(I am a costumed actor that doubles as a spotter for our park mascot. As such, I can talk; he can’t. This is one of the funnier interactions we’ve had. A toddler, around three or so, comes up with his mother. He’s more interested in running around than meeting us characters. We get a few photos, and he starts to take off, just as [Character] goes in for a fist bump.)

Mother: “[Child], look! [Character] is fisting you!”

Me: *shocked* “Uh…”

(I’m thinking, “Did she really just say that?!”)

Mother: “Look, [Child]! [Character] Is fisting you!”

(Our character actor is barely holding it together; I can see him shaking with laughter. Barely holding it together myself, I do my best pearl-clutch.)

Me: “Madam! It’s fist bump! Fist bump!“

Mother: *turning about three shades of red* “Oh, my God! What did I say?!”

(She hurries out with her very happy, oblivious child. A few people behind her snicker. Doing my best to stay in character, I turn to [Character], who is holding his sides.)

Me: “Oh, [Character], I do believe that it’s time for your break!”

([Character] salutes, gives a few more high-fives, and practically RUNS to our dressing area. I follow, and we dissolve into guffaws for our entire ten-minute break.)

(I work the night shift, which is usually when the ridiculous stuff happens. You have to be 21 to rent a room at this hotel, because we offer complimentary drinks with every reservation. This conversation happens at about 4:30 in the morning.)

Young Man: “Is there any way I can get a room here tonight?”

Me: “Sure! Our rate is [price].”

Young Man: “Yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

(He hands over his ID, and I see that he’s only 19.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but you have to be 21 to rent a room here.”

Young Man: “Oh… Well, is there anything I can do about that?”

Me: “Er… I mean if you have someone 21 or over to check you in, but other than that, no.”

Young Man: “I mean, I have another ID…”

Me: “Dude, I already saw that you’re under 21. I could lose my job.”

Young Man: “Oh… Okay.”

(He wanders off towards the elevators. I have an idea that this isn’t over, so I keep an eye out. Sure enough, about ten minutes later, he and a young lady reappear and swiftly disappear into our pool area. The pool is closed, but there are bathrooms down there, too.)

Me: *over radio* “Front Desk to Security…”

(They had a fifteen-minute romp in the bathroom before security broke them up and gave them a stern talking-to about discretion. They were more embarrassed than anything, and the guy actually apologized to me on his way out the door. I almost felt bad for the c**k-block, but if another guest had found them I’d be the one getting the earful.)

(A man comes in to pick up his dog at the end of the day. We inform him that he has an overage charge for his dog’s weight. We charge more for bigger dogs. His dog is about thirteen pounds over our no-charge limit. We called him earlier in the day to inform him, but he does not want to pay the fee.)

Customer: “Well, how much did my dog’s balls weigh? Because that should be deducted!”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Probably a couple of ounces, sir.”

(I’m a female working as a technician at a popular electronics store. I have just completed a technical appointment with a nice older couple, likely in their late 60s or early 70s, from New Zealand, with very thick accents. They are very pleasant people, and they tell me how much they’re loving their time in Canada. After their appointment:)

Woman: “Can you tell me if there’s a sex shop around?”

Me: *a bit taken aback by the question, but not one to judge* “Oh, yes, there are plenty in this area. I’ll show you on a map on one of our computers.” *takes them over to one of the store computers and types “sex shop” into maps search*

Woman: *bursts out laughing* “Oh, no no no, dear! I was asking about Saaaaaks. As in ‘Saks Off Fifth!’”

(She is referring to Saks department store, which we don’t have in Canada. I’m blushing profusely and the husband and wife are cracking up.)

Me: “Well… you never know… It made sense; you two are on vacation.” *laughs* “No, we don’t have that store in Canada.”

(All three of us were laughing so hard, I had to quickly make sure to close the open browser window with the nearest “sex shops” shown on the map. This was about five years ago and I still crack up every time I think of it.)

(We are presenting projects about Erikson’s stages in psych. In this project, we apply each stage to our own life and project into the future. The dialogue is from each student in their presentations.)

Student #1: “Part of my identity is that I plan never to have children.”

Student #2: “I also never want children.”

Student #3: “I want a lot of children, and I want to adopt, to give children who wouldn’t otherwise have a better chance at a happy life.”

Teacher: *quietly* “So, if you guys get knocked up, you know who to call.”

(The teacher immediately looked horrified and the class burst into laughter. Absolute chaos ensued for about two minutes, with the teacher insisting that we could not tell any of the school officials.)