Giving You A Piece Of My Mind – And My Guts

, , , , , , | Working | August 26, 2019

(I work at a hamburger chain restaurant, but end up having to call out sick. I make sure to call early and speak right to the manager. However, the manager is notoriously lazy, negligent, and incredibly dumb.)

Manager: “You’re just going to have to suck it up and come in.”

Me: “I can’t! I’m puking my guts up!”

Manager: “That’s manageable. We’ll just put a trash can at the end of the grill-line for you.”

Me: “Are you being serious right now?!”

Manager: “Look, [My Name], things are already busy…”

(They aren’t. I have called early enough that the building isn’t even open for business at this time; I know the manager is present with a few prep employees.)

Manager: “…and I just don’t have the time to call around for somebody to replace you. You’re going to have to suck it up and come in.”

(I open my mouth to argue, and instead I give my manager a full auditory experience involving my stomach turning inside out. When I can talk again, I’m pretty sure my voice sounds like the Devil’s.)

Me: “[Manager] if you say that I have to come in one more time, I’ll call the health department as soon as you hang up the phone!”

Manager: *pause* “Come in when you feel better.”

(I do look back on this story with some amusement: apparently the sound of someone vomiting — and/or mentioning the health department — is a 100% effective way to make the laziest manager do their job. Who knew?)

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Toilet Humor Is No Joke

, , , , | Learning | August 26, 2019

(One of my students runs up to me in the gym; he’s two and a half.)

Student: “I pooped!”

Me: “Oh? Do you mean right now in your diaper? Or did you poop in the toilet earlier?”

Student: *like I’m an idiot* “I didn’t poop in the toilet!”

Me: “Okay. Well, let’s go back to the classroom and get you changed.”

Student: “Okay!” *pause* “Can I come with you?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

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When A Girl First Sheds Her Flower…

, , , | Right | August 20, 2019

(I’m halfway through my shift and walking up front for a break when a middle-aged woman waves at me.)

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Customer: *apprehensively* “I don’t know if this is your responsibility or not, but, um… I think someone left a dirty tampon on the floor of the women’s restroom. Can you go check it out? I don’t want to touch it.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(Bracing myself for the worst, I entered the restroom and started to reach for my walkie-talkie to call the cleaning crew when I saw it. The “tampon” was a flower petal from one of our refrigerated bouquets, curled up on the floor. I just laughed and went to clock out for break.)

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Her Money Situation Is Fluid Right Now  

, , | Right | August 18, 2019

(I am a cashier. The woman I am ringing up hands me four $20 bills.)

Woman: “All I have is cash; I’m so sorry.”

Me: “It’s fine. We take cash.”

Woman: “Oh, my God, they’re wet. That is so wrong.”

Me: “Uh… really, it’s fine.”

(I don’t think anything of it.)

Woman: “I’m so sorry, they were in my back pocket!”

Me: “Okay…?”

Woman: “And… it’s really hot outside…”

(I finally understand what she’s telling me. I try to laugh it off.)

Woman: “Oh, man, that is just nasty! That is so wrong!”

Me: “If you didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have known!”

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Putting The Matter To Bed

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2019

(I am picking my puppy up from a groomer located in a pet store. Since he was good while being groomed, I decide to walk down an aisle to grab a treat for him. As we’re walking, he pees on a display of very expensive dog beds. I scold him, get paper towels from a dispenser, and clean up the mess as best I can. On my way out, I search for an employee.)

Me: “Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that my dog peed on one of the dog beds back there. I was wondering if I needed to purchase the bed now, or if you have some way of cleaning it?”

Manager: *gruffly* “Show me where it is.”

(I lead her back to the bed and show her which one, which has quite the large mark on it.)

Me: “Again, I’m really sorry. I can pay for it if you can’t salvage it.”

Manager: “Look, I’ve worked this job for nearly twenty years. We have people come in with their pets every day. Most of the time, people don’t clean up after their pets, let alone tell us. I’ve never once had someone offer to pay for damages they’ve caused. I’m going to mark this bed off as defective. You go up front and tell [Other Employee] that I told you that you can have those treats on us today. I wish we had more people like you come in the store.”

(I was stunned at how kind she was about the situation, but I paid for my treats, anyway. I always go back to that store now, and now that my pup is older we don’t have any accidents. But he does love all the free treats he gets from all of the employees!)

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