Mistaking Kitty For Kujo

, , , | Right | May 25, 2009

(I work at an animal hospital which also helps adopt out strays. It’s a slow day, so I walk into the lobby cradling a kitten for anyone that is interested.)

Customer: “Is that your cat?”

Me: “No, this little guy is one of our strays. He needs a home.”

Customer: “Do you have any stray dogs?”

Me: “Yes, we have a couple of dogs that are available for adoption. However, we have more cats and they are easier to walk around with.”

Customer: “Never was a fan of cats. Dogs are always so friendly and loyal. You could die in your chair and your dog would just lie right next to you until they died, too. A cat would probably start eating the flesh off your bones!”


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The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

, , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

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It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

, , | Right | April 21, 2009

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

Customer: “Well [Brand] says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

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Please Burn Before Returning

, , | Right | April 4, 2009

(I work at a large outdoor equipment store. I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device, which is used for winter mountaineering so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

Me: “Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking at this – do they work well?”

Me: “Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

Customer: “Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

Me: “We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

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Now Serving: Poopsicles

, , | Right | March 19, 2009

(Note: we’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Old man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… Oh, here it is!”

(He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

(The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

Old man: “That’s cold… Where’s the toilet paper?”

Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

(Sadly, this was not the first time this happened.)

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