on the way.

About twenty minutes later, we see him running out the front with two policemen chasing him on foot. We have another employee start within this time and she points it out:

Coworker #2: “Look, a naked man!” *Laughs*

They caught him five minutes later, and we saw them walking back with him in cuffs. We later learned he was on a ridiculous amount of drugs and didn’t even know he had no clothes on.

Well, You Have Our Attention

, , , , , | Learning | August 8, 2021

It’s my freshman year of high school, and my biology class is just finishing up our nervous system unit with a test. The class is deathly quiet when, suddenly, this woman from the front office pops into our room, yells, “PENIS!” and darts right back out and down the hall. Our teacher almost immediately starts choking on her spit trying not to laugh out loud as she briefly goes into the hall to calm down, leaving all of us completely baffled as to what the h*** just happened.

It turns out that our next unit is on the reproductive system, and our teacher asked the woman — a good friend of hers — to come to all of her classes to yell that as part of our teacher’s tactic to get our immature amusement of the topic out of our systems in the first lesson. Unfortunately for her, our teacher forgot to mention that our specific class period was running a class behind her other periods, so all she really did was scare and confuse the crap out of us during a test!

Lonely, He’s Mister Lonely

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Mike_OxonFaier | August 7, 2021

Back in 1999, I worked for a British phone company in the billing department. One day, I got a call from a customer wanting to discuss some phone numbers that had appeared on his bill. I went through security questions and then looked at his bill. I was shocked by what I saw. His monthly phone bill was just over £1,500.00 which, given that my rent for a two-bedroom flat at the time was £450.00, was an astonishing amount. I looked more carefully and found hundreds or perhaps thousands of calls to premium-rate sex lines.

I asked the customer where he wanted me to start, and he only wanted to identify a couple of local rate calls. I found the information he wanted, and he said thank you and hung up.

A colleague saw me with my mouth still agape.

Colleague: “Was that [Customer]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Colleague: “That guy calls every month with the same sort of question, and his bill is always around £1,500.00. All sex lines. It’s amazing. I mean, he could hire a prostitute every day and spend less.”

I never had a customer like that again.