Surely Those Kinds Of Sports Are More Downstairs?

, , , , | Healthy | June 20, 2018

(A few months ago I had a stupid sport accident resulting in a hurt knee. To fight this, I wear a knee support. It’s a brand professional athletes use; it’s bright blue and covers my leg from mid-calf to mid-thigh. A regular about the same age as my grandfather comes into the café where I work and sees my leg.)

Regular: “What happened to you?”

Me: “Sport trauma.” *it’s the fastest and least descriptive way to say it*

Regular: “Oh, too much upstairs sports, is that right?”

Please Don’t Offer Any Oral Exams

, , , , | Learning | June 20, 2018

(I’m around 13 years old and taking a politics class in school. We read a text about Bill Clinton’s impeachment and discuss it afterwards. The text, of course, mentions Monica Lewinsky.)

Teacher: “Well, that just goes to show that the Americans are a little prudish, doesn’t it? I mean, they just kissed!” *confused looks from the class* “It says in the text, they had oral sex, so they just kissed!”

(To this day, I’m not sure whether she said that because she thought we were too young to hear about oral sex, or whether she actually thought that oral sex means kissing; she did tend to be a little naive at times.)

Hopefully That’s The Exception And Not The Rule

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 18, 2018

(I work the night shift in an ER as a doctor.)

Me: “You say you have something stuck up your rectum?”

Patient: “Yep. It’s a flexible rubber ruler.”

Me: “How did it get there?”

Patient: “I intentionally put it there.”

(I’m little surprised, because usually in cases like this they try to make it seem like it happened by accident when it very obviously didn’t.)

Me: “Why did you put it there?”

Patient: “I wanted to see how far it goes. Apparently, it’s deeper than a foot.”

Me: “Okay… Well, we’ll see about having that removed.”

Patient: “Can I have it back when it’s out? My son needs it for school.”

(I feel really bad for that guy’s son.)

They Need Adult Help

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

(I work in a bank call centre, where customers call in to report unrecognised transactions on their accounts. This customer has a joint account with her husband.)

Customer: “There are all these payments that made no sense to me.”

Me: “Ah, yes, I can see. These are all on your husband’s card, and the company they’re going to processes payments for adult entertainment. Does your husband ever use this?”

(You can imagine how common this is.)

Customer: “What’s that, dear? Adult…”

Me: “Adult entertainment.”

Customer: *to husband in background* “Do you use adult… something?”

(She genuinely seems to not know what it means.)

Husband: “No, I’ve actually never used that card for anything since I got it.”

(I proceed to file a claim against the payments.)

Me: “And would you like us to keep you updated on this via text message?”

Customer: “Ooh, yes, that would be great!”

Me: “Great, can I take a mobile number?”

Customer: “Oh, no, dear, we’ve just got the landline.”

Me: “You don’t have a mobile?”

Customer: “No, dear.”

Me: “Okay, so, we wouldn’t be able to send a text.”

Customer: *again sounding genuinely surprised* “Oh! Okay.”

Ooh, La La!

, , , , | Learning | June 13, 2018

(We are in a French lesson, discussing language to use when asking for a hotel room.)

Teacher: “Remember to say, ‘soirs,’ when you’re asking for the number of nights. All right, then, [Student], could you please stand up?”

([Student] stands up.)

Teacher: “And could you please say in French, ‘I would like a hotel room for two nights.'”

Student: “Je voudrais… un chambre… avec deux soeurs?”

(This actually means, ‘I would like a hotel room with two sisters’.)

Teacher: “Well, that would be a very good night indeed!”

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