Not What They Mean By Getting Plenty Of Bed Rest

, , , , | Healthy | October 19, 2019

(A group of residents with varying stages of dementia is sitting around a table having coffee near my desk in the front lobby. One of them asks a question of the others…)

Resident #1: “What happened to my hand?” 

(She has a bruise over her wrist and the back of her hand.)

Resident #2: “You fell out of your bed, remember? You landed on it.”

Resident #1: “Oh! I must have been having a good time in bed!”

(Both women cracked up laughing while the two men with them looked shocked. I managed to hold it together so they didn’t know I was listening in.)

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Children Of The Damned

, , , , | Related | October 17, 2019

(I grew up obsessed with vampires from a very young age because of the movie “Queen of the Damned” — my favorite character being the beautiful and alluring Queen Akasha. As a result, my mom had offered to make me — and later, my best friend — costumes based off the character’s two iconic outfits, complete with blood and various bite wounds for Halloween. Mind you, my friend and I were at the tender young age of six or seven, and while my mom in all her visually-impaired, duct-tape-and-cardboard glory made the costumes a little more modest than the original outfits, the costumes still showed off enough skin to be deemed “sexy.” When my friend and I won a huge costume contest, apparently, the other parents had an issue with this. Years later, I find pictures of the costume contest with my friend and me holding up our buckets of candy prizes.)

Mom: “Yeah… the other parents didn’t like me because, apparently, I just let you dress like a slut all the time. One mom even tried to get you disqualified, which didn’t work since the judges were actually teenagers and they loved it!”

Me: “Seriously? Did they not see that I even took the costume off to skate and that I was wearing jeans underneath? Did they not know that little girls have belly buttons or…?”

Mom: “Oh, no. I let you express yourself a lot growing up and God forbid I let you believe that you were beautiful and have confidence. I even laughed in the face of a parent who told me you were going to be a teen mom. It’s a good thing I’m blind. Ignoring the angry looks I apparently got made them even angrier.” *wistfully* “I’m such a bad mommy.”

(My asexual self, thinking back to my cringy cosplay days in high school and how I never cared to even date until I was 21, “Oh, if only they could see me now…”)

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Making Your Response Explicitly Clear

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(I am out to my lunch with my brother, his boyfriend, and my boyfriend. All three men are 5’7” or taller and they all work out. I order a bunch of French fries for myself. The waiter brings them over and gives them all to my brother.)

Brother: “Here, [My Nickname].”

(As I’m reaching for the French fries, assuming it was a mix-up and the waiter will understand, he cuts me off and tries to hand me my brother’s burger.)

Waiter: “No! Sorry, but this is yours!”

(He pressures me into taking it, so I do, planning on switching them back. Then, I look down at the tray. On a napkin is written, “You’re hot enough to bang all night long, babe. ;)” along with a phone number.)

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

(I show him, and then my brother and his boyfriend. My brother takes the tray, giving me the fries.)

Me: “What are you planning?”

Brother: “Shhh!” *waiter arrives* “Hey, man.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir?”

Brother: “About this note…” *lifts it up*

Waiter: “Oh, s***. I’m so sorry, I meant it for her!”

Brother: “Oh, d***. I was hoping it was for me.”

Waiter: “Excuse me?”

Brother’s Boyfriend: *leans over brother’s shoulder, smirking* “Yeah, been a while since we had a threesome.”

Brother: “And you never let me suck your d**k! Maybe this guy will, since you’re so particular.”

Waiter: *pales and flees* 

(We all burst out laughing. The waiter comes back with a manager.)

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, sirs. I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

Us: “Huh?”

Manager: “According to [Waiter] you were verbally harassing him, saying sexually explicit things, and being nosy.”

Me: “No, no! He gave me this note, and my brother was messing with him to try to teach him not to do this stuff.” *gives the note to him*

Manager: *pause* “I’m going to look into this. If you all are lying, I’ll have to ban you from all locations. And if you–” *turns to the waiter* “–are lying, there will be repercussions.”

(He leaves and we all go back to eating, kind of worried about the waiter situation. Eventually, the manager comes back, seething.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry. We have cameras, there, there, and there–” *pointing at nearby cameras* “–and they were able to show that [Waiter] did give you the note. Plus, we checked his handwriting, and it’s the same. I’m so sorry you were uncomfortable, and while I must say that I don’t condone your response, it was warranted. Would you like your meal for free?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t get away with it.”

Manager: “He won’t.”

(We still wound up getting free dessert, somehow, but I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s facial expression when my brother started talking about sucking d**k.)

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TMI: The Older Generation

, , , | Right | October 14, 2019

(I am working at the customer service desk at a grocery store when an older lady between 55 and 65 years old comes up to do a return.)

Lady: “I’d like to return these.” *plops down one open box and five unopened boxes of generic personal lubricant* “They didn’t satisfy my needs.”

Me: *needs brain bleach*

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As Thick As A Block

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2019

(I am in the computer lab at the help desk when a patron walks up from a computer to ask a question. This is edited for brevity; it actually took a few minutes to get this point across.)

Patron: “I have a question for you! Is there a password I can use to get around blocked sites?”

Me: “No. Only my boss and I can unblock sites. If the website block is a genuine false positive I can unblock it for you. Just let me know and I will check it.”

Patron: “Okay.” *wanders back to PC*

(Five minutes pass:)

Person: “Can you come and unblock this?”

Me: *saunters over and looks down at screen* “No. No, sir. I’m afraid I cannot unblock that.”

(The URL contained “XXX Dating.”)

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