Content Warning: Gross

I used to work at a mini golf course. It had little houses with doors that opened and closed that people would hit their balls into.

Someone took a gallon-sized bag full of diarrhea, opened it up, and threw it inside there. People started coming up to the counter with golf balls covered in diarrhea.

I work in a restaurant. A little girl comes up to me.

Little Girl: “Where’s the trash can?”

Me: *Holding out my hand* “I’ll take it.”

Then, she proceeded to spit some unidentifiable chewed-up object into my hand.

I drive a taxi. I picked up an Italian-speaking man at one of the nicer hotels in Copenhagen. After he told me where he was going, he took out a crisp banknote and folded it until he could use it as a toothpick. He spent pretty much the entire trip cleaning his teeth.

When we got to his destination, he tried to use that same banknote as part payment for the ride. Using gestures and my rather broken Italian, I finally made him understand why I wouldn’t even touch that note.

I know full well that most of our bank notes are anything but clean, but this was just gross on a whole new level.

I’m designing a website for a client. The client initially expressed that he wanted to use burgundy.

Client: “This isn’t right. You know the color blood red?”

Me: “Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.”

Client: “Yeah, I love blood red. I want the logo to look like that. Do you know what it would look like if you took a paintbrush, dipped it in blood, and smeared it downward? How the blood would be darkest in the center, and there would be splatters of blood and lighter shades of blood around it?”

Me: “You want a gradient?”

Client: “No, I want it to look like the blood of all our victims.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Client: “You know, from all the bugs we’ve terminated.”

Me: “Oh.”

I was visiting my sister, and her young son stopped playing on a tablet to run up to me to greet me. I gave him the usual greeting and a hug and a kiss.

Nephew: “I didn’t give you a kiss.”

Me: “Oh, I’d love a kiss from you.”

I knelt down so he could reach my cheek, but rather than the quick peck I’d expected, I got an open-mouthed attack on my cheek, followed by his licking my cheek during the kiss.

When he pulled back, he had a big grin on his face showing he was intentionally playing some sort of prank on me and was proud of it.

Me: “Did you just lick me?”

Nephew: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “Why?”

Nephew: “I’m French!”

He then ran back to his tablet and whatever game he had on it, giggling.

Me: “Did your son just try to give me a French kiss?”

Sister: “I don’t know where he learned that!”