(As I’m entering the apartment after my shift, my roommate walks towards me, red as a tomato.)

Roommate: “Um, [My Name], could you drive me to the emergency room?”

Me: “Why?”

Roommate: “Something, uh, got stuck…”

Me: “What?”

Roommate: “I was horny and…”

Me: “Please, I don’t need the details. Look, I know you and your girlfriend broke up. I know you’re frustrated, but this is ridiculous. As if keeping me awake at night with your moaning wasn’t bad enough. After you get this problem fixed, stop the pity party.”

(My roommate is not a bad person, but can be such an idiot. Turns out he had one of his girlfriend’s dildos up there. I introduced him to my cousin a month later. She’s pretty good at keeping him from hurting himself.)

(I am a moderator for a very large anime-based website, centered primarily around forums and the customizable avatars that sit next to user’s forum posts. The site has a PG-13 rating, which among other things means a ban on posting, linking, or requesting sexually explicit content. A user has posted a thread looking for cybersex — sexually explicit online roleplay. I delete the thread and send him a private message.)

Me: “This is a formal warning from [Site] staff. [Site] forbids the posting of sexually explicit material, including cybering. Further warnings may result in your account being banned, possibly permabanned.”

User: “I’ll cyber with you if you lift the warning.”

Me: “This is a formal warning from [Site] staff…”

(I am in line for the checkout. There is a rather well-to-do mother with her daughter in front of me. The daughter is making a bit of a fuss because she isn’t allowed to get an ice cream. She looks to be about seven or eight.)

Mother: “[Daughter], please be quiet. You’re embarrassing me. If you’re on your good behaviour until we get home, I promise the Naughty-Man won’t bang on your walls tonight.”

Daughter: “Mother, I’m not a child anymore. I have known for years that the Naughty-Man is really just Father and Uncle [Uncle] playing Hide the Pickle!”

(The mother turned red faster than a traffic light and dragged her daughter out of the shop, disregarding any decorum she previously held.)

(A customer comes in with his tablet; he’s been having a lot of problems with his eBook account and wants a hand.)

Customer: “Can you please help me get this book onto my account? I bought it the other day but can’t see it. The book in there should be [Christian-based book about Jesus].”

(I go through the app and cannot find any trace of the book.)

Me: “I cannot seem to find the book anywhere. Do you mind if I access your web browser so I can have a look at your settings for your eBook account?”

(The customer had no problem with the gesture. I went to open up the browser. About ten p*rn tabs were already open. I looked up at the old man and quickly exited the browser, as there were customers behind him who probably saw it. He didn’t even looked phased or embarrassed; he just stood there.)

(I work in IT for a large county health department. Recently we began web-based training for all employees on cyber security. A supervisor is using the agency training lab to have our school nurses take the training. I’m there to help the nurses navigate to the training.)

Supervisor: “Now that they are all online, I’m sure I can handle this, though I’m still a little fuzzy on talking about ‘fisting’ emails.”

Me: *pausing a minute* “Do you mean ‘phishing’?”

Supervisor: “Fisting, fishing, whatever…”

(I’m now a bit afraid of what other information this supervisor gave.)