18 And Blunder, Part 3

, , , | Right | June 27, 2014

(I work in a satellite call center and help customers with billing as well as tech support. A customer calls in upset about her last bill.)

Customer: “My bill is only supposed to be $67.99 a month and this month it was over $700!! I had to come home early to have time to call you about this. What are you people trying to pull on me!?”

Me: “I will be more than happy to look at this for you as I can definitely see why this would make you upset.

(I can immediately see the issue: two to three adult pay-per-view movies at $17.99 each have been ordered several times a day for the last two weeks.)

Me: Looking at the bill, I think I see exactly where the problem is. Do you or your husband watch any… um… mature-themed movies?”

Customer: “What?! I don’t watch that smut and besides, it’s just my son and I who live here! I don’t like what you’re insinuating! I demand you remove these charges!!”

Me: *catching on almost immediately as I have two older sons myself* “Ahh, I think I might see the problem, ma’am. Let me ask you this if I may… How old is your son?”

Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s 13.”

Me: “Uh huh. And if I might ask, what time does he get out of school?”

Customer: “He gets out of school at about two, and then gets rights to studying in his room. He’s going to go to college when he’s older. He’s absolutely brilliant. He studies all day long in there.”

Me: “Right. Well, the reason I ask is because I can see the time these movies are ordered AND the receiver that they are ordered on. Ma’am, it looks like ALL of them are ordered on the receiver in one of the bedrooms, and ALL between the times of around 2:15 pm and about 4:30 pm. About what time do you normally get home from work, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Customer: *getting livid about now* “Now look here, missy! I don’t like the idea that you think my son is watching that smut on TV and I most certainly don’t like the idea that you think that I would tolerate that in a Christian house like mine. I demand that you both remove this… this… filth from my bill and apologize to me for even thinking that my boy would even know what some of this… this… stuff even is!!”

(As she’s ranting on about her beautiful, pure, Christian son I see yet another expensive adult PPV being ordered so I interrupt her tirade.)

Me: “Ma’am! I don’t want to be rude, but is your son home right now?”

Customer: “Yes, he is!”

Me: “Good! Because, I see another of these movies is being ordered right now. So do this: just go in and tell me what you see, and if it’s not p*rn, I’ll be more than happy to remove every one of these charges.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll show you that my son is a good boy and—” *I hear a door open*

Son: “MOM!” *call drops*

(I laughed my a** off for five minutes. And no, I didn’t credit even one PPV charge.)

 

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Ah, Grandmothers, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2013

(My aunt works at a popular doughnut shop chain near my grandmother’s house. One evening, my older sister and her boyfriend, my little brother, and I decide to head there after an afternoon at a fair, while waiting for my mom to pick us up. A short while afterward, a couple of tough-guy type young men walk in, making rude comments, being loud, and generally making a nuisance of themselves. The leader of the group approaches the counter where my aunt is working.)

Customer #1: “Yo, b****, gimme your number.”

Aunt: “I don’t think so. Is there anything you’d like to order?”

Customer #1: “How ’bout a piece of that a**?”

Aunt: “Sorry, not on the menu. Now order something or please leave.You’re holding up the line.”

Customer #2: “B****, we’ll leave when we wanna leave.”

Customer #3: “Yeah, who’s gonna stop us, little old you?”

Aunt: “No, little old [Manager]. Now, please, place your order or get out.”

(The customer orders two cases of donuts, and throws his money to the ground.)

Customer #1: “See what you did? Pick it up and hand it back to me!”

Aunt: “Um, it’s on your side of the counter.”

(The customer picks up his money and walks over behind the counter and throws it down again.)

Customer #1: “Now pick it up, b****!”

Aunt: “No. As a matter of fact, leave. I’m refusing service.”

Customer #1: “Why, because I’m black?!”

Aunt: “No, because you’re acting like an imperious a**hole, and you have been since you walked in. Now leave, or I’m calling the police.”

(As luck would have it, a police officer stops inside the shop.)

Me: “Wow, that was fast.”

Customer #1: “Officer, this racist b**** was trying to kick me and my homies out. We ain’t even done nothin’!”

Officer: “Really? Because what I saw was you throwing your money at this woman twice, in addition to walking behind the counter, which isn’t allowed for non-employees.”

(The customer and his buddies start throwing a fit, yelling expletives, flipping everybody off, and generally acting unruly. Then they head outside and start throwing boxes around; the leader even takes off his shirt and tries goading everyone into a fight.)

Customer #1: “COME ON, I’LL SHOW Y’ALL! I’LL BEAT Y’ALLS A**ES SO HARD! COME ON!”

(He has another argument with the officer, but thankfully leaves with his buddies. However, he comes back a few minutes later accompanied not by his friends, but his grandmother.)

Customer #1’s Grandmother: “So I understand y’all have a problem servin’ my grandbaby?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah, they were callin’ me all kinds of s***, and the girl over there was saying we were on food stamps!”

Customer’s Grandmother: “…[Customer #1], stand outside and wait while I talk to the lady here.”

(The customer steps outside and my aunt explains everything that happened. After hearing it, the grandmother is incensed and walks outside.)

Customer #1’s Grandmother: “YOU LITTLE PUNK-A**! GET YO’ A** IN THE CAR NOW! You dragged me outta my home for THIS?!”

(As they drive off, my mom finally pulls in.)

Mom: “So, what’d I miss?”

 

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School Sculpts Strong Minds

, , , , | Learning | August 20, 2013

(My English teacher loves ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Star Wars’. Our class is made up by six people, with only two guys. Our teacher is talking about Macbeth being a tragic hero, and putting other characters forward to compare.)

Teacher: “Like Darth Vader, he was a tragic hero by the key concepts—”

(The teacher spots [Classmate #1] fiddling with his hat in a suggestive position.)

Teacher: “—what in the blazes are you doing?”

Classmate #1: *wide-eyed, before waving hand like a Jedi* “You see nothing. You shall continue teaching the class.”

Classmate #2: *waves hand at [Classmate #1]* “You shall admit that you were masturbating to [Teacher].”

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Grandma Is Playing The Waiting Game

, , | Related | June 3, 2013

(I am visiting my grandma. Her friends decide to take us out a popular seafood place, and end up with a really cute waiter.)

Waiter: “And what would you like, ma’am?”

Grandma: “Give me the lobster! And make sure it’s super-hot, like you!”

Me: “Grandma!”

Waiter: *blushes* “Y-yes, ma’am.”

(The waiter scurries off, and my grandma’s friends all laugh among themselves.)

Friend #1: “His face was so red! You might get him on the plate instead of the lobster!”

(Later, our waiter brings us our food.)

Waiter: “Ma’am, would you like a bib for your lobster?”

Grandma: “Ooh, yes, please! Apply the protection for me!”

Me: “GRANDMA!”

(All her friends were laughing hysterically. The waiter avoided us for the rest of the night!)

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And Drums For A Comedic Rimshot

, , | Learning | May 19, 2013

(We’re being taught guitar in my first-year music class. During the class, one of the strings breaks on my guitar. I am going to get another guitar from the store cupboard.)

Teacher: *shouting* “Oh, you’ve left your G string behind!”

Me: “Aren’t guitarists used to finding those lying around stage?”

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