That Joke Fell B-Flat

, , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2017

(I’m currently taking a general physics course. We have begun learning about sound and we reach the end of class.)

Professor: “Any more questions? No? Okay, then let’s end the class on a high note.”

(We all groan.)

Me: “Boo!”

Classmate: “Seriously, Professor?”

Professor: “No good, huh? I guess I’ll just have to change my pitch.”

(Cue more groaning. I like my professor, but there is NEVER a good excuse for puns.)

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A Baker’s Dozen Reasons For Going Out Of Business

, , , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I drop in at a bakery with some friends.)

Us: “Hi, we’d like a dozen cookies.”

Cashier: “Orders of 12 or more have to wait 20 minutes for new cookies to bake.”

Us: “Well, how about 11?”

Cashier: “Still have to wait.”

Us: “10, 9?”

Cashier: “…”

(So, we waited, but the joke’s on the bakery, because none of us will be back. Turns out the cookies from across the street were better, anyway. What kind of bakery has a wait for a dozen cookies, bagels, cupcakes, etc?)

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Pure Precious Jealousy

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 5, 2017

(I met my husband when we both worked for a grocery store. We’ve only been dating a few months at this point, and I like to pick on him about things. A new cashier has just started, and he is around our age, but he seems young and nerdy. I think he’s cute in his awkwardness, like a child, and I mention it to my then-boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “How can you say that to me?”

Me: “What do you mean? Do you want me to lie?”

Boyfriend: “Well, no, but you don’t have to tell me, either!”

(Just then, a mother with her young son dressed in a Superman costume walks by. A coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “Did you see him? Wasn’t he just precious?”

Me: *eyes light up* “I know! He was so adorable!”

(My boyfriend glowers at me and turns a dark shade of red before I burst out laughing.)

Me: “We’re talking about the little boy in a costume! Did you not see him?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I didn’t. I thought you were talking about the other guy, still.”

(He finally saw how funny that was and chuckled about it. I still like to pick on him about the day he was jealous of a five-year-old.)

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Your Boss Can Be A Real Swine

, , , , , | Healthy | October 25, 2017

(I call in to my job as a certified nursing assistant at a nursing home. It is 2009.)

Me: “Hey, I can’t come in today because I have a fever of 104 and other flu symptoms.”

Nurse #1: “I can’t let you call in unless you come here and have a nurse take your temperature.”

Me: “What? I live 15 miles away. My fever is really high and I have really bad cold chills.”

Nurse #1: “You’ll probably get fired if you don’t come and let us take your temperature.”

(I drive the 15 miles to let them take my temperature. At this point, I’m almost hallucinating from the fever.)

Nurse #1: “Oh, your fever is 105 now.” *to other nurse* “Should she go home? We are kind of short today.”

Nurse #2: “I don’t know. She could probably work.”

(I then collapse onto the chair, barely hearing them in a fever haze.)

Nurse #1: “Well, maybe she should go home?”

Nurse #2: “I guess so.” *to me* “You can go home, I guess. But get a doctor’s note.”

(I then drove home, barely coherent. After going to the doctor I found out that I had SWINE FLU, or H1N1. And they wanted me to come to work, endangering both myself and the elderly residents! I quit a few months later.)

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Food Banked That Money Immediately

, , , , , , , | Hopeless | August 21, 2017

The store where I work is doing a promotion where one customer per day gets up to $100 dollars worth of free groceries. It’s a completely random process, and they aren’t doing a great job of advertising it, so most of the people who are getting free groceries have no idea that could happen.

Today is the first day that I have been the cashier for a winner. He’s a regular at my store, and always polite. So, he wins, and leaves. A few minutes later, though, he comes back with more groceries, and when I comment that he is back so soon he says that since he doesn’t have to spend that money on his family’s groceries, he is spending the same amount he would have spent on his family — for his church’s food bank. $80 worth of groceries.

I am personally grateful for his kindness and thoughtfulness, especially since sometimes my family has to go to the food bank.

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