(It’s 3:30 am, and a hotel guest wanders into the back office that is clearly marked for staff only…)

Guest: “My phone isn’t working. I need to call someone… it’s really important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t be back here. Please go back into the lobby and I will reset your phone line.”

Guest: *points at a chair* “Can’t I sit here?”

Me: “No. Go back out into the lobby, right now.”

Guest: *sits down* “I came here with a girl and she left me. Now I need to call for another girl.”

Me: “I’m sorry, really, but you can’t sit here. You can’t be back here. Please, go back into the lobby.”

Guest: *gets up* “Sorry. I’m upset.”

Me: “Give me a minute and I’ll reset your phone line and then call your room to see if it goes through.”

(I reset his phone and call his room. He leaves, only to come back five minutes later.)

Guest: “It still isn’t working. I’m really unhappy. Do you know where I can get a prostitute?”

Me: “I’m sure if you walk outside on the street and go to the corner you can find one, but you can’t bring her back here.”

Guest: “That isn’t safe.”

Me: “I’m sorry… I can’t help you, sir.”

Guest: “Are you a prostitute?”

Me: “No!”

Guest: “I’ll pay you $160.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a prostitute, and I’m going to call security.”

Guest: “No, you won’t. You’re a prostitute. How about $280? How much do men normally pay?”

Me: “Do I look like a prostitute? I’m a receptionist. I do paperwork and check people in. I don’t sleep with them.”

Guest: “All of the girls that I know who are receptionists at night are prostitutes.”

Me: “Well, I’m not. Can you please go back to your room?!”

Guest: “I’m from Miami.”

Me: “Good. Can you please go back to your room?”

Guest: “Fine. Tomorrow I’m going to complain about the service here!”

Me: “… because I won’t sleep with you for money?”

Guest: “Will you just come sleep with me? I just need thirty minutes.”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “I’m talking to the manager tomorrow.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. Good luck…”

(He finally leaves, and I make a note of this encounter. I discover the next day that he was refunded $20 due to my poor service. I have no idea what he told the receptionist when he checked out, but she clearly didn’t read my note!)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Hotel Guest: “I was charged for two movies last night that I did not watch.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately I can not adjust these movies off. They were completely viewed from beginning to end–both movies.”

Hotel Guest: “That’s absurd, there’s no way I saw those movies last night. I was asleep. What are the movies that were watched?”

Me: “They’re adult movies, ma’am…”

Hotel Guest: *enraged* “I DID NOT WATCH ANY DIRTY MOVIES!”

Me: “Is there someone else in your room that may have ordered them?”

Hotel Guest: “It’s just me and my boyfriend…”

Me: *tight smile*

Hotel Guest: “Oh. My. God. He ordered p*rn. We’re at a romantic getaway and he orders p*rn! I’m going to kill him!”

Me: “I have a tall mocha.”

Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”

Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”

(She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”

Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”

Me: *without a beat* “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”

Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is [My Name].”

(The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48-inch dick.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I mean DECK!”

(It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”

Woman: “LIAR!”