Turning The Coding System Upside Down

, , , , , , | Working | March 27, 2018

(At our store we have radios almost all of the staff use for quick communication, as well as codes for certain things. For reference, a “29” is the code for, “Need change for the cash drawer.”)

Coworker #1: “Hey, can I get a 69, please? I really need some fives.”

(At this point, half of the staff are laughing, but nobody corrects her, and she gets her change. The next day, however…)

Coworker #1: “Hey, I need a 69. Running low on tens.”

Coworker #2: *laughing between words* “Wow, are you really that desperate for money?”

Coworker #1: “What? What do you… Oh, my gosh. What did I say?”

Trying To Think Outside The Box(er)

, , , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(I am a manager at a store in a small town. I’m running a register because one of my cashiers is on break and we’ve suddenly hit a rush. My customers are a husband and wife.)

Me: “The total is [amount].”

Wife: *hands me the bills and turns to her husband* “Do you have the change? I left my purse in the car.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change.”

Wife: “I need the change. I don’t have anything on me but big bills.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change. I don’t have any pockets. I’m in my boxers.”

(The comment startled me and I found myself glancing at what I had previously thought were the man’s shorts. Sure enough, they were, in fact, only boxers. I offered to cover the change, just to get them out of there before any “incident” occurred.)

Nakedly Unashamed

, , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2018

(A woman and her daughter, who is probably about six at the absolute oldest, are browsing through our card selection. Suddenly, the little girl gasps excitedly. Her eyes go wide as quarters, and she turns to look at me with a HUGE smile on her face.)

Me: *thinking she’s seen one of the card with cute animals* “What’d you see?”

Little Girl: *just stands there, mouth open, still a huge smile*

Her Mother: “Which card, honey?”

Little Girl: *points to a card with a man in a bathing suit posing on a beach with a dog*

Me: “Do you really like dogs?”

Little Girl: *shakes her head back and forth, still just smiling*

Her Mother: “Are you looking at the nice dog?”

Little Girl: “No! I’m looking at the nice, naked man!”

Haven’t Got The Balls To Eat Them

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(I am a guy in my early 20s. My mother, her friend, and I get lunch at the restaurant where my roommate works. He is our waiter and comes to take our order.)

Friend: “I can’t remember the word for it, but I’d like the octopus testicles.”

Waiter: “The what?”

Friend: “You know, octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Um…”

Mom: *laughs*

Me: *poker face*

Friend: “What? You know what I’m talking about. Octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Uh…”

(This continues on for half a dozen requests for octopus “testicles.” I’m trying, and utterly failing, to contain laughter. My mom is close to busting a rib, and my roommate is silently standing there with an extremely uncomfortable look on his face.)

Mom: *whispers in her friend’s ear*

Friend: *eyes popping out* “Oh! Oh, no!”

Mom: “She wants the calamari.”

(She thought she was saying “tentacles.”)

When You Were Younger, You Gave Away The Moon

, , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I am 13 at the time, and I’m using the swing set with my 16-year-old sister at the park. For some horrible reason I have neglected to put on underwear today.)

Me: “I’m going to swing higher than you!”

Sister: “Oh, yeah? I’d like to see you try!”

(I swing so high I start to fall backwards, until my belt loops snag onto the chains. My sister gasps. I swing upside-down by my belt loops, so that my pants have slid down to my ankles.)

30-Year-Old Man: *with small daughter* “Um… Do you need help, miss?”

Me: *moons growing audience of parents and small children*

Four-Year-Old Boy: “It’s a BUTT!”

(My shirt has fallen over my face by this point, and I have to do a nude sit-up to grab the chains.)

Four-Year-Old Boy: “Are you okay?”

Sister: *dies laughing*

Me: *falls off swing and kicks [Sister] before sprinting away*

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