Maybe He Ran Out Of Balloons?

, , , , , | Right | June 7, 2019

(I work in a convenience store. It’s a slow evening and I’m wiping down the soda fountain counter when a man who appears to be in his early 20s walks in. I greet him and then go to stand behind the register. He looks around and then approaches the counter.)

Customer: *mutters*

Me: “What was that? I didn’t catch it. You’ll have to speak up.”

(The customer looks around again, and then leans over the counter and gestures for me to move closer to him. I shake my head because I’ve never seen this guy in my life and don’t know what his intentions are.)

Customer: *cups his hands around his mouth, whispers* “Do you guys sell condoms?”

Me: *normal tone of voice* “Yeah, we sell condoms.” *points* “They’re over there.”

Customer: “Shh! Don’t point to them!”

(He hurries over to the small display, then grabs a box of them and tosses them onto the counter. I ring him out and he quickly hides the box in his pocket, takes his change, and hurries out of the store, glancing around as he does. My coworker, who stopped sweeping the sidewalk to watch the customer, comes back inside.)

Coworker: “You okay? That guy seemed a bit weird.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I’m fine. He was just super embarrassed about asking for a box of condoms.”

Coworker: *snorts* “In my opinion, if you’re so embarrassed about buying something to use for sex, you shouldn’t be having sex.”

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Threading In Some Lies

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 4, 2018

(My mother and I go to the garage sale of an old family friend who often goes to storage unit auctions. While browsing, I find a gallon zipper bag that is stuffed full of tangled-up embroidery floss with a 50-cent price sticker on it, so I snag it. I find a few other odds and ends that I like and start towards the register with it when another woman suddenly snatches the bag of embroidery floss from me and hurries to the check-out table with it.)

Woman: *to [Friend’s Husband] in a syrupy sweet voice* “I’d like to offer you 25 cents for this bag of embroidery thread. It’s going to take me a very long time to untangle this mess before I can use it.”

Friend’s Husband: *takes the bag and puts it behind the register* “Ma’am, I saw you take this from [My Name]’s hand. She had it first, so she gets to buy it.”

Woman: *huffs loudly then screeches* “She probably doesn’t even know what to do with it! I want it, so sell it to me!”

(At this point, everyone else at the sale is staring at her like she’s grown another head and [Friend] walks over to see what’s going on.)

Friend: *sweetly* “Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem here?”

Woman: *points at me* “This girl wants the bag of embroidery thread, but I had it first, and I want it for 25 cents.”

Friend’s Husband: *shakes head* “Nah, honey. [My Name] had it, and this old bat took it from her hand before she could get up here.”

Friend: *nods* “I see.” *smiles brightly* “In that case, [My Name] can have it for free, since we’ve wasted her time arguing with this woman.” *makes a shooing motion at the woman* “Leave. Now.”

(The woman sputters a bit then tries to argue, but [Friend’s Husband] interrupts her.)

Friend’s Husband: “Get off of my property right now, or I’m calling the police to get your dumb a** off it.”

(The woman throws down the other items she’s been holding, then stomps off to her car and speeds off.)

Me: *blinks* “Okay… erm… Well, I’d like to pay for my stuff here, and that embroidery floss, please. I think I’ve got like $5 worth of stuff.”

Friend’s Husband: “Nah, honey-child, we’re giving you the bag of thread, and a discount besides, because that woman was awful. Your total is $2.”

Friend: *mutters something* “And that’s why I hate when tourists stop at my sales.”

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Got The Avengers Nailed

, , , | Related | October 26, 2012

(I’m sitting at our computer desk with ten bottles of nail polish in various colors and some artificial nails. I’m using a size 0 paint brush to decorate the nails.)

Sister: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Making these nails look awesome.”

(My sister picks up one of the nails I’ve finished.)

Sister: “Hey, this is Captain America’s shield!”

Me: “Yep, and this one is going to have the Avengers’ emblem on it.”

Sister: *noticing the other nails* “Mjolnir, the Tesseract, and this one looks like the pattern on a black widow’s back!”

Me: “I’ll be doing Hulk’s fist and Ironman’s mask next. Then I’ll have to look up references for Black Panther and Hawkeye’s emblems and decide which of the other Avengers to put on the final nail.”

Sister: “You’ve got to paint me a set of these too!”

Dad: *shaking his head* “You two are such geeks.”

Me: “Admit it. If you were a woman, you’d wear them, too.”

Dad: *opens his mouth to reply, but then stops*

Me: “I’ll take that as a yes.”

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