(My university roommate and I are shopping for food. Like many students, we’re on a budget, but it’s not like we can’t afford food; we just have to be careful.)

Roommate: “Oh, hey, bologna is on sale!”

Me: “We both hate bologna. The ham is only $.25 more; let’s get that.”

Roommate: “But it’s on sale!”

Me: “But we both hate it! The last time you bought home bologna because ‘it was on sale’ it ended up going bad because neither of us would eat it! It’ll just get wasted.”

Roommate: “But it’s the cheapest!”

Me: *facepalm*

(My first roommate out of college is a coworker who is a heavy smoker. One Sunday morning, I awaken with a cold. I stay in bed as long as possible, but I finally venture out to the living room. He is lounging on our couch, waiting for the pro football games to begin, smoking a cigarette.)

Me: *hacking and coughing*

Roommate: *taking a long draw on his cigarette* “Y’know, you really should stop that second-hand smoking.”

(I live in a house, up until recently, with only one other housemate, [Housemate #1]. Then, a new housemate moves in, and she seems a little stiff and awkward, but we’re never all up in each other’s business so that’s fine. Then, this happens.)

Housemate #1: *comes out of her room wearing a tartan skirt as part of her outfit* “Hey, I’m headed out for the day–“

Housemate #2: “What is that?!“

Housemate #1: “Huh? Oh, my skirt! It’s a Scottish kilt.”

Housemate #2: “I know, and I think it’s horrible! Don’t you know you shouldn’t wear clothing from other cultures?!”

(We’re both stunned for a minute as she rants on about cultural appropriation. Then, [Housemate #1] steps forward into her space and speaks loudly over her.)

Housemate #1: “Hi! Somehow you seem to have missed my surname when we were being introduced. I’m [First Name] [Extremely Well-Known Scottish Surname]. I grew up here so I don’t have much of an accent, but I’m still f****** Scottish, and I can wear a f****** kilt if I want to!”

([Housemate #2] gaped for a moment, and then scurried off in a red-faced fluster. We’ll see if she lasts.)

(While living in the dorms, this one guy shows up to my room with an electric stun gun he bought. My roommate immediately begins playing with it, zapping every inanimate object in the room. Five minutes later:)

Roommate: “Yeeeeaaargh!”

Me: “Okay, who saw that coming?”

(I’m cleaning up after a cat incident, letting out harsh, barking coughs every few seconds. After a few minutes of this, my housemate sticks her head out her door in concern.)

Housemate: “You okay? What happened?”

Me: “[Cat] caught a bird. It wasn’t hurt, so I let it go outside, but it lost a lot of feathers.”

Housemate: “Aren’t you allergic to feathers?”

Me: “EXTREMELY.”