(My gay housemate needs new pants, so we’ve gone to a clothing store to get some for him.)
Housemate: *wearing the tightest pants I’ve ever seen* “How do these look?”
Me: “Why don’t you get them in rainbow and advertise it to everyone?”
Housemate: *pause* “I might get the next size up.”
Lady At The Desk: *waits until my housemate’s out of view and high-fives me*
(This takes place years ago, in college. I am renting a three-bedroom apartment with two other guys. My best friend and I are sharing the master bedroom, so we can rent the last bedroom to a fourth guy to save money. One of the numerous people who rents that room is a very good-looking guy that studies law, has everything paid by his parents, and obviously doesn’t have to work. All his free time is spent going to bars and pubs and bringing back women. When he does this, he always makes a show of presenting us by name and making us shake hands with his flavor of the week [if not day], and then he simply slips off to his bedroom that is, fortunately, very well sound-isolated. While we’re washing the dishes:)
Friend: “You know, I used to love Fridays, but now I know I’ll have to meet yet another ephemeral woman that will steal my coffee tomorrow morning.”
Me: “I’m wondering if he’s trying to rub it in our face, even though I don’t care.”
Friend: “What? You don’t care?”
Me: “Honestly, if I was good-looking, rich like he is, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would probably do the same. No, what gets to me is the fact he’s NEVER brought back the same woman twice, AND he always has to present that person to us as if he’s looking for an everlasting bond going forward.”
Friend: “That’s what I’m saying! Look, he’s been here, what… a month, maybe five weeks? And he’s already at the eighth woman.”
Me: “Oh, I hadn’t counted. Mmhh, so tonight would be the ninth?
Friend: “Yes.”
Me: “…I think I’ll just stay in front of the computer tonight and play games.”
Friend: “Good frigging idea. I’ll just sit in bed to read a book instead of being in the living room. I don’t want to see him tonight.”
(The subject dies and I start playing my video game on our PC in our bedroom. The game is online, competitive, and intense, and requires pretty much all of my concentration. The guy in question enters the apartment. Unfortunately, the bedroom door is ajar and the front door is in line with our door on my left. My roommate is reading on the bed behind me, away from view. The guy heads toward me with a girl in tow, but I haven’t even noticed they are here because I have headphones on.)
Guy: “Hey, [My Name], I want you to meet [Girl]. She’s—”
Me: *playing and totally in the zone* “Yeah, yeah… Hi, Number Nine.” *halfheartedly waves left hand to them, barely even looking*
(A moment ticks, then my head jerks up upon realizing what I just said and did. I turn my head slowly to the left to meet their gaze, mouth agape trying but failing to find something to say. She has a perplexed look on her face, but he lunges angrily to close our bedroom door while staring me dead in the eyes.)
Friend: *trying not to laugh* “…‘Hi, Number Nine?’”
Me: “I was… He… It came out on its own. I didn’t… I would never…”
Friend: *laughs loudly enough for the whole building to hear*
(I put some clothes on and fled the apartment to my girlfriend’s to avoid him at all costs. The guy told us he would be looking for another place during the weekend, and left the place at the end of that month. I don’t think I would have been able to come up with an objection even if I wanted to.)
(One of my housemates has had to leave his car at the shop for repairs. The next day on my way to run errands I find him in the kitchen, slumped over our breakfast table.)
Housemate: “Hey, can you go grab me some coffee, if you’re going out? I’m getting withdrawal symptoms, bad!”
Me: “Uh, I fear I’m going in the opposite direction from the coffee place.”
Housemate: “Well, can you make a detour first? Just drive to the coffee place, grab me my usual order, and come back here?”
Me: “May I ask why you can’t go to the coffee place, seeing as it’s just down the road?”
Housemate: “I don’t have my car! How am I supposed to get there?”
Me: “Uh, by walking?”
(My housemate looks as if this is a major revelation.)
Me: “It’s literally two minutes to get there and back on foot. I’ve done it multiple times!”
Housemate: “F***! I never thought of that!”
