Fragile Masculinity On Speakerphone

, , , , | Working | September 17, 2018

(A coworker and I are checking inventory in the aisles. A few other coworkers are working in the stockroom.)

Coworker: *in stockroom, over headset* “Which one of you guys has a small one?”

(There is stunned silence, while a coworker near me and I look at each other funny.)

Coworker: *near me* “[Stockroom Coworker], I don’t think anyone is going to answer that.”

(Apparently, she wanted to ask who was using one of our small pallet jacks.)

Not-So-Family-Friendly Magic

, , , , , | Working | September 13, 2018

(I work as an outside salesperson for a HVAC company. Before, however, I was a professional magician, and I often still carry some magic tricks on me. Whenever we get new coworkers, I often show off and pull brightly colored sponge balls out of people’s hair and make them multiply and vanish. One day, I walk into the dispatch area of the office that is packed with multiple dispatchers and a couple of managers talking. One of our newer dispatchers sees me and gets really excited when I walk in.)

Coworker: “[My Name]! Do you have your balls on you?!”

(Everyone bursts out laughing, and we have to put a couple of people on hold due to the volume of the laughter. My coworker realizes what she said and tries to backtrack.)

Coworker: “No, wait. I mean your magic balls!”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: *almost in tears* “Yes, I do! But thank you for making my day!”

Manager: “I need to go warn the new HR manager to be wary of any complaints about your magic balls!”

That Happens A Lot In University, Too

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(I work as a tour guide at my university. Usually the tours run smoothly, as we are all trained to answer the ordinary questions about class sizes and sports teams. Every once in a while, however, the tours can go a bit off-script.)

Me: “And this is the pool area. We hold swimming hours for students, posted here on the door.”

Customer: *motions toward his newborn baby, then to the pool* “Golly, this looks like a great place to learn how to doggy-style!”

Me: *cheeks burning, eyes wide, trying desperately to figure out what he means*

Customer: *panicked, finally realizing his mistake* “I meant doggy paddle! You see, my son hasn’t learned… I meant doggy paddle!”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, my God.”

(That was a tour I’ll never forget.)

My Wife Is My Stingray Of Sunshine

, , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I work at an aquarium. I’m at the touch pools supervising to prevent any incidents, when a new group of people walks up to the pools.)

Me: “Hi, guys, would you like to touch a creature? If you would, you’re just going to use one or two fingers and stroke.”

Guy In the Group: “That’s what I tell my wife, too.”

Me: “I’m not sure how to respond to that.”

Batteries Can Be Used At The Same Time, Though

, , , , , | Learning | September 10, 2018

(I go to an all-girls school. It is my third year, and I am sitting in French class. My French teacher is new to the school, and is known for being strict and never cracking a smile.)

French Teacher: “Girls, can anyone tell me what the French word is for ‘battery’?”

(Everyone looks at each other, clueless.)

French Teacher: “I’m sure you all know it; it’s a very popular brand of batteries. It begins with a D.”

Student: “DUREX!”

(Here in Ireland, Durex is a condom company.)

French Teacher: *trying to refrain from laughing* “Eh, no, [Student]. It’s Duracell.”

Page 3/5612345...Last