I work in a hotel. I’m on a 9:00 pm to 7:00 am night audit shift. At 10:30 pm, a family of four — a dad, a mom, their preschool-aged toddler, and their infant — are in the lobby. They are just enjoying life. I give them a hello.

Couple: “We love your hotel! We have a bed for ourselves and a bed for our kiddos, and it’s just so nice! We’ll definitely be coming back. You people are super nice!”

I’m immediately charmed by this family, and I’m happy they are happy.

My first impression of this family is that they probably are not swimming in cash back home. They’re probably not the valedictorians of their high school graduating class nor taste-making influencers, but they’re genuinely nice people.

I gather that my modern mid-scale “owner-friendly” chain hotel is the fancy hotel from “Coming To America” to these kind folks.

After a little family time in the lobby recreational area, the family shuffles off to their room. We say our goodbyes. I like them.

At 11:15ish, my friends are back again. Gotta get a smoke in. We laugh at the false goodbye.

At midnight, just Dad and the infant come down. The cute little baby is fussy. We have a discussion about our hotel breakfast.

At 12:30, there’s a family parade again. Okay, the kiddos can’t sleep. Might as well walk around the lobby. I guess. Dad, you’re smoking while holding the infant outside?

At 1:00 am, Dad comes down on his own. He strolls the lobby again and then has another cigarette.

Dad: “Can we get a late checkout?”

Me: “My friend, check with me at breakfast and we’ll see what we can do.”

At 1:30 am, family parade again. I’ve run out of small talk. I also start to feel bad for these kids. Don’t they need sleep? I never noticed that Dad only has a couple of teeth.

At 2:00 am, back again! This time with a whole bunch of pizza for the lobby microwave. This couple sure has hummingbird energy. How is anyone to sleep on a diet of pizza and secondhand smoke in the middle of the night?

Oop. Repeat convos now. Breakfast. Late checkout availability. Yes, this is a nice hotel. Oh, you’re off to bed for real this time? (I don’t believe you for a second.)

I begin to wonder. They never charged anything to a room. I never got their room number. Just for doo-doos and chuckles, I’m gonna do a perimeter check, restroom check, and floor walk.

All clear. I’m a real jerk. Stop making assumptions, ya jerk.

At 2:30 am, Dad is back! This time, he’s alone. Real hummingbird energy this time. So full of energy and insomnia.

Dad: “Do you have a condom?”

He gives me that smile that says, “I’m getting lucky.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t stock condoms.”

Dad: “Ah, well.”

Wait, was that an “Ah, well, I guess it ain’t happening tonight,” or, “Ah, well, I guess we’re risking a third child”?!

WAIT! “We have a bed for ourselves and a bed for our kiddos…”

I ran the night audit with the uncomfortable visuals of my toothless friend and his wife totally pulling the goalie while their toddler and infant slept in the same room. YIKES.

The last words he spoke to me were at 6:45 am. He said, “Them grits is too hard,” and I thought it was an appropriate finale to our friendship.

I am checking out a customer who has her young daughter with her, I’m guessing around three years old. She is very talkative and precocious! She is picking up items on the belt and asking about them.

Daughter: “Mommy, what are these?”

Customer: “Those are batteries.”

Daughter: “What do they do?”

Customer: “Well you know your My Little Pony?”

Daughter: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Those give it power to make all the sounds and lights.”

Daughter: “Oh. And what are these?”

She picks up a pack of condoms.

Customer: “Oh… uh… well they’re like toys too, but for mommy and daddy.”

Daughter: “And do you use batteries for these too?”

Customer: “Only when mommy plays by herself.”

Suddenly the customer’s eyes go wide, and she looks at me.

Customer: “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to say that out loud!”

Me: “Don’t be! That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week!”

I work at a natural history museum that has an earthquake simulator. I am working in the café, and a tourist is telling me about her visit.

Customer: “Oh, we’re having a great day! We went to your earthquake and volcano section and tried the earthquake stimulator!“

Me: “The earthquake sim-ulator! Yes, that’s always a favourite.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, it was a really good stimulation! We all had to hold on while we were shook about!”

Me: “Yes, it’s a pretty good sim-ulator!“

Customer: “I might go try the stimulator one more time before I go, but maybe without the kids. They got scared last time.”

Me: “Yes… that might be best.”

Caller: “I’m calling to dispute this charge on my credit card. It looks like one of those sneaky online subscriptions that you might accidentally sign up for on a website and they hope you’re not looking.”

Me: “Yes, I will look into that for you. I need to confirm if the company making the charge, [Company], sounds familiar?”

Caller: “Not in the slightest. Does it say what they do?”

Me: “I… uh… It looks like it might be coded as a subscription to a website offering… uh… adult material.”

Caller: “Oh… Oh!“

Me: “Does anyone else have access to your card in your household?”

The caller is already way ahead of me, and he is calling out to someone in the background.

Caller: “[Son]! Did you subscribe to [Adult Service] using my credit card!?”

I hear some mumbled yet panicked explaining, which sounds like it’s coming from a young man.

Caller: “[Son]! I’m so disappointed in you!”

More mumbled panic.

Caller: “I mean seriously, who pays for p*rn these days?! There are a million free sites—” *Click*

I get calls from customers who dispute credit card transactions they don’t recognize.

Caller: *Instantly yelling* “I need to file a fraud claim for this charge! It’s the one called ‘PL food and beverage’!”

Me: “Sir, this is a pending authorization, so we can’t do that until the charge hits the account.”

Caller: “But that wasn’t me! You have to file it as fraud now!”

Me: “I just need to confirm that you absolutely do not recognize this charge.”

Caller: “Are you stupid?! I said I don’t! Do something!”

While he is browbeating me for not doing what they want, I start Googling the company name. Right as the guy is at the height of his yelling at me, I read the first result that makes sense.

Me: “Paradise Lounge, Las Vegas?”

He stops dead silent.

Me: “Sir, could that be where the charge is from? Does that merchant sound familiar? That may be one of the pools’ bars at a hotel?”

I Google the Paradise Lounge as he starts backtracking about what he’s said.

Caller: “I… I went there, but I didn’t use my card! Seriously, this is so r****ded.”

This is the part where I realize I am on loudspeaker on his end, and his girlfriend is in the background.

Caller’s Girlfriend: “What the f*** is the Paradise Lounge?!”

I have a choice of what I can say next, but he used a slur for disabled people that my brother has been called his whole life.

Me: “I think it’s a gentlemen’s club. Sir? Did you go to any gentlemen’s clubs in Las Vegas recently? I’m looking on Google Maps and it’s right outside [Hotel].”

Yelling ensued on the other end of the phone and the call abruptly ended. If he had been nicer, I would have given an honest attempt to not blow his s*** up, but hey, karma, bruh.