Aisle Be Watching The Kids, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2021

I work at a grocery store and am dispatched to clean up some s*** in an aisle after a kid had an accident.

An older lady approaches me with a smile.

Customer: “Aww. Did someone bring their dog in the store?”

Me: “No, they brought in a child.”

She then slowly backed away and gave me a look of disgust.

Aisle Be Watching The Kids, Part 2
Aisle Be Watching The Kids

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At Least You Didn’t Find The Vashta Nerada

, , , | Working | February 2, 2021

I work in a library. I’m going through our craft supplies to find items I need to make a fall craft. However, when I pull one box off of the shelf, I notice MAGGOTS inside the box. I throw it in the trash and notice they’ve spread to the shelf, too. I’m working with [Coworker #1], who is known to be very squeamish and hates bugs, and [Coworker #2], who has a very strong stomach.

I approach [Coworker #2] and whisper to her.

Me: “I found maggots in the craft supplies. Can you help me clean it up and find out where they came from?”

Coworker #1: “What’re you whispering about?”

Me: “You don’t want to know.”

[Coworker #2] and I return to our supply room. We determine that the maggots were inside a bag of acorns and make sure to seal that off. We then take everything out, clean it down, and disinfect everything.

When we return:

Coworker #1: *To [Coworker #2]* “What’s going on?”

Coworker #2: “Really, you do not want to know.”

We’re both very polite but adamant about it. However, [Coworker #1] won’t drop the issue. She keeps asking what we found. Finally, [Coworker #2] gives in and whispers to her:

Coworker #2: “Maggots.”

[Coworker #1] starts screeching.

Coworker #1: “Maggots! Gross! I hate maggots! That’s disgusting! I wish you hadn’t told me!” 

She was loud, but she didn’t go on any longer than that.

Two days later, we all got called into my boss’s office. Apparently, one patron had overheard the outburst and complained. And that’s how three librarians got in trouble for making too much noise in the library.

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Morning Sickness For Everyone!

, , , , , | Romantic | January 23, 2021

My fiancée and I both have a weird sense of humor. It’s what drew us to each other. One night, we’re both lying in bed, about to go to sleep, when she farts under the covers. I’m usually the one that has the most foul-smelling farts in this relationship, but since she got pregnant she’s been trying to take first place.

Fiancée: “Oh, wow, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s fine. You know how mine usually are.”

She quickly lifts her covers.

Fiancée: “Oh, wow. No, babe, this one is terrible!”

I get a whiff of hers, and yeah, it’s pretty bad. So I let one go myself, and like normal, it’s pretty bad.

Me: “Oh, no, I got one that’s worse.”

Fiancée: “No, I win. You know why? It’s two versus one.”

I love this woman.

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Time To Clean The Brain Filter

, , , , , | Working | January 22, 2021

My husband works in hospitality, as do I. We decide to take advantage of a discount on a room and spend the night in a hotel during a weekend of wine tasting with friends. Check-in is uneventful and we proceed to our room. My husband tends to evaluate it as an engineer and housekeeper to make sure all is well. I tend to look at the upkeep details.

My husband finds two lightbulbs that are out, so he takes them out of the lamps and leaves them on the dresser. I notice some minor upkeep issues.

Then, we realize that there is no real airflow in the room, despite turning the fan and AC on. My husband looks around and locates the return air filter and opens it. The filter is completely blocked and disgusting. When we look at it, we notice a date written in the corner; it is two years old!

Upon checkout, I mention the lightbulbs to the front desk agent.

Agent: “How would we know unless you tell us?”

I was shocked silent. I skipped mentioning the air filter, figuring they would see it leaning against the wall when they serviced the room. In the industry, it is standard for housekeepers to test all lights to ensure they all work, among other things. There is no excuse for the air filter.

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Just When You Think You Have A Problem Licked…

, , , , , , | Right | January 19, 2021

We’re at the height of the second wave of the health crisis. I have a job in food retail and am thus classified as an “Essential Worker.” We are not permitted to challenge customers on mask-wearing due to an incident in another store where a colleague got punched in the face for stopping a maskless customer from entering the store.

A customer with a full trolley comes into my lane and starts unloading. She’s not wearing a mask, but I am. I’m also behind a Perspex shield. I start scanning through her shopping as soon as it reaches me.

She ducks below the belt and picks up some plastic bags, showing them to me so I can charge her for them. So far, so good. She then stands at the end of my line with her trolley, opening the bags up, licking her finger for each and every bag. I quickly point out a trick that gets our — admittedly finicky — bags open quickly and easily make a throwaway remark about how licking one’s fingers right now is probably not the best of ideas.

She rolls her eyes and scoffs, and starts rattling off conspiracy theories, calling it a “scamdemic” and the works. I groan inwardly and just silently continue checking out her shopping whilst she waffles on. I half-expect her to start on 5G next.

I finally finish and she’s loaded everything into her trolley, I give her the total and she pulls out her wallet.

Lick, ten, lick, twenty, lick, thirty…

I page for a manager.

Me: “I am sorry, but I cannot accept that money from you. Do you have an alternative form of payment? A credit or debit card, perhaps?”

Customer: “What do you mean? This is money. Take my money!”

Me: “I cannot accept money covered in spit. To be frank, it’s gross at the best of times, and unacceptable during a health—”

Customer:How rude! I demand to—”

My manager walks up just as she’s about to blow a fuse and asks what’s going on.

Customer: “This little snot won’t take my money!”

Manager: “Is this true, [My Name]?”

Customer: “Of course it is! I demand that he take my money!”

My manager raises his hand at the customer and turns to me again.

Me: “It is true; she’s been licking her fingers through the whole transaction. I am not taking cash off her.”

Manager: “Okay… Ma’am, do you have an alternative form of payment?”

Customer: “I have cash! Take the cash! I don’t have a card! Take my f****** cash!”

Manager: “Your cash has already been refused on account of it being a biohazard. If you do not have alternative means of payment, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

The customer just splutters and stammers for a moment before turning and grabbing her trolley full of shopping and attempting to push it out the door, resuming her unhinged ramble about the crisis.

Manager: “HEY! You can’t walk out with that without paying!” *To me* “Page security, now.”

I rapidly pressed my page button, setting off the alarm in the warehouse. Two colleagues came sprinting down the store and my manager pointed them at the woman now trying to run out the door with her full trolley.

The police eventually got called when the customer decided that the best course of action when being challenged over the attempted theft of over £100 worth of shopping was to spit in my manager’s face.

You see all sorts in retail.

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