They Mostly Come Out On Sundays… Mostly

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2019

(I am about fifteen minutes into my shift when I notice a woman approaching a nearby display with a noticeably large blue bag. She appears to be looking for something specific, so I approach her to offer assistance.)

Me: “Hello! What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, hi, you can leave me the h*** alone. That would be a lot of help.”

(I can’t see her face as she speaks, so I think maybe I have misheard her. When it finally clicks, I stand in place for a few seconds, in shock, because I have never been treated in such a way by a customer, and her attitude is entirely unprovoked. I conclude that she may be a shoplifter, because I can’t think of any other reason for her rudeness and clear desire to be left alone. Before I can say anything else, she gets right in my face.)

Customer: “What? Is there something wrong why you need to keep watching me?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I was just trying to offer you some assista—”

(Before I am able to finish my explanation, she is already walking away from me toward the tool department and flashing her rear end at me. After standing there for a few more seconds trying to process what just occurred, I go to my manager and briefly explain what just happened and that I suspect she may steal something. He follows her around the store and keeps an eye on her until she leaves, and then returns to me.)

Manager: “Well, she didn’t take anything, from what I was able to see… Maybe she was just crazy?”

Me: “Sundays… That is when they come out…”

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At Least She Won’t Be Getting THAT Special Gift For Christmas

, , , , , , | Related | December 28, 2019

(I’m at the checkout of a bookstore. A teenage girl and her mum are buying some Christmas presents when a security alarm attached to the register goes off.)

Staff: “All good — I know you’ve paid for everything. Let’s just check the security tags on the items you’ve bought.”

(The staff rechecks all items, and all are fine, but the alarm goes off again.)

Staff: *still being super nice* “I can also fix the security tag on the other items, so this doesn’t happen all day.”

Mum: “Thanks, that would be great.”

(The mum and daughter go through their shopping, and it’s all looking good. I then notice the daughter starting to look uncomfortable.)

Staff: *quietly* “Did you buy something at the chemist?”

(The daughter opens her handbag and slowly places a large box of condoms on the counter. The staff member deactivates the security tag. The mum gives the daughter a stern look worthy of legend and they both leave the store slowly and quietly.)

Staff: *loudly* “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

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They’ve Expanded Their Range For The Holidays

, , , , , | Working | December 23, 2019

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing a Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group.)

Coworker: *unwraps a gift to reveal a garment box* “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S & M!”

(Everybody stares at the manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S & M, isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Ooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S & M.”


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Mom Is Going To Explode Before Neo-Tokyo

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 22, 2019

(As a fifteen-year-old, I love anime and frequently watch it with friends. This being the nineties, that means videotapes, usually from a mail-order or That One Weird Video Store. One night, when it is my turn to host, my family is watching a game on the main TV, so I snag the VCR and connect it to the TV in my room. Instead of three or four friends, only one — male — friend arrives. Fifteen minutes into the movie, my mom pops in:)

Mom: “Hey, kids, do you want some soda?”

Me: “No, thanks, we got some already.”

(Ten minutes later, she’s back:)

Mom: “We opened another bag of chips; do you want some?”

Friend: “Sure, thanks.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Mom: “We’re getting pizzas. Do you or [Friend] want anything in particular?”

Me: “Not if you’re getting the usual order.”

(Twenty minutes:)

Mom: “Here’s your pizza.”

Me: “We could have come down and gotten it ourselves, but thanks.”

(Once she’d left the last time, my friend burst out laughing so hard he was crying. I had no idea why my mom was being so solicitous until he explained that she thought we were, ahem, “watching anime,” wink-wink. The thought of taking advantage of my family’s distraction had never once crossed my mind — I mean, it was Akira. To this day, I’m not sure if Mom was hoping to catch us doing something or not. As evidenced by the above, I was a romantically oblivious teenager.)

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Welcome To The Stage, Ma’am-O-Gram!

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 20, 2019

During my regular mammogram, the doctor saw a lump that they wanted better images of, so I went to the clinic for the diagnostic mammogram follow-up. In my mid-forties now, I used to be an exotic dancer years ago, and I’m not exactly shy.

The nurse was getting me prepped for the diagnostic mammogram. This involved a couple of magic marker lines for orientation. She also applied some kind of metal sticker to point to the area of interest.

She turned to put a note in the file and told me, “Give me two shakes and we’ll get this done and over with.”

Odd directions… but I gave her my best shimmy, making sure that the sticker stayed attached to my swinging breasts.

She laughed so hard that she dropped her pen and needed a minute to recollect her professional cool.

Apparently, she meant the phrase “in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” meaning, “in a short time.” She wasn’t expecting a show!

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