Time To Make A Stand

, , , , | Healthy | May 9, 2018

(My parents and I are sitting in the ER waiting room, waiting for my mom’s test results to come back. It’s very early in the morning, and the waiting room is quite small, so the few of us in there are all within eyesight of each other, except one woman sitting on the other side of a pillar from us. We’ve been there for a few minutes when a nurse comes in, carrying an armload of cleaning supplies. She walks over to the woman behind the pillar.)

Nurse: “Where was that man sitting?”

Woman: “Oh, three chairs over from me.”

(You can see everyone in the room count three chairs over from this woman… where another woman happens to be sitting. As soon as she realizes this, she tenses up and the guy next to her recoils away. The nurse awkwardly approaches.)

Nurse: “I need to clean this chair. The man who was sitting there had an… um… accident in his pants.”

(She immediately gathered all of her stuff and moved chairs, whispering somewhat-panicked statements to her male companion about whatever it was she was sitting in without realizing. We were called back before her, but the rest of the time we were there, she was sitting on the edge of her new chair, trying to touch as little as possible. You know you’re having a bad day when you’re in the ER at 1:00 am and find out you’re sitting in a stranger’s “accident.”)

Booked Yourself In For Some Weird Meals

, , , , , , | Related | May 5, 2018

(My sister is a giant bookworm. She is always reading, no matter what she’s doing. Cooking, bathroom, watching TV, breaks/lunch at work, she’s reading a book. For showering and driving, she plays an audio book. It can sometimes lead to comedy gold.)

Sister: “Well, this morning I was making a bowl of cereal while also reading my book, so I wasn’t 100% paying attention. I opened the sugar canister and spooned plenty of sugar in, while still reading my book. I took a bite and I got a big mouthful of salt! The canisters look alike! I feel so betrayed.”

Me: *bent over laughing*

Sister: “Oh, that’s not all. While I was on video chat with [Best Friend], I made a sandwich and I went to get the Italian dressing to put on it. Well… I wasn’t paying attention, and the chocolate syrup is next to the Italian dressing in the fridge. I didn’t realize until I already put it on the meat and went to close it. [Best Friend] was laughing her butt off. I rinsed the chocolate off the meat and put Italian dressing. I took a bite and there was still chocolate on the bread! I had to spit it out, and [Best Friend] laughed even harder!”

Me: *laughing and wondering how she made it to 28*

A Selfish Use Of The Book

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A patron approaches me at the circulation desk in our public library.)

Patron: “I have something awkward to tell you.”

Me: “I won’t judge. I promise.”

Patron: “Well, you might.” *she shows me a heavy coffee table book, “Selfish,” Kim Kardashian’s selfie book* “The pages are all stuck together, and I thought you should know I found it like this.”

Me: “Well, it’s in no condition to circulate.”

Patron: “The thing is—” *lowers her voice to a whisper* “I know this smell and it’s a man’s… you know.”

(It took a moment to register, before I nervously called over my more senior coworker for moral support. We chucked the book because it was clear the damage was done within the library, since there was no way we would check a book out to anyone in that condition, nor would we return it to the shelf like that. Neither of us could be sure the sticky stuff was what the patron suggested it could be, but we were taking no chances there.)

The Glue That Keeps The School Together

, , , , | Learning | May 1, 2018

My grandad told me that during the war, they were using the hall in his school as a temporary warehouse for thousands of sacks of flour. The Luftwaffe firebombed it one night and the fire brigade quickly sprayed it with water, not knowing what was inside.

Of course, when you mix flour and water, you get glue, which flowed all over the corridors and the playground before setting. They still hadn’t cleared it up years later.

How The Number One Manager Becomes Number Two

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

All the employees wear earpiece walkie-talkies, keeping us in contact at all times. Chatter on the main channel is kept to a minimum, as it’s the default channel everyone is required to use unless requested on another channel.

Our regional manager comes for a week-long visit. Normally, he doesn’t participate in store operations, so it’s the first time he uses one of the walkie-talkies. For some reason, he switches it from push-to-talk to always-on. This means we can hear everything on his end, plus it drowns out everyone else from being able to use the channel. I head off to try to find him to fix the issue.

Before I locate him, he heads into the managers’ bathroom, and chooses to ignore my polite knocks on the door. For the next 20 minutes, all two dozen staff members are treated to a disgusting chorus of a series of grunts, shuffles, curses, farts, and plops, followed by a loud flush.

When he comes out, he angrily looks into my office to ask me what was so d*** important that I tried to interrupt him. I explain the walkie-talkie to him, hearing the echo of my voice in my earpiece, then show him how to properly set it.

None of the employees can keep a straight face when they see him the rest of the day.

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