(An older gentleman approaches me.)
Customer: “You have any sex books? Sex magazines?”
(Since we’re in a government-owned building, we’re cautious in our merchandise selection.)
Me: “No.”
Customer: *looks a trifle disappointed, then asks* “How about Bibles?”
Me: “Oh, sure, we’ve got a whole ‘Bible studies’ section.”
(I showed him where that was; alas, he didn’t buy anything.)
(When scammers call, we like to scam them right back. I answer a call with a very breathy, “Hello.” The guy starts his spiel.)
Me: *interrupting with a very sexy-sounding* “What are you wearing?”
(He stutters, but continues his speech.)
Me: “I’m picturing you in fishnet stockings and stilettos.”
Scammer: “WHAT?!” *silence for a moment, then* “Guys! You have to hear this!”
(I hung up before he could hear my laughter.)
(My family is watching a movie. My teenage sister steps out for a while.)
Sister: “What did I miss?”
Mom: “[Character] was killed in battle, and [Brad Pitt’s character] went nuts. He stripped off his uniform, charged the enemy lines, and came back with a bunch of German scalps.”
Sister: *pause* “Brad Pitt was naked?”
(We are all talking before the start of class when the following exchange occurs.)
Classmate #1: “Here’s a good one. ‘So, a man comes into a bar—’ Wait; it was a horse. Let me start over. ‘So, a man comes into a horse…’”
(Entire class groans while the professor gives him a look.)
Classmate #2: “You know, that’s actually legal in some states.”
Professor: *long pause* “Get out.”
(I work in a cell phone kiosk. A customer comes in to reset his email password. He is an older gentleman and has mentioned in passing that he is married.)
Customer: *almost whispering* “So, those pop up ads with the cute girls… Those aren’t good, right?”
Me: “No, sir, they’re a scam.”
Customer: “Well, my friend said they were trying to steal from me.”
Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”
Customer: “Well, I just wanted to be sure. Are you sure I shouldn’t click on those pop-ups?”
Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”
Customer: “How do I see the p*rn in my email?”
Me: “…”
