The Number One Car Problem

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(An older female customer calls with a complaint about her car.)

Customer: “Since you serviced my car last week, my tire is leaking. There is a puddle under it that gets bigger every day.”

Me: *trying to think what would leak fluid near the tire* “Have you been running the windshield washer fluid to clear the frost off the windows in the morning? The drain is near there.”

Customer: “No, I think the tire fluid is leaking.”

Me: *at a complete loss but thinking possibly brake fluid or a strut is leaking* “Bring it in; we’ll take a look.”

(The customer shows up with an obvious water stain on the outside of her tire. Our tech agrees to take a look and drives it into the shop. I give his analysis to the lady.)

Me: “The tech looked at your car, and that liquid is dog urine.”

Customer: “But the puddle gets bigger every morning.”

Me: “Once a dog finds a place to mark, it tends to become a popular spot for other dogs.”

Customer: “A dog is peeing on my car tire every day?!”

Me: “Looks like it.”

Shopping For An Indiana Jones-Themed Dinner Party

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2018

(A little old lady walks in.)

Customer: “Excuse me? I need help finding something.”

Me: “Oh, okay. What are you looking for today?”

Customer: *checks list* “First off, where are your live octopus tentacles?”

(I stare at her silently for a moment.)

Me: “I… I don’t think we… um…. carry that particular item. Is there… anything else?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. I’m also looking for porcupine and ostrich meat.”

(This time I’m even more surprised, and it obviously shows.)

Customer: “It doesn’t have to be mixed together. I can do it myself.”

Me: “I’m… I… I don’t think we have… that… either. I’m sorry. You may be interested in—”

Customer: “What about bats? Or toes? I mean, the toes would be pretty expensive, but I can afford them. I’m not poor!”

Me: “T-Toes?”

Customer: “Yes, and don’t try and trick me with monkey toes, because I know what a human toe looks like! They all try to trick me! All of them! I can’t trust you people anymore! You d*** lying b******!”

(I had to get my manager. The woman was kicked out of the store without purchasing anything.)

Has A Nose For Fine Jewelry

, , , , , | Right | April 7, 2018

(I work at a jewelry store, and we sell all sorts of stones. This couple has been in the store for well over an hour, and I have approached them a few times to see if they need any help. Finally, they do, and the interaction seems to be normal for the most part.)

Customer: “Do you have any jewelry of this specific stone?”

Me: “Certainly! Let me pull a few pieces out of the case. These are fairly inexpensive, so they should fall right into your budget!”

(I go over to the case and take out a series of pendants for the customer to select from. The customer picks one up, rubs it, then sticks it up her nostril to smell it.)

Customer: “It feels good; will this be available in a few weeks?”

Me: “Potentially. It depends on the people who come in.”

Customer: “All right.”

(The customer put the pendant in my hand and walked out. I promptly took the piece off display and sanitized it.)

This Caller Could Not Be Roached

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2018

I manage a large apartment complex. One Friday a resident calls and informs me that he has seen a couple of cockroaches in his home, in his kitchen. I inform him that our professional exterminator will be there this coming Wednesday, and he will go in and treat the apartment to get rid of any bugs, including roaches.

I arrive to work on the following Monday, before his apartment is to be exterminated. The same resident has left me a voicemail on my answering machine. He says that he made a pecan pie for the staff and myself, but he had to go to work before our office opened, and would I please go to his home to get it. He said he left it sitting out on the kitchen counter.

I think I’m going to tell him that I never got his message.

Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | March 21, 2018

I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her having sex with another friend. Four days post-breakup, we are working the grill area when in walks his ex and the guy she cheated with, clearly showing him off as her new boyfriend.

She makes eyes with my friend and then orders her food. It’s all grill items, and my friend knows it’s her order because she ordered the same unusual alterations to her food when they were together.

It becomes apparent very quickly that both she and the guy intend to humiliate my friend by making him make them their food. He looks around and notes several things.

1) It’s the middle of summer and it’s over 35 degrees Celsius [95 degrees Fahrenheit] in the kitchen.

2) His crotch and rear have been within three feet of a 180+ degrees Celsius [356+ degrees Fahrenheit] grill for several hours.

3) The managers on duty are all either doing office work or customer facing, and can’t see him.

4) His ex can only see him from the neck up, due to how the kitchen is built.

My friend then decides that his ex’s order needs some extra sauce. He proceeds to work his hands down his pants and, after a bit of wiggling, brings from the depths of his crotch enough sweat to drip it onto first the ex’s and then the new boyfriend’s burgers before sending them and wandering off to wash his hands. Throughout all of this, I have neither intervened (because she did kind of deserve it) or assisted (because I didn’t want “sweat sandwich” as my dismissal reason), but I have kept a straight face and so has he. His ex doesn’t realise something is up, and once she gets her food, she looks at him again and smirks before wandering off to sit down.

At this point, I fulfil my obligations as a normal human and tell him he’s a maniac, he laughs it off, and we carry on about our business, stopping briefly to watch his ex and her new boyfriend leave the store.

Other mutual friends and coworkers of ours inform me that this event repeated on no less than five other occasions over the next four weeks, so the two of them got quite the dosage over time.

So far as I know, she never discovered that she ate a diet very high in ball sweat for several weeks, but it’s remained an amusing story within our friend group for the better part of a decade now.

The lesson to be drawn from this is: don’t go rubbing things in the face of someone who’s making your food. Who knows what “extra ingredients” you might end up with?

The guy is a prison warden now; God help the inmates.

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