CONTENT WARNING: Rude humor

Our office is having a big staff meeting (all hands!) called to announce redundancies. As we’re waiting for it to start, the atmosphere is very tense, and conversation is at a minimum. We’re all waiting for the receptionist to come back from the toilet before the managing director starts things off.

One of the managers, a big, loud Scottish guy, looks at his watch impatiently as she walks back in, and says for the whole room to hear:

Scottish Guy: “I hope you remembered to shake off your lettuce!”

You could have heard a pin drop.

Scottish Guy: *To everyone.* “Oh, calm down, everyone! I was told today was my last day already!”

That was also my last day in that office, but that single moment will be the memory I have of that day that outlasts all others.

I come from a very progressive family. LGBTQ acceptance has never been viewed as controversial in any way, shape, or form. My aunt is an out-and-proud lesbian, and no one in the family has ever had a problem with that for the entirety of her life since she started dating.

Then one day she starts dating [Girlfriend]. Now [Girlfriend] is abusive and downright mean. She is mean to my aunt in front of us, she is mean to the little cousins, and she cussed out my grandmother. But any time anyone says anything back to her, she claims homophobia. Saying that we are ignorant and are against her because we can’t accept having a lesbian in the family.

Finally, one day, she goes too far and insults my grandfather (who has passed) to my grandmother. This obviously upsets Grandma, and she tells [girlfriend] that what she said isn’t okay. [Girlfriend] has her usual counter that this is all homophobia, and no one would have a problem if she were a man.

Grandma: “You misunderstood, we dislike you because you are a c**t, not because you have one.”

Related:
At This Rate Never Pick A Fight With Any Old Woman…, Part 3
At This Rate Never Pick A Fight With Any Old Woman…, Part 2
At This Rate Never Pick A Fight With Any Old Woman…

I work in an older library. On the first floor, there’s a niche in the very back with a couple of study desks and chairs. The second floor extends almost to the back wall, with a gap that means someone can stand in the final aisle of shelves on the second floor and look down into that niche on the first floor. Incidentally, the way the walls are shaped means that any sound made in that niche carries up to the second floor with crystal clarity.

One day, I went up to the second floor to pull holds, and heard someone having an extremely… unfiltered… conversation. As I walked towards the back of the second floor, their voice became louder and louder, and I could tell it was because they were sitting in the first-floor niche on their phone. The various patrons I passed had pained expressions.

I walked to the final aisle of shelves, leaned down, and pinpointed the talker.

Me: “Ma’am?”

Woman: “And then that mother-f***** had the f****** gall to say to me that I was a w****, so I told him where he could stick his—”

Me: “MA’AM!”

Woman: “Hang on, someone’s being an eavesdropping little b****.” *She starts looking around.*

Me: “Up here, ma’am.”

She looks up and sees me.

Woman: “I am trying to have a private conversation!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure you are. Just be aware that from where you’re sitting, your conversation can be heard by everyone on the second floor.”

Someone In The Next Aisle: “I want to hear where she told him to stick it!”

The woman swore violently and ran out, yelling “THEY HEARD EVERYTHING!” into her phone. Murmurs of “thank you” followed me all the way back to the front of the floor.

I’m an American working as an English teacher in China for one year. I’ve tried to pick up some Mandarin with limited success, so when I go to a large grocery store, if I need help finding something, I’ll find an employee and ask my phone to bring up pictures of the item I can’t find so the employee can take me to it. 

I’m looking for peanut butter, but I’m not sure where to go. I find an employee and pull out my phone.

Me: *To phone.* “Search the internet for pictures of peanut butter.”

I am about 0.00001 seconds from having my phone in this poor woman’s face when I hear my phone reply:

Siri: “Here are some pictures of penis I found on the web.”

Horrified, I whip my phone back to me and clear the search from the screen. I then make sure to enunciate better and wait to see the results before showing it to the woman.

Me: “Search the internet for pictures of peanut butter!”

My heart was still pounding for a while after that. THAT would have been hard to explain around the language barrier.

I was working as a pizza delivery driver a few years back, and my friend and I had a really good week. We get off work one night and are heading to the bar across the street, talking about how much we made.

It is worth noting that my friend learned English as a third language.

Bouncer: *Recognizing us.* “You’re both in good moods tonight!”

Friend: “Yeah! We earned a lot this week! We did really well! I’m gonna splooge on myself tonight!”

Bouncer: *Giving us both a worried look.*

Me: “Splurge, [Friend]! It’s splurge!”