Comically Bad Timing

, , , | Right | November 13, 2009

Me: “Hi. How are you?”

Customer: “Good, how are you?”

Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air Miles card?”

Customer: “Yes. Yes, I do.”

(He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)

Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*

(The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

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Pissed Off (And On)

, , | Right | November 5, 2009

(I work as a plumber for a five-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

Me: “Ah, okay… there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

Me: “Yep. One sec.”

(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

Customer: “Oh, my… Well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

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Truly Fake Intentions

, , , , | Right | October 28, 2009

(A customer and his wife come in to find an outfit for her to wear. He seems particularly interested in one that’s being worn by a mannequin.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you have the outfit on the mannequin?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I sold the last one earlier today. The one the mannequin is wearing is the only one I have.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t you just give me that one, then?”

Me: “I can, but I do have another almost identical outfit in stock.”

Customer: “No, I want that one!”

Me: “Okay, sir.”

(I start dragging the mannequin to the back.)

Customer: “Where are you going?”

Me: “City law says I can’t undress her in front of the windows, sir.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t I have that one?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I want the one on the mannequin!”

Me: “That’s what I’m doing, sir.”

Customer: “I WANT THE ONE ON THE MANNEQUIN!”

(His wife suddenly appears from another part of the store.)

Customer’s Wife: “He just wants to see the mannequin naked.”

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Elmer Fudd Calling On Line One

, , , , | Right | September 28, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cellphone Store]. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store?

Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.”

Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?”

Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.”

Customer: “Moisture damage?”

Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.”

Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?”

Me: “…yes.”

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Pretty In Puke

, , | Right | September 25, 2009

(I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra-large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:)

Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?”

Customer: “Nah, man, I got this. I got this…”

(The customer takes another bite, chokes it down, and throws up on the floor.)

Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.”

Customer: “Nah, man, I got this. I can do this!”

(The customer vomits again.)

Chef: “All right that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.”

Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.”

Customer: “Man, just… gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay.”

Chef: “Tell you what. You get outta my store and I’ll give you the pizza for half-off.”

Customer: “No way; I can do this! You just watch! You watch me right here, right now!”

(He takes another couple bites, but doesn’t vomit this time.)

Chef: “Look, buddy, you puked. That automatically disqualifies you. Just go on home before I gotta throw you out.”

Customer: “Nooooo! You don’t get it, bro. I gotta do this!” *forces more pizza in his mouth*

Chef: “Sorry, buddy, but that’s it. You’re torturing yourself.”

(The chef and another customer dragged the guy outside, and that was the last I saw him that night. I later found out that the guy showed up the next day at the restaurant in a pink dress. Apparently, he had a bet with his friend that if he didn’t eat the whole pizza, he’d have to wear the dress for a day…)


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