Telling Fishy Stories

, , , , , | Working | March 11, 2019

(It is a slow day, and my coworkers and I are clustered around my desk, talking. Slowly, the topic drifts around to workplace pranks. One of my coworkers has the following story:)

Coworker: “At my last job, we all kept playing pranks on each other. One day, I got the idea to put anchovies in people’s drinks. This one guy got like, three-quarters of the way through his drink before he saw the anchovies at the bottom. Then he puked, so he got sent home. I got that guy a whole day off of work. Somehow, he didn’t want to thank me.”

Mmm… Meat Slushies

, , , , , , | Right | March 8, 2019

(I work in a kitchen store which sells mostly gadgets, but we do have several appliances and cookware sets. The store is very busy, and it’s just the assistant manager and me working. I am up front, checking out customers, while she is off helping someone. My line clears up and I decide to walk around the store to see if anyone else needs help. As I am walking, I hear my assistant manager talking with some customers who obviously know very little English. They are looking at a very pricy blender.)

Assistant Manager: “Ma’am, you cannot use this to chop up meat. None of the blenders here will chop up meat.”

(I am very confused to hear this, as I have never heard of a blender being used to chop meat. We do, however, carry things meant to do so, which the assistant manager is trying to show the customers, a daughter and a mother. I listen for another minute, then notice my line starting to build up again so I rush off to help. Soon after, the assistant manager comes up, flustered.)

Me: “Are you okay?”

Assistant Manager: “They want to chop meat with a blender. I keep trying to tell them they can’t. I’ve shown them everything we have to chop meat, but they want none of it!”

(We switch spots, so she is now checking people out and I am walking the floor. I see the customers she was talking to. They have opened the box of the blender up in the middle of the floor to look at it, despite it being on display right in front of them. They notice me and flag me over. Again, it is very obvious that they know almost no English.)

Customer: “We get new box?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “This opened. We get new box?”

(This really irritates me, as they are the reason the box is opened and now looks horrid.)

Me: “Let me go see if we have another.”

(I go into the back room, wait about a minute, and go back on the floor.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t have any more of those blenders. If you wish to buy one, you will have to buy the one you have opened.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I take the box up to the front for them to fix it while they browse some more.)

Me: *to my assistant manager* “If they ask for a new box, tell them we don’t have one. *wink*

(After a moment, she catches on. I turn to the other register to help another customer, when the women buying the blender walks up to my assistant manager’s register to pay.)

Assistant Manager: “All right, if you buy this, and chop meat with it, and decide you don’t like it, you can not return it, because that is not what it is supposed to be used for.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Assistant Manager: “Got it? Chop meat, can’t be returned.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(They pay and leave.)

Assistant Manager: “They are gonna chop meat in that, aren’t they?”

Me: “Yep.”

(A few weeks later, we notice the type of blender they bought in the return pile. The store manager was in that day.)

Assistant Manager: *to manager* “Hey, who returned this?”

Manager: “Some foreign people; I think it was a mom and a daughter.”

(The assistant manager and I look at each other.)

Me: “Open it up and smell everything.”

(We open the box and smell every cup, with no meat smell until…)

Assistant Manager: “OH, MY GOD!* *gags*

Manager: “What?”

Assistant Manager: “Smell the blades!”

(The manager and I smelled the blades, and of course, it smelled like raw meat. We now inform every person who works there about situations like this to prevent it from happening again.)

Medicine Prices Can Wind You

, , , , , , | Healthy | March 1, 2019

I had been having horrible stomach cramps, to the point where I could barely stand. I’ve already had my appendix removed, so my doctor ran a few other tests and determined the pain was from a bowel obstruction. He sent me home with instructions to drink more water and take a laxative and some OTC pain killers.

While waiting in the checkout line with my purchase, several waves of cramps came over me and I started seeing stars. The cashier saw me start to stumble and called for help. More stars appeared before the pain became so intense I passed out.

When I regained consciousness, there was a crowd surrounding me with a mixture of emotions on their faces. Some were concerned, others embarrassed, and others looked like they were trying not to laugh, but none of them are looking at me. I started to sit up and the associate closest to me — the pharmacist who helped me pick my laxative — told me to stay still and wait for the ambulance to arrive.

I asked what happened and the pharmacist blushed deeper. I looked down to make sure I hadn’t lost control of my bladder. I hadn’t, but then I realized my stomach didn’t hurt as much anymore. I made that comment aloud, and some of the crowd laughed. A man from the crowd leaned in and told me that when I hit the floor, I’d released the biggest, loudest, longest fart he’d ever heard out of any human being.

The people gathered around were obviously there to see how I handled the news of my flatulent faux pas. I was terribly embarrassed, but I was also so relieved that I wasn’t in pain anymore, I just laughed until I cried. The ambulance arrived shortly thereafter and gave me the okay to go home. I apologized to everyone in the vicinity and told them I hoped the rest of their day went better than mine.

Retail Has Its Highs And Lows

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2019

We just had a library patron come in specifically to thank us for helping her print her resume last week. She got the job!

Immediately afterward, another patron came up to tell us that they’d accidentally puked in the drinking fountain.

The Cake Is A Cry (For Help)

, , , , , , | Right | February 25, 2019

(I work in a nationwide coffee chain and our store is right in the middle of a shopping centre, so we are quite exposed to anyone walking past. I’m clearing the tables as it’s quiet, and a friend of my parents walks past, so we stop and talk for a moment. He has a reputation to anyone who knows him to be extremely cheap, like turning up at someone’s house at dinner time, hoping to get a free meal, instead of cooking himself.)

Me: “Anyway, best get moving. Lots of work to do.”

(I raise the pile of dirty cups, trays, plates etc. in my hands.)

Friend: “Okay.” *spots piece of half-eaten cake on a plate* “Can’t let that go to waste.”

(He swipes the cake and walks off, eating it as he goes.)

Coworker: “Did he just do what I thought he did?”

Me: “I really wish I could say he didn’t. I knew he was tight, but d***!”

(We both shuddered at the thought. How could someone not only eat someone else’s half-eaten piece of cake, but also a complete strangers’ without knowing what they might have done to it, what germs had gotten on it, how fresh it was…)

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