(I returned later to see him sipping a huge cup of coffee. He was still amazed that he was able to acquire it without the use of his car.)
(I study until the early morning when I have an approaching deadline for homework assignments. My roommate knows this, and has been okay with my late night studies in the past, since I do it in the study lounge. Usually when I come back into the room, I am as quiet as I can be when opening up our door, but it is a loud door. On one occasion, I come back from studying, and I place my keys in my pocket quietly before quickly opening and shutting the door as quickly and quietly as possible. My roommate stirs in her sleep, so I wait for half a minute before taking off my twenty-pound backpack, so I won’t wake her.)
Roommate: “Hey. Why did you open the door as loudly as possible?”
Me: *too tired to argue* “I didn’t think I did.”
Roommate: “Whatever.”
(I totally understand that she needs sleep, and my coming in early in the morning doesn’t help. However, she has woken me up in the past plenty of times before, and I never mention anything. I just go back to sleep. The funny part of this story is that she purposely made a lot of noise in the morning, hoping that I would wake up. She even didn’t leave for class as early as she usually does, which I’m guessing is because she was hoping that I would get out of bed so that she could yell at me. Joke’s on her; I feigned sleep.)
(A former friend and roommate of mine has weird logic. She lies about events that took place, and completely alters what actually happened. This is what happens one of the last times I speak with her. We aren’t living with each other anymore when this takes place:)
Friend: *beaming with excitement* “[Boyfriend] and I are going to be living with each other this year.”
Me: “Awesome! Makes sense, since he practically moved in with us last year when you started dating.”
Friend: “Yeah, and we found a place super close to where you live. We’re going to be almost neighbours.”
Me: “Awesome! Where?”
Friend: “This fixer upper on [Street]. The rent in that area can go up to $500 a month, but we only have to pay $300 a month since they are undergoing renovations.”
Me: “That’s a bargain! Do you two have the place to yourself?”
Friend: “No, we will have to share it with three other roommates. However, we have the basement area, so we kind of have our own place.”
(This is when I start to get somewhat suspicious, because the houses on the street she listed usually only house up to four people. I’ve lived in that area, and landlords are very strict about that.)
Me: “So, there are going to be five of you under one roof?”
Friend: “Yup. It might be a bit cramped, but we all work and have school, so I don’t think it’ll be too big a deal.”
Me: “That’s cool that you found a place that was willing to have more than four people. I guess they want all the money they can get for the renovation, and $600 is better than none.”
Friend: “Oh, no; it’s $300.”
Me: “Oh, I meant your rent combined with [Boyfriend]’s.”
Friend: “Oh, no. We’re only paying $300 for both of us.”
Me: “Woah, really? How did you manage that?”
Friend: “Well… Here is the thing. Technically, the landlords only know that I’m living there. I went through everything to secure the room, so the lease is in my name only. [Boyfriend] and I are going to split the rent they gave to me, and he and I get to live somewhere at an amazing discount.”
(She says this whole story with such glee, as if it is the best plan ever. I can only look at her in shock.)
Me: “Um, do your other roommates know about it?”
Friend: “No, I haven’t met them yet. Why?”
Me: “How do you know they will be okay with that?”
Friend: “Oh, we’re not going to tell them. [Boyfriend] works and goes to school. So, when he’s gone they’ll think he’s at his place and won’t know any better. They’ll just think he sleeps over a lot.”
Me: “Not to be a Pessimistic Penny, but are you sure it’ll work out so well? I mean, you could get evicted.”
Friend: “Oh, it’ll be fine; don’t worry. People do it all the time here and never get in trouble. As long as we lay low and follow the other rules, like no smoking and no pets, the landlords will have no reason to suspect us.”
(I wanted to prod more, but just eventually gave up and tried to hope for the best for them. A month and a half after they moved in, my friend called me and told me to come over because she had a surprise. What was the surprise? The new puppy they bought. Unsurprisingly, they ended up moving out half way through the year, claiming that the landlord lied about the extent of the renovation and that the house was impossible to live in. Pretty sure they were kicked out.)
