Plays The Farting Part Of The Parting Fart

, , , , , | Related | February 25, 2019

(My mother makes the mistake of offering to pick up a lady from one of her church groups. From then on, the lady pretty much expects to be picked up and dropped off for their group and for church on Sundays. Dad is getting a bit fed up.)

Dad: “Can’t [Lady] get someone else to pick her up?”

Mum: “Oh, come on. We drive right past her house.”

Dad: “Yeah, I know. I’d just like to get to and from church without being farted at.”

Me: *laughing* “Farted at?”

Mum: “Yeah, she always leaves with what we call a ‘parting fart.’”

Dad: “It’s not funny! She has to sit in the front seat and it gets aimed at me every time, and then I have to lean into it because she won’t shut the door properly.”

Mum: “It’s not just you; I get it on Tuesdays!”

(About a week later, I am coming back from church with my Dad. He’s taking the lady home and, true to his word, she farts as she gets out of the car. I instantly wind my window down.)Dad:*winds my window up* “Nope, you can suffer, too. Next time you won’t laugh at me.”

Worst Soda Ever

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2019

(Our restaurant has a self-serve soda fountain. It has a catch tray for drips and wasted ice. As I walk by it I see a woman scooping the ice with her hand into her cup.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but that ice isn’t clean. Other people dump out their drinks here.”

(She stops, puts the lid on the cup, and hands it to a young boy with her.)

Boy: “Granny, I don’t want that anymore!”

Grandmother: “Just take it and let’s go!”

Take A Seat For This… Just Not THAT One

, , , , | Right | February 19, 2019

(I am a customer waiting in line for my turn at a store that sells toilet fittings. There is another customer standing in front of me with a toilet seat in hand.)

Store Clerk #1: “Next.”

Customer: *slightly frustrated* “Yes, I have a problem with my toilet seat. Your workers installed this while renovating my entire bathroom and it’s loose. I have tried tightening it myself, but I can’t get it fastened.”

(At this time, another store clerk is free to help me and I stand next to the customer.)

Customer: *opening the toilet seat* “See, I tried tightening this, but it’s still loose. You guys probably installed it incorrectly.”

(Both clerks and I look at the seat while he lifts it up, revealing several pee and poop stains. I look at the clerk that is helping him and I see a horrified look on his face.)

Customer: “See? If I wiggle this, it’s clearly loose. Here, try it.”

([Store Clerk #1] clearly does not want to touch his stained seat.)

Store Clerk #1: “What are the name and address? I will look up your file.”

(The customer provides the address and [Store Clerk #1] goes into the offices.)

Customer: *to me, sighing* “When you pay this much for a complete bathroom renovation, you would expect some better quality.”

(I’m holding back my laughter, still shocked he would bring his dirty toilet seat, which is now placed on the counter. The clerk returns.)

Store Clerk #1: “I’m sorry, I can’t seem to find your file. When was it that we did this job?”

Customer: “You can’t expect me to remember?!” *sighs* “I don’t know, around 12 to 13 years ago?”

([Store Clerk #2] quickly rushes to the back mid-sentence, clearly holding back his laughter.)

Store Clerk #1: “I’m sorry, sir, our records only go back ten years. I’m afraid a replacement will not be available, but I can make an appointment to install a new toilet.”

Customer: “What? Fine, I’ll solve it myself.”

(The customer grabbed his pee-and-poop-stained toilet seat and rushed out. The clerks looked at each other with an all-saying look, and both turned to me at the same time. I glanced back, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry. They both went to the back. One returned with cleaning products, the other with hand-gel.)

 

You’re Always The Cream Of The Crop When You Have ALL The Cream

, , , , , | Right | February 18, 2019

(I am working for a well-known coffee chain. A woman comes in to place her order.)

Woman: “Can I get a skinny cinnamon iced latte? Please make sure you use fat-free milk and sugar-free syrup. I have to watch my sugar intake.”

(I make her order exactly as she asked for. She takes a sip and makes a funny face.)

Woman: “Umm, this doesn’t taste sugary enough. I’ll just fix it myself.”

(I watched as she walked over to where we keep cream and sugar for people who order plain coffee. She dumped out most of her drink and refilled it with about half a canister of half-and-half and about ten packets of sugar.)

Rocky Mountain Oysters Do NOT Come From The Ocean

, , , , , | Friendly | February 15, 2019

(I am a fourth-grade teacher.)

Student: “Mr. [My Name], do you like oysters?”

Me: “Yes.”

Student: “Great! I’ll bring you some.”

Me: *wondering how he intends to do that, since we live in Missouri* “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

Student: “It’s no problem. I’ll bring ’em as soon as my dad’s done castrating the bulls.”

Me: “You really don’t have to do that.”

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