They Do Say Visa Is Accepted Anywhere

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

B-Stow Upon You New B-Words

, , , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

They Took It Anime Too Far

, , , , , | Friendly | July 13, 2018

(My friends and I are avid cosplayers and anime fans. I arrive at one of my friend’s houses and find her tearing her bedroom apart. This happens only three months away from a convention.)

Me: “What the h*** happened here?”

Friend: “I can’t find my cosplay costume.”

Me: “That’s weird; you’re not type to misplace things.”

Friend: “This is a disaster.”

Me: “Calm down. There’s still time. I brought ice cream.”

(That usually cheers her up. On the way downstairs, we pass by her sister’s room. We hear moaning.)

Me: “New boyfriend?”

Friend: “Yup. God, why are the walls so thin?”

Guy: *panting* “Please, Mistress [Anime Character]…”

Me: “Did I just hear that right?”

(Turns out, her sister’s new boytoy had a thing for anime cosplay. The sister shamelessly took the costume and used it for bedroom activities. We literally caught them with their pants down. The costume was ripped and stained in several places, and we all had to pitch in to make a new one, this time not from scratch. My friend and her sister no longer live together, and no longer talk as far as I’m aware.)

What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

Out Of Line On The Line

, , , , , | Right | July 12, 2018

(I work at a call center with a major cell phone carrier.)

Me: “Good afternoon. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you like sex?”

Me: *pregnant pause*

Caller: “Hello? Hello are you there? I ask you a question. Do you like sex?”

(I flag down a manager, as we’re not allowed to hang up until we notify a supervisor our “customer” is being abusive. Meanwhile, my mouth is going on to fill the space because every call is recorded, and they watch the audio readouts for gaps of silence.)

Me: “Sir, I will only ask you once not to talk to me that way.”

Low-Level Supervisor: *overhearing, looks at me in shock, and frantically runs to get an actual manager*

Caller: “I only ask you a simple question. Hello? Hello? Did you hear me? I just want to know if you like the sex.” *continues in the same vein, much more explicitly, with an eerily innocent tone*

Manager: “[My Name], is he being nasty?”

Me: *while muting myself on the phone* “Yes. Yes, he is. May I please hang up?”

Manager: “Yes! Yes! I thought you did already!”

Me: “Thank you! No one said I could yet.”

Caller: “Hello, are you still there? Do you want to sex with—”

Me: *hangs up*

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