We’re Not Toying Around With You Here

, , , | Right | November 1, 2019

(I am working at the customer service desk with another associate when a woman comes up with a black plastic bag, tied shut.)

Me: “Hi there. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to do a return.”

Me: “Sure. Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s in the bag. It just doesn’t fit right. Can I trade?”

Me: “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

(She pushes the bag toward me and takes a phone call. Since there is no one waiting, I continue to process her return. I open the bag only to see an adult toy, cushioned by lacy lingerie. I wave for my coworker to come over. She looks in the bag and covers her mouth before walking away.)

Coworker: “Nope. That’s all you!”

Me: “Uh… ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m on the phone.”

Me: “I think there’s been a mistake.”

Customer: “You said I could exchange it. What’s the problem?”

Coworker: “Well, for starters, we don’t sell these…”

Customer: “Yes, you do!” *to the phone call* “I’ll have to call you back.”

(The woman puts her phone down and comes over. She dumps the bag on the counter, and her “return” rolls out and lays between us. I try to look anywhere but at the counter or the woman.)

Customer: “I’m sorry! I just left [adult toy party]! Oh, my God, I can’t believe I did that. I thought I grabbed the other bag. Oh, my God.”

(She stuffs her belongings back in the bag and practically runs from the store. When she is out of sight, my coworker and I start laughing.)

Coworker: “Didn’t she start by saying it didn’t fit?!”

Me: “That is more than I ever need to know about a person!”

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Bounces Off Of Her Like Rubber(s)

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2019

(I have just served an old lady who is now bagging her items. A teenager — about 16 to 19 years old — is next. The teenager is just buying a package of condoms. I scan them and put them beside the belt, far from the old lady’s groceries. The teenager is paying with his card and is about to finish the transaction. The old lady sees the lone packages of condoms beside the belt.)

Old Lady: “Are those mine?!”

(She grabs them.)

Old Lady: *shouting* “Did I pay for these? What is it?”

(She’s holding them high to get better light, in full view of everyone around.)

Old Lady: *loudly* “I can’t see. Can you tell me what this is?”

Me: “No. No, that item is not yours. It belongs to…” *looks at the distressed teenager* “…it belongs to someone else.”

Old Lady: “Oh, very well…”

(She put them down by the belt again. The teenager took them and left quickly. I still believe that the old lady did this on purpose.)

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, , , , , , , , | Working | October 29, 2019

My partner works in IT. Sometimes, he will have to reset passwords for internal systems. The formula for this is typically: Adjective – Noun – Number. These are one-use passwords that are automatically generated.

One day, my partner gets called into the office by the office manager. The man has a very grave expression on his face. Next to him is a middle-aged woman.

They sit my partner down and explain that he needs to be more sensitive and that they are sending him to sexual harassment training, giving him a warning, and if it happens again he will lose his job.

My partner is very confused, mainly because he has been in a committed relationship for ten years, and whilst not married, they have three kids together. He explains that he has no idea what’s going on, and he has never harassed someone intentionally.

Suddenly, the woman that my partner has never seen before pipes up and shouts, “It’s the d*** passwords. He’s sexually harassing me with his suggestive passwords!”

My partner looks even more confused and asks the office manager to explain. The woman is an internal client who locked herself out of the system. A randomly-generated password was sent out automatically from whoever was on out-of-hours call. It just happened to be my partner. He has never spoken to this woman in his life.

“What password?” my partner asks. “They’re randomly generated; you know that, right?”

The office manager gets extremely embarrassed, as he didn’t know that. He then asks the woman to write down the password so he can get the two words removed from the database, to make sure that the system does not generate any more offensive passwords.

The password that was generated? SadClown12

My partner and the office manager both get even more confused, and the manager asks the woman to explain how that could be offensive.

The woman then goes on to explain that it is an obscure sex act and she shouldn’t be harassed at work by such horrible language.

Makes you wonder how she knew about the sex act in the first place, if it was so offensive…

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Calendar (Red) Alert!

, , , , , , | Working | October 23, 2019

(I am eight weeks pregnant when I get very sick as a result of my pregnancy. I have to spend a week in hospital. By UK law, women are protected against discrimination if they have to have time off for anything relating to their pregnancy. Because of this, I have to tell my bosses REALLY early about the pregnancy to ensure I am covered legally as my boss is a bit weird. We have a back-to-work meeting, and everyone else congratulates me on my pregnancy.)

Me: “Thanks, guys!”

Boss: “[My Name]! I just worked it out. You got pregnant eight weeks ago, right? Wasn’t that your boyfriend’s birthday? We all know what gift he got!” *nudge nudge wink wink*

(Everyone just sat in silence awkwardly until we moved on with the meeting.)

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Should Nut Have Said It That Way

, , , , , , , | Working | October 23, 2019

(I work in the kitchen of a high-end hotel. We give out “welcome packages” to VIPs, usually consisting of a small plate of food of some kind. Today, we had two people from a large company receiving welcome packages, each including a package of mixed nuts. One of the packages of mixed nuts was a bit larger than the other.)

Me: “Who gets which package, since they’re a little different in size?”

Manager: “I’m not sure! Let me call someone and find out who has seniority!” *on phone* “Hi. I was wondering who has bigger nuts in [Company]?”

Me: *stifles laughter*

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