Extra-Blu Ray

, , | Right | March 14, 2018

(An older gentleman has brought back his Blu-Ray player.)

Elderly Customer: “I can’t get this to work. The red light comes on, but the remote isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just check it out.”  

(I connect it to a handy television, and sure enough, the set-up menu comes up, but the remote won’t work.)

Elderly Customer: “I brought a disc to test it.”

(I take the recent release, an Oscar-winning disc, but check the remote first and find one battery is put in backwards.)

Me: “There’s your problem, sir. The battery was in the wrong way; it should be fine now.”

Elderly Customer: “Could you check that it works, please?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I hit eject, and out popped the tray with a “Combat Zone XXX” porn DVD in it.)

Tied To That Answer

, , , , , | Romantic | March 14, 2018

(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

Making A Different Kind Of Music

, , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(One of my coworkers is extremely friendly and makes conversation with all the customers. This particular customer is a regular, so my coworker knows a bit about her. This happens as I am running the cash register.)

Coworker: “So, how’s the daughter?”

Guest: “She’s doing well, playing the clarinet.”

Coworker: “Did you play in high school?”

Guest: “Oh, no. I was blowing something else in high school… the old skin flute, so to speak.”

(I was completely speechless and was trying so hard not to laugh I had to walk away!)

Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 13, 2018

(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)

Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”

Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*

Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”

Me: “…”

Husband: *smiles*

Well, They Have To Teach It Somewhere

, , , , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(I’m driving down to Tennessee to view the 2017 solar eclipse, and I’ve stopped at a hotel in Louisville for the night. When I go to check out, the computer is taking a while to print my receipt, so the clerk is chatting with me while we wait.)

Clerk: “So, where are you from?”

Me: “Lancaster, Pennsylvania.”

Clerk: “Oh, okay. Isn’t there a college there?”

Me: “Yes. F and M.”

Clerk: “S and M?”

Me: *internally giggling* F and M. Franklin and Marshall.”

Clerk: “Oh, yeah. That’s it!”

(I don’t know if he even realized what he had said, but I certainly did!)

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