I took a geology/environmental sciences class for a required part of my degree, and one of our first tests was identifying specific rocks by structure, color, and how it reacts to a drop of acid we were provided. One of the rocks is Halite – aka rock salt (this one I identified because it did have a distinctive salty smell).

The next time we meet, our professor looks at us and announces:

Professor: “I am very disappointed none of you tried to identify the rocks by licking, as one would have been immediately identifiable that way.”

We all stared dumbfounded as the college had only started letting us have in-building classes a few months ago (it was 2021).

Classmate #1: “Uh. Professor… you’re asking us to lick rocks.”

Professor: “Yes, it’s a tried-and-true method in geology.

Me: “I think most of us know that, but you remember last year, right?”

Classmate #2: “Yeah! I don’t think it’d keep any germs on for long, but excuse us for not wanting to lick anything after everything.”

Professor: “Oh… uh.”

Classmate #3: “I only thought about it after using acid on every sample, and I’m not licking acid.”

Classmate #4: “EEEW! You mean I touched stuff other people licked?!”

Professor: “Okay… I guess that’s understandable, but really, this is the one science where licking the subject is acceptable; you should take advantage of it.”

I owned a computer repair business for a few years. A woman brings in a laptop slammed with viruses, spyware, etc. It was so bad it wouldn’t boot. I got it all fixed up, and she picked it up.

She’s back the very next day with the same issues.

Me: “I feel I need to ask, what websites are you visiting on this thing?”

Customer: “Oh, hmm, lemme see. My boyfriend spends most of our internet time on…”

She proceeds to list, totally casually, a long list of adult-oriented websites with names that would make most people blush.

Me: “Um, okay. I’ll go ahead and clean it again for free, but if you visit those sites, I can’t do it again without charging. Those sites are 100% the cause of all your computer issues.”

Customer: *All smiles.* “Okay!”

She picked it up the same day, and is back in the next.

Me: “Did you go back on those sites?”

Customer: *Laughs.* “Of course.”

Me: “Do you understand why this keeps happening?”

Customer: “Yup!”

Me: “And you go to those sites anyway?”

Customer: “Yup!”

Me: “I’m going to charge you every time you come in with the same issue.”

Customer: “S’all good!”

Those two and their choice of websites paid my rent for months…

I used to be a server/bartender at a golf course. I was pretty much the only one who paid attention to little details and got the little details taken care of.

I didn’t recall any of the coffee pots being cleaned in the last three years, so I peeped inside one and holy Hell, it was beyond disgusting. Like, I was about to barf, disgusting. 

On a slow day when I had no tables, I spent time cleaning and sanitizing every coffee pot we had (there had to be at least thirty of them).

The next day, we’re having a lunch rush, and a regular customer asked me:

Regular: “Did you change coffee brands? The coffee is so much more tasty than it was last week.”

This regular was one of the ones who insisted on sitting in my section because I wasn’t afraid of all her food “requirements,” and she thought I was awesome for some strange reason.

Regular: “Did you switch to a better brand of coffee? It’s so much better! The coffee has been a bit s*** as of late!”

Me: “I gave the coffee pots and the machines a serious cleaning.”

Regular: “…”

Then she bursts out laughing and says:

Regular: “Good on you!”

The general manager overheard.

General Manager: “Nobody has ever cleaned those since I’ve been here!”

Me: “🤢🤮”

I got promoted to shift supervisor after that. Wheee!

A customer comes in to return a toilet seat to the customer service associate, who is new and a bit timid.

Customer Service: “Store policy is that we don’t do returns on toilet seats once they’re out of the plastic.”

Customer: “I just took it out to check it. It’s not the right shape.”

Customer Service: “Store policy says we can’t return seats once they’re opened.”

Customer: “Can a manager do it?”

Customer Service: “No, but even if they could, there’s no manager here at the moment. It’s literally impossible for us to return it.”

He doesn’t like this and starts raising his voice, trying to bully her. She’s super shy and quiet, so she kind of shuts down. Another customer nearby suddenly says, very loudly:

Other Customer: “It’s dirty. He didn’t just take it out. He’s a liar. I saw him carry it from his pickup.”

The customer becomes incredibly angry and starts shouting at the other customer.

Customer: “What did you say, b****?!”

Seeing the situation escalating into something ugly, I rush to step in.

Me: “Don’t worry about it, sir. We aren’t doing your return.”

He starts to protest again, but I cut him off.

Me: “Sir, I don’t care what you did or what you have to say. We aren’t doing your return today. You’ve got two options: take your toilet seat home and come back tomorrow to talk to a manager, or take your seat and get out of here. Either way, you’re leaving here with the seat.”

He leaves.

After that, managers are required to be present on weekends. And that new associate sometimes buys me some M&Ms.

My boss walks over to me, holding a job ticket.

Boss: “You got this ticket to repair this computer?”

Me: “Clean it. The customer wanted it dusted out.”

Boss: “You returned it uncleaned?”

Me: “I did. The resultant required job was not as described by the client.”

Boss: “Huh?! Just how much extra dust was in there?”

Me: “Enough dust to almost cover the mouse bones.”

Boss: “…never mind. Good call.”