(I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)

Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”

Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*

Guy: *to girl* “Honey, do you understand any of this?”

Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”

Guy: *to me* “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her–” *points to girlfriend* “–which would you choose?”

Me: “Well… this one has a built-in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”

(The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with his girlfriend.)

Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”

Me: “More than you would think.”

(I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you, sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

(He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

(He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

(He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

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(A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…p*rn.”

Me: “You mean adult movies?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

Customer: “I want some p*rn now! What kind of store is this?”

Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some p*rn with my wife.”

Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

(Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90’s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”

Me: “Okay, which tank?”

Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”

(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(I do some ID verification stuff.)

Me: “All right, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher: *apparently remembering at the last minute* “Oh, no.”

Me: “Piggly… Wiggly… F***er.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah… thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

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