You Can’t En-jury Any More

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2019

(My mother-in-law has popped by for a visit and to drop off some things. I’m not in the best mood and she notices.)

Mother-In-Law: “Is [My Name] okay? She’s usually much more bubbly and talkative.”

Wife: “It’s… been a rough few weeks.”

Mother-In-Law: “Yeah, the holidays can be rough. At least they’re over now.”

(My wife and I share a look.)

Me: “Not just the holidays, though those were a huge part of it. We had to kick [Ex-Roommate] out over the weekend. They had money problems earlier in the year but they were keeping the house clean, so it was fine for a while, but then they stopped doing that, too.”

Wife: “And they for some reason really had a problem with [My Name] but every time we tried to talk to them about it, they just got hostile and angry. We even have screenshots to prove it.”

(Reads a few messages off.)

Mother-In-Law: “Geez, I’d be in a bad mood after all that, too.”

Me: “Oh, there’s more.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, no.”

Wife: “Apparently some important health insurance forms never got mailed to us, so [My Name] doesn’t have health insurance for a few weeks while that gets sorted, so we can’t refill her meds. Or go to that specialist next week that we had to fight all year to finally get a referral for.”

Me: “And we were so broke over the holidays we could only afford to give each other a single gift this year, and nothing for anyone else, which my family got mad about. I managed to find two nice things on clearance for [Wife] that were under budget together, but one of them was defective and the other package was stolen off the porch. Since they were both clearance items, no returns, refunds, or exchanges.”

Wife: “And one of the problems we had with [Ex-Roommate] is that [My Name] made them a hat for their birthday and when she gave it to them, [Ex-Roommate]’s response was ‘where would I ever go to wear this?!’ and left it when they moved out. [Ex-Roommate] is also going around telling their friends that we’re horrible people for kicking them out right after their birthday, even though we let them live here for free for three months.”

Mother-In-Law: “I thought [Ex-Roommate] had a second job now?”

Wife: “Yeah, that’s why we got firm about rent. We told them they had to start paying us rent again since they could afford it now and the next day they showed up with a truck and hauled their stuff to their parents’ place. On top of all that, you know about the issues I’m having with my work managers, so I’m looking for another job but nothing is hiring. All this has happened within the last week-and-a-half, so neither of us are in the best of moods right now.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, YEAH, you guys have had a h*** of a time. I wouldn’t be in a good mood either after all that. Geez, what else could happen?”

Me: *thin smile* “Yesterday I got summoned for Jury Duty.”

(My mother-in-law must have sensed I was at my wit’s end because she canceled her plans so she could take us out to dinner instead. Much to my embarrassment, her offer made me burst into tears and we had to wait for me to calm down to go. I’m so glad the holidays are over!)

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They’re Sockingly Forgetful

, , , , , | Friendly | February 18, 2018

(My flatmate and I spend the winter holidays with our respective families, and post gifts to one another for Christmas. I receive a pair of socks as part of my gift, and bring them back to university with me. The first time I wear the socks, this conversation happens.)

Flatmate: “Oh, love your socks. Those are so cute!”

Me: *playing along* “Absolutely. Someone very clever and fashionable gave me them for Christmas!”

(The second time I wear the socks…)

Flatmate: “Seriously, I love those. What is that animal on them? Squirrels? They’re so nice!”

Me: “Yeah, thank you. They are great socks.”

(And again…)

Friend: “Those socks are still great. You have good taste!”

Me: “You do remember you gave me these for Christmas, right?”

Flatmate: “Wait… I did?!”

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One Giant Leap For Stupidity

, , , , | Friendly | August 24, 2017

(I’ve been invited to the home of a friend to hang out with him and his male cousin, who’s visiting from out of town. When I go to leave, I find a note stuck to one of my boots. It reads, “LOL dude you got some tiny-a** feet!” Baffled, since my feet are basically average-sized for a woman, I stick the note in my coat pocket and head out. The next time I come over, I’m let into the house by my friend’s roommate, who sees me start unlacing my boots and turns bright red.)

Roommate: “Oh, those are YOUR shoes!”

Me: “Uh, yeah…? Hey, did you write this note last time?”

Roommate: “I thought they were [Cousin’s].”

Me: “Wait… you actually went to the effort of leaving a note mocking a total stranger because you thought he had small feet?”

Roommate: “I just thought it would be funny. It’s a guy thing!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure it’s a you thing…”

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Wish You Could “Go-Back” On Your Roommate Choice

, , , , | Friendly | June 30, 2017

(Both my roommate and I have worked retail for years. We are at a big box store shopping for a few things. We’ve been talking about terrible customers the whole trip.)

Roommate: “Oh. Wait. Why did I grab all of these lip balms? I don’t need more lip balm.”

(She then proceeds to cram the six or so lip balms onto a shelf with some mugs, since we are in the dishware section.)

Me: *aghast* “[Roommate], what are you doing!?”

Roommate: “I don’t remember where they’re supposed to go. Someone will put them back later.”

Me: “Are you KIDDING?! You are doing exactly what our terrible customers do! You need to put those back where they belong or take them up front with you!”

Roommate: *flippantly* “Don’t be silly. I’m not being mean about it. It’s their job to clean this stuff up.”

(I grabbed the lip balms and put them into my bag. When we checked out, I asked the cashier to place them among their “go-backs,” which are a pile of unwanted or returned items they keep up front that employees work through putting back as the day goes on. On the ride home, my roommate makes fun of me for “being a weirdo” and “giving that cashier more work to do.” She simply didn’t understand why I was so shocked. We didn’t remain friends after I moved out.)

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Needs A Roommate Rebate

, , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am meeting up with a friend before a lecture. She is on the phone with someone when I arrive, so stand a little away to not eavesdrop. She has another friend with her who notices me.)

Other Friend: “Excuse me, who are you?”

Me: “I’m [My Name]. I’m just waiting for [Friend].”

Other Friend: “Like she is even interested! She has a boyfriend.”

Me: “I know. I have one, too.”

Other Friend: “One what?”

Me: “Boyfriend.”

(She sneers at me and leans back before turning away. She takes Friend’s phone and whispers something before handing it back and walking away. Friend looks confused, but finishes her call and comes over.)

Friend: “So, what was up with [Other Friend]? She said she had to go, but she has a lecture in the next theater.”

Me: “No idea. All I said was I had a boyfriend.”

Friend: “Oh, that would do it. She’s a homophobe.”

Me: “And you’re friends with her?”

Friend: “We share a room. It’s hard to completely ignore someone when they’re f****** their boyfriend while at the same time telling you that you deserve human rights because ‘The Penis’ has oppressed us for too long. After that you just have to deal with it as best you can.”

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