College Grades Go From A To E To STD

, , , | Healthy | January 4, 2018

(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)

Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”

Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”

(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)

If You’re Screwed You Win

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I am walking past the checkouts and see a few workers pointing at random customers. One points at me. I decide to investigate.)

Me: “Sorry, I couldn’t help noticing… What are you talking about?”

Coworker #1: *nervous* “Umm, we were just playing a game.”

Coworker #2: “F***, marry, kill?”

Me: “Oh, I know that.” *walks away* “Wait… Which one was I?”

Coworker #2: “Umm, f***.”

Me: “Oh!”

Coworker #2: “But I would have to get really drunk beforehand… but only because I’m gay. Not because you aren’t attractive, or anything.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Coworker #2: “I think I’ll just go over there and kill myself now.”

Me: “Oh, well. Nice knowing you!”

(As I walked away I heard them grilling him on why he told me. Despite it being highly inappropriate, I found it quite funny. I also was the one who asked, so I didn’t really have a right to be offended, anyway.)

Can’t Quite Pin Down A Translation

, , , , | Right | January 3, 2018

(I am running the parts counter when a customer approaches me. I don’t speak Spanish and a large portion of the customers that come in don’t speak English.)

Customer: “I’m looking for this.” *shows me a picture of the entire front suspension*

Me: “What part?”

Customer: *points at nothing specific* “The penis. I need the penis.”

Me: *trying to contain laughter* “The what?”

Customer: “The penis. This one.” *points at nothing specific again*

(I get a Spanish speaker to handle the customer because of the language barrier. Shortly later he leaves.)

Me: “What the h*** did he want? He kept asking me for a penis.”

Coworker: “Peñas is a Spanish word that is pronounced a similar way; it has something to do with pins.”

A Bit Of “Friendly” Advice

, , , | Right | January 3, 2018

(I work as a cashier in a popular grocery store chain. I’m on the express checkout, which is a limited-items register. Since we are so busy most people are way above the limit. An older gentleman who is a frequent customer of mine comes to my line.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name]! Glad you’re here today! I could really use your help.”

Me: “No problem! Between you and me, that’s why I’m here. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: *whips out two different types of condoms* “I have a friend coming over, and it’s been so long since I’ve had to buy these. And now there’s so many varieties it’s unreal. Which would you recommend?”

Me: “Uhm… well… I’m not quite sure. Don’t they all have the same effect really? I mean, and I don’t mean to be rude if I am but, aren’t you too old to have kids?” *he’s in his mid 60s*

Customer: “You know, I questioned that myself. BUT you can never be too safe. Now come on, which ones are best?”

Me: ” Mr. [Customer], I really couldn’t tell you. Go with the purple box; it’s pretty.”

Customer: “Are you serious? I How could you not know?! Are you some sort of lesbian or something?!”

Me: “Actually—” *pulls out my phone and shows him my lock-screen, which is in fact a picture of my girlfriend of three years* “I am, Mr. [Customer].”

Customer: “Oh! Well, congratulations. I had no idea. I’ll go with the purple box!”

(I finally finished checking him out, all the while him talking about his “friend.”)

Monsieur Shouty-Pants: A Cautionary Tale

, , , , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(I’m half French, and the following takes place in Paris when I’m flying back from a family event. My flight is cancelled, and the inevitable queue of disgruntled passengers is starting to build around the customer service desk. I am standing behind an American chap who is in full how-dare-you-cancel-my-flight, do-you-not-know-who-I-am mode, made worse by the fact that he is shouting in English and the representative is clearly French. He eventually storms off, I suspect without the ticket he needs. The representative shakes her head and gives a shrug as I approach.)

Me: “Quel gentilhomme charmant!” *What a charming fellow!*

Representative: “Ah, je ne m’en fous pas!” *I don’t give a f***!*

(She then realises what she’s said and turns bright red.)

Me: *in hysterics* “Ah, oui, moi je n’ai pas envie de le f***** non plus!” *I wouldn’t want to f*** him either!*

(She made sure I got on the next flight. I didn’t manage to get an upgrade, but I suspect I got home much more quickly than Monsieur Shouty-Pants.)

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