No Smooth Ways To Get Out Of The Exam

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 12, 2018

(I work in a local school, not as a teacher, but my position means I’m regularly helping out students in classes across multiple subjects and grade levels. I am a man. This happens one day in a grade-nine math class.)

Me: *walking past [Female Student #1], noticing she is falling a bit behind the average question students are up to* “[Female Student #1], do you know what to do?”

Female Student #1: “What? Oh, yeah, sure. Um, sir, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Female Student #1: *pushing one of her legs out from under her desk into the walk-space* “Feel my leg.”

Me: *absolutely taken aback* ” Um… No. Why?”

Female Student #1: *actually sounding a little annoyed* “Sir, just touch it. It’s smooth.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that. How about we get back to doing question—”

(Interrupting:)

Female Student #1: “Touch my leg!”

(At this point the students classmate chimes in.)

Female Student #2: “Just feel her leg, sir. I did; it’s really smooth.”

(This has officially reached “too weird” levels.)

Me: “I believe you.”

(I just walk away to another table of students. To my amazement, I hear [Female Student #1] talking to the class teacher.)

Female Student #1: “…and is refusing to touch it. Come on, miss! You do it!”

Teacher: *giving me a “WTF is going on?” look* “Yes, it’s smooth, [Female Student #1]. Can you do your math now?”

Female Student #1: “Can you tell my Mr. [My Name] to do it, too?”

(At this point the teacher and I lost it in fits of laughter. The ridiculousness of the situation was just too much. After class we found out the student had had her legs waxed for the first time and wanted to show it off. We could not get her to understand why it was inappropriate for her to ask a grown man to feel how smooth her thighs were. Ah, the innocence of the young.)

The Merry Adventures Of Mr. Plow

, , , , , | Romantic | January 12, 2018

(I, a twenty-three year old woman, work third shift at a gas station, alone. It is the first major snowfall of the season and everybody who owns a plow is out there. A guy in his thirties comes in to buy a soda and cigarettes.)

Me: *after I scan them* “Anything else?”

Customer: *handing me the money* “A plowing partner.”

(As I’m putting it in the drawer, I suddenly wonder if he wasn’t talking about clearing snow. I decide to ignore the comment as I hand him his change. Apparently he also rethought his words.)

Customer: “I just realized that might have come off the wrong way…”

(I reassured him I knew what he meant, but that accidental suggestive comment actually made my night.)

It’s All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Related | January 11, 2018

(I’m hanging out with my cousins one evening when I tell them the shenanigans I’m going through while training my new dog.)

Me: “My dog is having trouble with the ‘down’ command, and I’ve had to try a few different kind of treats to entice her. I’m surprised the duck treats didn’t work, but shocked the beef liver ones didn’t either. She loves those things!”

Cousin #1: “Did you end up finding something that worked?”

Me: “Yeah, I tried the salami I had in my fridge for my lunch. Success!”

Cousin #2: “That makes sense. I totally would go down for salami.”

([Cousin #1] and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. It took [Cousin #2] a solid minute before she realized what she said. She turned red!)

Lesbians Versus The Devil

, , , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(My husband and I work at a religious supply shop that caters to multiple faiths. Because of this, we often get phone calls that would be considered strange anywhere else.)

Me: *answering phone* “[Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Would you pray with me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not something I feel comfortable doing. There are so many different faiths and practices, and, in my opinion, prayer is best when personal.”

Customer: “I’m a Satanist.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter to me, sir. I have no problem with Satanists, but am not one myself.”

(Just then the other phone line rings.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir; I have another call coming in. Can you please hold?”

(He says yes, and I end up transferring him to my husband. The caller on the other line has a quick question about whether we have an item in stock, so I get to hear my husband’s side of the conversation.)

Husband: “I’m sorry, what were you looking for?!” *pause* “We don’t carry anything like that here.” *pause* “Oh, you want to pray that you’ll find it?” *pause* “Okay, sir, good luck on your search.” *hangs up phone*

Me: “What was that all about?”

Husband: “He’s going to [Nearby City]’s flea market tomorrow, and he was hoping to find ‘big booty lesbian DVDs.’”

Me: “Wait, so he called us to ask if we would be willing to pray for him to find lots of porn at the flea market?!”

Husband: “Big booty lesbian porn!”

Me: “We get the best calls!”

If He’s Not Careful, His Career Will Be Ancient History

, , , , , , | Learning | January 9, 2018

(We are in Ancient History, learning about Alexander the Great. My teacher is only a year or so qualified from an Oxbridge University, and is a stereotypical Oxbridge graduate: tweed jacket, glasses, and briefcase. He is very animated and passionate about his lessons and sometimes gets carried away in his excitement. Memorable moments are:)

Teacher: *teaching about the Siege of Tyre* “And there was a lot of man-on-man action– Wait, no!”

Teacher: *teaching about sacrificial animals* “And they were male goats, meaning, of course, they were very horny– Wait, what?”

Teacher: *teaching about a sea battle* “Because of that, the boats ran aground, and the soldiers were forced to die on the boat or swim, and the ones that died got very p***ed off– DON’T TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT!”

(Brilliant teacher. I’m doing Classical Civilisation A-Level because of his and my other Ancient History teacher’s passion for and excellence at teaching the subject. Unfortunately, he doesn’t teach me now, but every time I see him I remember these anecdotes.)

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