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Pot Calling The Kettle Black, Noisily

, , , , | Healthy | January 29, 2018

I have to have emergency surgery. After some time in the recovery ward, I am wheeled into a double-occupancy room, but there’s no one in the other bed. I wake up a little later to find the curtains between the beds drawn, and correctly assume I now have a roommate. I hear her whimpering often, but I think nothing of it, because I’m whimpering, too.

We are both checked hourly, but we have different nurses, so basically there’s someone coming in every half hour or so. Whenever my obs are being done, I can hear her huffing and sighing, the way people do when they’re trying to sleep but someone’s making too much noise. I feel a bit guilty, but what can I do about it?

During the night, I hear her groaning whenever she tries to move. I’m doing the same, so I am quite shocked when she rather curtly says, “Can you keep it down, please? You’re always moaning and groaning! I am trying to sleep here!”

I say nothing. I’m in too much pain and too drugged up to attempt a comeback or an argument.

Later that morning, I’m woken up by loud voices and ear-piercing squeals. My roommate’s family are visiting. She has two small children who are yelling and squealing and fighting with each other. They zoom around the room, pulling the curtains between our beds back and forth, playing in the wheelchairs, and often bumping into my bed, causing excruciating pain. Her husband is loud and gregarious, and neither of them make even the slightest effort to control their kids.

I’m overwhelmed and hurting and I start to cry. The nurse comes in to do my obs, takes one look at the scene, and barks at the father and kids to keep it down, that they’re in a hospital, and that there are a lot of sick people who are trying to rest. She then manipulates me into a wheelchair and says that now would be a good time to take me for a shower, to get away from the noise. As I’m being wheeled out, I hear my roommate say to her husband, “God, she can talk! She’s kept me up all night whining and carrying on!”

Ignorance Charging Full-Steam Ahead

, , , , , | Friendly | January 16, 2018

Me: “Ugh, I hate this teakettle. The way the handle is shaped, I’m always afraid I’ll get burned by the steam.”

Roommate: “Burned by the what?”

Me: “The steam from the spout.”

Roommate: “Steam can’t burn you; it’s air.”

Me: “Steam can totally burn you; it’s from boiling water.”

Roommate: “No, it can’t. Watch!”

(She then stuck her whole face into the stream of steam coming from the kettle. And that’s how we ended up going to a clinic to receive treatment for burns on her eyelids.)

Long Distance Is So Easy I Can Do It In My Sleep

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 31, 2017

(At this time my boyfriend and I are long-distance, and both in school. He’s commuting an hour and back to school every day. We video call before going to bed. I share a bedroom, and my roommate lets me know when she’s getting ready for bed so I can end the conversation or move to the living room.)

Roommate: *coming into bedroom* “When are you guys planning to go to sleep?”

Me: “I don’t know. Sweetie, when are you going to sleep?”

Boyfriend: *sounding quite drowsy* “As often as possible.”

Roommate: *cracking up* “That means now.”

They’re Already A Sore Loser

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 29, 2017

(This occurs when I am in college. I enter my dorm and I am walking to my room when I pass one of my housemates. Note that I am wearing a t-shirt with the sentence, “How about a nice game of chess?” on it, a reference to the movie “WarGames.”)

Housemate: “Hey, I didn’t know you played chess!”

Me: “What?” *looks down at my shirt* “Oh, no. It’s a movie reference. You ever seen WarGames?”

Housemate: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Well, uh, okay. See ya.”

Housemate: “So, do you want to play chess with me?”

Me: “Nah, I don’t play chess. I’m terrible at it.”

Housemate: *suddenly becomes hostile* “Well, you know, you really shouldn’t be wearing that shirt if you don’t play chess! You’re giving people the wrong idea about you!” *walks into his room and slams the door*

Me: *weakly* “It’s… a movie reference?”

Stereotyping Has Put You In A Tight Spot

, , , , , | Friendly | December 26, 2017

(My gay housemate needs new pants, so we’ve gone to a clothing store to get some for him.)

Housemate: *wearing the tightest pants I’ve ever seen* “How do these look?”

Me: “Why don’t you get them in rainbow and advertise it to everyone?”

Housemate: *pause* “I might get the next size up.”

Lady At The Desk: *waits until my housemate’s out of view and high-fives me*