Are You A Charged Atom? Because I’ve Got My Ion You

, , , , , , | Learning | February 12, 2020

(I’m a student in an all-girls high school. One day, we get a university student who is supposed to teach us chemistry as part of his degree. After his lecture, he realises that most of us don’t understand the concept and tries to explain it better.)

Teacher: “Okay, so, the difference in covalent and dative bonding is basically this. For example, let’s say that you dated a classmate and the two of you went out for dinner. The two of you probably have the same amount of money, so you will split the cost equally. That’s covalent bonding. You get that?”

Class: “Uh-huh.”

(As he speaks, he draws a diagram of two atoms contributing one electron each to a covalent bond. He then draws another diagram where one low-electron atom receives two elections from a high-electron atom to form a dative bond.)

Teacher: “However, you could date a rich sugar daddy, instead, and he’ll pay the full cost of dinner for you. That’s dative bonding. You get that?”

(After we stopped laughing, we got the concept. He got chewed out by our regular chemistry teacher for his “inappropriate analogy,” but he certainly made our day.)

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This Report Is About To Pop  

, , , , | Working | February 10, 2020

(We have a report with the acronym “CHRY” which we often refer to as the “cherry.” It’s deadline day, so I am making my rounds for the departments who have yet to submit theirs. I walk into the commercial administrator’s office and notice she is with someone I don’t recognise.)

Me: “Oops, sorry to interrupt. Is your cherry ready?”

Commercial Admin: “It will be soon, just—”

Commercial Manager: “Excuse me?”

Commercial Admin: “Oh, this is [My Name], the site manager. And this is [Commercial Manager], the commercial manager for [Site in Central Scotland].”

Commercial Manager: “What did you just ask this woman?

Me: “It’s a report. The deadline is today.”

Commercial Manager: “No. I’m pretty sure you just asked her if she’s had her cherry popped!”

(The commercial admin and I share a glance.)

Commercial Admin: “I can assure you, he did not. Look, it’s probably easier…”

(She logs into her PC and the report comes up.)

Commercial Admin: “See—” *points at the header* “C H R Y…”

Commercial Manager: “I don’t see what that has to do with virginity!”

Commercial Admin: “No. CHRY, it spells cherry. We call this report the cherry. He was asking me if I’d finished my part of the report.”

(It finally clicks and the manager starts blushing.)

Commercial Manager: “Oh… I guess this happens a lot with new people?”

Commercial Admin: *before I can sympathetically agree* “No, you’re the first.”

(I later received the report with a note saying the commercial manager apologised for the accusation. Our admin later confirmed that the manager was adamant nothing she did was wrong, neither with the misunderstanding, nor the accusation, but after talking she agreed to let our admin apologise for her. Apparently, this is how she operates; anything wrong is swiftly denied and ignored. She must be murder to work with.)

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Tightening Security By Loosening Some Belts

, , , , , | Working | February 5, 2020

(I work in a very popular tourist attraction that has very high security, with folks having to go through a screening process to enter. We often get large foreign tour groups that can sometimes slow the process down due to not understanding directions. The outside company guide for an elderly Chinese tour group have the idea to make things easier for me by giving the instructions himself, pantomiming and repeating in Mandarin if he isn’t understood.)

Me: “They know no food, no drink?”

Guide: “Right. No food, no drink! All on the bus?”

Group: *nods*

Guide: “We will now go through security. To go fast, listen to me! We take off our metal!” *takes off watch dramatically*

Group: *take off watches and large jewelry*

Guide: “Good. Now—” *undoes belt* “—we take off our pants!”

Me: *in a panic* “You do not take off your pants!”

Guide: “I meant belt! Take off belts! Because metal! Keep the pants!”

(We then spent a minute reassuring the mortified seniors that they could, indeed, keep their pants on to go through security. Thankfully, everything went fine after that.)

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What Goes Around…

, , , , , | Related | February 5, 2020

(My mother used to go out to dinner once a month with a bunch of my sister’s classmates’ mothers. At the time, the kids were in middle school, so the mom group was affectionately called Middle School Moms, or MSM for short. They still met up in high school, but less and less. The group somewhat fell apart after high school. My mom and I are discussing how the group is going to be reunited soon.)

Mom: “So, Middle School Moms are back in action!”

Me: “Yeah? That’s cool! Now that you’re not middle school moms anymore, what are you calling yourselves?”

Mom: “I didn’t think about that.”

Me: “Well, everyone is in college or university now, so… College and University Moms?”

Mom: “Yeah! I like it! College and University Moms! C, U… Oh, no, no, no!”

Me: “Oh, no! I didn’t think about that! Okay, so no to that name!”

Mom: “Maybe we’ll just stick with Middle School Moms.”

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You Have To Nip That One In The Bud

, , , , , , | Right | February 4, 2020

I used to work in a college bookstore at a university in Texas. In addition to books and school supplies, we sold clothing and other paraphernalia with the university name on it. Naturally, we had mannequins for displaying the clothes in the store windows.

One time, we had gotten new mannequins, as the old ones were getting pretty beat up. These mannequins were fairly anatomically correct on the torso, but none of the management or staff thought anything of it until one day we were informed that a lady had come into the office screaming her head off about our “obscene” mannequins. She demanded that something be done about them and ended up writing a letter of complaint to the regional office.

I still wince when I think about the sight of my male coworker sanding the nipples off of the poor female mannequins with a power-sander.

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