Extra Salty Recipes

, , , , , | Right | July 13, 2020

The phone rings; I answer.

Me: “[Bookstore], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if you guys have a book in stock. It’s called Cooking With [Word I’m sure I heard wrong].”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

He does, and again, I am sure I’ve heard him wrong.

Me: “Could you please spell that last word?”

Customer: “S-E-M-E-N. I want to get it for my girlfriend for her birthday.”

I am confused and pretty sure this is a prank, but I still stay professional.

Me: “That’s not something we have in stock, but do you want me to see if I can order it for you?

Customer: *Surprised* “That would be great, thanks!”

I looked it up, and sure enough, it’s a real book but is only available digitally. I explained what information I found and he was super grateful. Apparently, we were the fifth bookstore he called, and I was the only person who didn’t hang up on him!

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Parenting Problems Are Licked

, , , , , , | Right | July 12, 2020

As part of the measures to protect employees and shoppers from a certain illness, our supermarket has decided to add to the cleaning; there’s a person that goes round continuously wiping down “touchpoints,” i.e., keypads, basket handles, and freezer door handles. There’s a rota for this for regular staff, and today’s my day.

I’m going down the frozen aisle, cleaning the freezers, when…

Customer: “NO! DON’T!”

I turn to see a very exasperated-looking mother holding her young child who has clearly just licked the freezer divider glass.

Customer: “For God’s sake! You’re gonna get sick by doing that! And make other people sick, too! Honestly! Next time, I’ll… I’ll… I don’t know! But I’ll do something!” 

She dragged her kid off whilst muttering. I liberally sprayed the glass that the child had just licked.

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Being Handsome Can Cover Many Offenses

, , , , | Related | July 4, 2020

My mom and I are watching a movie where some good-looking guy is crazy and is sniping off people in a tower while cackling. He gets up to use a bottle and pees in it madly with an insane grin.

Mom: “Ew… did he just pee in the bottle??”

Me: “Yeah.”

Mom: “Disgustang!

Me: “That’s what disgusts you?!”

Mom: “Well, the shooting people part is gross, too. But [Actor] is cute so…” *trails off, mumbling*

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An Ugly Side Of Society Has Been Unmasked

, , , , , , | Right | July 1, 2020

I’m a barista at a well-known coffee chain. There is a city ordinance to have a mask on when coming within six feet of any individual outside of your household, and businesses are allowed to require that people wear masks when entering the store. My shop happens to be the only one in our district allowing people inside the store rather than putting their coffee outside for them to pick up, so the whole mask thing has been a hassle. 

I’ve been screamed at for telling people they can’t come inside, but this interaction takes the cake. 

A regular comes in, who is an a**hole anyway, mind you, and I stop him before he takes more steps into the store.

Me: *Politely* “Sir, you are required to wear a mask if we are going to be serving you.” 

Customer: “What do you mean, I have to wear a mask? How dare you require me to wear a mask?!” 

Me: “Sir, it’s an ordinance from the city, as well as corporate policy. I can’t do anything about it besides follow both.”

Customer: “Well, what if I refuse to wear one?”

Me: “Then I have to refuse you service.” 

Customer: “F*** this, man! It’s all a hoax, anyway. You know that, right? Just a scare tactic for the election.” 

Me: “Sir, if you don’t calm down, I will be forced to ask you to leave.”

He turned around and left the store — out the wrong door — and went to our trash can that was positioned out front. He then reached inside and pulled out a disposable facemask that had clearly been used before and put it on his face before marching back into the store.

He’s come in nearly every day since with that same mask, and it’s taken every ounce of willpower not to gag every time I see him.

This story is part of our Anti-Masker roundup.

Read the next Anti-Masker roundup story!

Read the Anti-Masker roundup!

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Praise To The Lamb(ing Sheds)!

, , , , , , , | Related | June 30, 2020

I suppose I should start with a mild warning as this story, while funny, is also kind of gross. Welcome to my life.

Allow me to start with a little back story. My father’s wife appears to have done all of her research on how to be a Step-Mother in certain children’s books. I don’t mean she could be a little grumpy; I mean she got cease and desist letters from The Mouse.

On the Sunday evening in question, I had just gotten home and was trying my d***edest to get out of my boots, an effort hampered by the fact that, despite being fifteen, I had worked thirty-six hours in the lambing sheds that weekend and was so tired I had walked home, right past the motorcycle I had ridden to work.

As soon as she heard the front door, she started in on me through the door that separated the kitchen from the front hall, screeching at me that I hadn’t done my chores and I had better get caught up right now or no supper for me.

I said, “I’ve been at work all weekend; you know that. You insisted I take the job.”

As soon as I said the words, I knew it was a mistake, and sure enough, she ripped the door open and took a deep breath to engage in her favourite pastime: berating me for being a waste of skin and air.

Sadly for her — but not me — she took the deep breath after she opened the door.

After thirty-six hours in the sheds, I was covered in… I’m not going to be specific, but suffice to say that if it was liquid and could be found inside a sheep, I was wearing it. (I ended up having to throw all of my clothes out because even a boil wash couldn’t get the smell out.)

Her eyes bugged out, she went green, and she dived past me to throw up in the downstairs bathroom. I finished undressing, threw my clothes and boots out the front door, and went upstairs to scrub myself down with Swarfega: proper manly, gritty cleanser.

You’d think that would be an end to it, right? Wrong.

As I fell asleep — passed out — it was to the sound of her howling at my father because he wouldn’t let her wake me up to vacuum the downstairs and do the dishes.

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