Press The Button, Wait For The Comeback  

, , , , , , | | Friendly | July 3, 2019

(This happens inside an upscale supermarket attached to an assisted care facility. I am waiting for the elevator on my way to the coffee shop on the second floor.)

Old Woman: “You don’t live here, do you?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Old Woman: “The stairs are right over there.”

Me: “So I noticed.”

Old Woman: “So, why aren’t you taking them?”

Me: “Because I don’t feel like it.”

Old Woman: “These elevators are for the people who really need them!”

Me: “I’m awaiting hip-replacement surgery. Is that needy enough for you? By the way, are these your elevators?”

Old Woman: “Well, no…”

Me: “GOOD!” 

(I get on the elevator, push the button, and say, as the doors are closing…)

Me: “This one is mine! Yours will be along in a second. Bye!”

Too Much Sunshine Leaves You In A State

, , , , | Right | April 12, 2019

(My wife participates in a mom-and-child fitness program that incorporates the stroller and nursery songs and games for the kids to get them involved in fitness. They don’t have a storefront, but instead, classes meet at malls, parks, and shopping centers around town. Since they’re a business dealing with small children, they are very strict on passersby taking pictures. During warm-ups one day, a woman in a heavily-bedazzled denim jacket and matching jeans shows up and starts taking photos.)

Instructor: “Ma’am, please don’t take photos of us. We are a franchise and do not allow it.”

Denim Clad Woman: “Oh, it’s okay. I’m from Florida.”

(She promptly walked off, leaving everyone in the circle scratching their heads in between squats.)

Face/Off: The Toddler Edition

, , , , , | Related | November 30, 2018

(I’m driving my three-year-old daughter home after preschool. She’s very quiet and shy, especially around other kids.)

Me: “So, did anything interesting happen at school today?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “What happened?”

Daughter: “[Other Kid] pushed me.”

Me: “[Other Kid] pushed you?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Where?”

Daughter: “In the wood chips.”

Me: “[Other Kid] pushed you in the wood chips?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you fall down?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Are you all right?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you tell a teacher?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Was it Ms. [Teacher]?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Did she do anything about it?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “What did she do?”

Daughter: *suddenly loud and gleeful* “She grabbed [Other Kid] and taked his face off!

(I have no idea what actually happened. My best guess is that my three-year-old was describing her fantasy vengeance instead of what the teacher really did. And the next time I saw [Other Kid], he still had a face.)

A Signature Move From An Incompetent Person

, , , , , | Working | September 16, 2018

(The Vice President of our company has authorized me to send some biological samples to a microscopy lab, but she has apparently forgotten that she gave permission. This particular Vice President is one of those people who can never, ever be wrong.)

Vice President: *yelling* “You sent the samples to [other lab]? You can’t just do that! You’re never allowed to bring these samples offsite without my permission!”

Me: “But you gave me your permission.”

Vice President: “No, I didn’t! I never would have agreed to that! We have procedures here, and apparently you don’t feel like following them!”

(I walk out of her office and straight to my desk, where I pick up the Request Form that she signed the previous day to authorize me to bring the samples to [other lab]. I return to her office and place the form on her desk, assuming that I’m playing the trump card by showing her, indisputably, that she approved this transfer of samples. She’s quiet for a few moments while she stares at the Request Form, and I think I’ve won. But then:)

Vice President: *yelling again* “That’s not my signature!”

(And that’s why, at the company where I work, even getting everything in writing is insufficient.)

Should Double-Check The CEO’s Resume

, , , , , | | Working | May 27, 2018

(We’re hiring a new research associate for the lab, and I’m in charge of vetting resumes to choose our new hire. After a few weeks, we interview someone we like, and we hire him. Shortly afterwards, I notice we’re still receiving resumes, so I talk to our HR consultant.)

Me: “Hey, I noticed we’re still receiving applications for the research associate position. I checked, and it looks like the job is still listed on [Job Website].”

HR: “Yes, it’s still there.”

Me: “But… shouldn’t we take it down? People are applying, thinking the position is still open.”

HR: “Well, we paid to have the ad posted for 30 days, so we’re going to leave it posted for 30 days.”

Me: “Isn’t that misleading?”

HR: “Sorry. It’s what [CEO] wants.”

(This was her answer to almost everything. Even worse, it was usually accurate.)