Not Putting Yourself Into Pole Position

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2018

(I work at a women’s plus-size clothing store, and I am very energetic because I like my job and enjoy helping people. People have described me as cheerleader-like, and also very sweet, which is incredibly kind of them! One day I’m checking out a woman and her husband, and I’m dancing slightly to the music we have playing in the store, so I say a little joke I’ve said hundreds of times before.)

Me: *while ringing them up* “And you get a free dance with every purchase!”

Husband: “Oh? So where’s the pole?”

(The wife gasps, and I stop dancing and stare at him, flabbergasted that he would make such a sexual joke about me. He suddenly looks very sheepish.)

Husband: “Uh… Sorry. That sounded a lot better in my head.”

(At least he apologized!)

Making No Concessions About The Language They Use

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I worked in a movie theater all through high school and most days we got complaints about the prices of our concessions. This however, was the craziest thing anyone said about it.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Lady: “You guys rape people with your prices.” *walks away*

(Well, that escalated quickly.)

Literally Slaving For Your Man

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2018

(A man walks into the store where I work. He is quiet and has a hat indicating he is a veteran.)

Me: “Hello, sir, are you looking for anything in particular today?”

Customer: *speaking quietly, almost in a mutter* “So, do you guys have, like… slave collars?”

Me: “We… uh… have choker necklaces?”

(After a few minutes he picks one out. I then help ring him out.)

Customer: “She wants a collar to wear around the house. You know… like a slave.”

Swan Lake It Isn’t…

, , , , , | Friendly | September 24, 2018

(I am fifteen. A friend’s dad gets free tickets to a ballet, and offers them to my friend and me. It is a production about Merlin, so we decide to dress up and go. We get handed programs, sit down, read them, and wait for the show to start. It starts with dancing and leaping and so many other amazing moves that I cannot begin to do justice to with words. According to that part of the program, the story goes that a beautiful woman comes to a clearing and dances with glee, then is accosted by a demon, is chased, and becomes pregnant with Merlin. We get to a point where Merlin’s mother is lying on the ground, while the demon keeps walking back and forth above her. I’m wondering if this is some kind of metaphorical thing, because he is stepping over her body the whole time, and lean over to my friend and whisper to ask her opinion.)

Me: “Do you think he’s already—”

(Right as I say this, the “demon” gets down on all fours, lies on top of her, and arches his back.)

Me: *pause* “Never mind.”

A Freudian Slip Below The Neckline

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(It’s a quiet evening and I am the only staff member on the shop floor. I am a 19-year-old female. Two middle-aged male customers walk into the store. They browse for a bit and then bring a DVD and some snacks to the counter.)

Me: “Good evening. How are you both?”

Customer: “Hi. Just these, please.”

(The customer places the items on the desk, and I ring them through while making general conversation. The transaction goes normally, until this…)

Customer: “So, did it hurt when you got your nipples pierced?”

Me: “Um…”

(I have my nose, ears, and navel pierced, but no other piercings, so I am not sure how to reply to this.)

Customer: “Oh, my God… Nose! I meant, did it hurt when you got your nose pierced?!”

Me: *relieved and trying not to laugh* “Oh! Yes, it did a little, but it wasn’t too bad.”

(I finish the transaction, somehow managing not to dissolve into laughter, and the customers leave the store. At this point, I can no longer keep it in, and burst into laughter, just as my supervisor walks onto the shop floor. I explain to him what just took place.)

Supervisor: “He was probably just trying his hardest not to stare at your chest, and that ended up being a Freudian slip!”

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