Some People Get A Second Coming

, , , , , | Working | July 6, 2018

(There is church up the street from us. I see their sign, and can’t stop laughing.)

Sign: “Easter comes once a year; do you?”

Learning Sub-traction

, , , , , | Learning | July 3, 2018

(I am teaching summer school for students who failed Algebra 1. [Student] is a freshman girl with freckles and braces.)

Student: “I’m not going to need this. Why do I have to learn it?”

Me: “Well, if you go to college—”

Student: “I don’t need college for the job I want, so I shouldn’t have to be here.”

Me: “What job do you want?” *thinking I’ll come up with some use for algebra that at least vaguely relates to that job*

Student: “Well, it’s kind of exotic…”

Me: “Um… Maybe you shouldn’t tell me.”

Student: “Oh, no, it’s not like a stripper or anything.”

Me: “Uh… Okay.”

Student: “I’m going to be a dominatrix. I already have the outfit!”

From No Breathing To Heavy Breathing

, , , , , | Healthy | June 23, 2018

(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

Your Beaver Sets The Room On Fire

, , , , , , , | Working | June 21, 2018

I used to work in a very international office. There were two classes of workers: analysts — mostly Canadian-raised — and phone researchers — mostly international. For whatever reason, the analysts almost all bought their lunches. I was the only analyst who consistently brought lunches from home, and I ate them with the researchers in their lunch room. I was the only native English speaker who ate there.

One of the researchers was from France. He was friends with a neighbour of his, a fellow who was into hunting. One day, my French colleague came in very excited. His neighbour, the hunter, had gone on a hunting trip and had brought him some cooked moose meat and beaver meat, figuring that he’d never had them before. My French colleague brought the meat to work to share with the rest of us.

I found out about this as I was on my way to the lunch room when my French colleague yelled down the hall, “Who wants to eat beaver with me?”

I had to explain to everybody in the room why that was both completely inappropriate and hilarious.

He was so flustered after that that he put the beaver meat into the microwave still in the tin foil, which caused sparks and made the meat explode all over the inside of the microwave — so none of us actually got to taste the beaver meat. We did all share the moose meat, though, and it was fine.

Raw And Exposed Data

, , , , , | Right | June 20, 2018

(I work at a big box electronic retailer in their IT division. I’m helping a 16-year-old girl and her father. They are here to pick up the girl’s computer after a repair that did not require a data backup.)

Me: “Okay, your computer is fixed.” *shows that damage has been repaired*

Girl: “What about my pictures? Are my pictures there?!”

Me: “Yes, this was a damaged keyboard; it didn’t affect your data in any way.”

Girl: *in the most dramatic, panicked, voice you can imagine* “I don’t believe you! Where are my pictures?! Why aren’t you showing me my pictures?!”

Me: “Okay, calm down.”

(I turn the laptop on, click on the pictures directory, and click on a random picture to bring it up. The randomly-chosen picture happens to be of a young, muscular man, fully nude, holding an enlarged portion of his anatomy that is larger than what is considered average.)

Me: “Woah!”

(I turn the laptop around to face my side of the counter as not to expose other customers. One of my coworkers turns and notices the image I have just turned in his direction.)

Coworker: “WHOA!”

(I alt-F4 faster than I have ever alt-F4ed in my life.)

Father: “Was that…?”

Girl: *stunned silence*

Me: “I don’t know; I didn’t see anything”

Father: “Thank you.”

(He put $100 on the counter for a $30 repair, closed the laptop lid, and walked away with his mortified daughter in tow. We bought chicken wings for the whole team. We still talk about it to this day.)

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