Go Pee Or Feel The Bern

, , , , , , | Right | July 9, 2018

(I am a checker in a grocery store. I am working on our express lane when an older gentleman approaches, looking generally disgruntled.)

Me: “Hi, sir, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m angry. I can’t believe your bathrooms are in the back of the store. I p**sed myself walking back there. I’m 80 years old, and I shouldn’t have to p**s my pants because your bathrooms are in the back instead of in the front.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “I’ll get arrested if I p**s in the bushes out front. Your store on [Other Street] has the bathrooms in the front. Why don’t you? That’s why I go to [Home Goods Store] and your other location. They have the bathrooms in the front.”

Me: “I do apologize, sir. I know it’s inconvenient, and it’s not how I would have designed it, but nobody asked me.”

Customer: “I know it’s not your fault. I blame the corporate bigwigs; they never think of the little guy. I’m about ready to vote for Bernie Sanders.”

(He continued on in this vein while I finished the transaction. I’m not sure what he expected me to do.)

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”

Me: “THAT’S MY BOY!”

You’re His Number One Call

, , , | Right | July 4, 2018

Customer: “Can you hold on for a moment?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The phone is set down for maybe two seconds, and she’s back.)

Customer: “So I need…”

(The customer continues to speak, while in the background is the sound of the customer peeing.)

Me: “Um… Yeah, I can help with that.”

(The call continued, and background noises from there forward included grunting noises and several splashdowns.)

Couldn’t Make The Complaint Fly

, , , , , | Working | June 26, 2018

(This happens to my friend one day when he goes to a fast food restaurant known for serving breakfast foods alongside normal burgers and stuff all day. He is a big fan of their tacos and orders a couple of them on this visit. After getting back to his table, he brushes off the lettuce and finds a dead fly in one of his tacos. He takes a picture of the offending fly, then takes his taco up to ask for a new one.)

Friend: “Hey, man, I just found a dead fly in my taco. Can I get a new one?”

Worker: *takes taco back into the kitchen for a moment, then comes back with the same taco, minus one fly* “I didn’t see any flies on there.”

Friend: “Um, did I mention I took a picture of it?” *pulls out his phone and pulls up the picture of what is very obviously a dead fly, wings and all*

Worker: “That just looks like a piece of ground beef to me.”

(The worker refused to give my friend a new taco. They lost my business, since now I can’t even think of the restaurant without feeling nauseated. Amazingly, my friend still goes there. He really likes their tacos. Now he always brushes off the lettuce and checks for flies before he eats them, though.)

Quite Fluffy About What’s In Her Coffee

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2018

(My sister is drinking a coffee she’s left sitting for a few hours. She looks in the mug.)

Sister: “Wow, there’s a lot of fluff in here.”

(She sits there, mulling over her options.)

Sister: “Maybe if I stir it in, it’ll sink the bottom.”

(I watched in horror as she happily stirred and drank her dust-and-cat-hair coffee. I really hope one of us is adopted.)

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