(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

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Caller: “I was wondering what stains you can get out of fabric? Can you get everything out?”

Me: “What is the stain, exactly?”

Caller: “Well, I was watching this woman on telly and I got a bit excited–”

Me: *cuts him off* “–Oh, yes, we can get THAT out.”

Caller: “Do you want to know who it was?”

Me: “Ummm…”

Eavesdropping Coworker: *grabs phone* “Ooh, yes, tell us!”

Caller: “Dolly Parton. She really does it for me!”

(All unusual customer requests from that day forward were known as ‘Dolly Partons.’)

This story is part of the Customers-Sharing-TMI roundup!

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(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a god-d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories About Taking Your Cat To The Vet!

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Customer: “I need to return these bladder control pads. They won’t work for me.”

Me: “Sorry, you can no longer return anything of that nature to this store.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “Not only has it been opened, but you used a pad and put it back in the package.”

Customer: “I didn’t use it! I only tried it on!”

(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

Male Caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

Me: “All right, what would you like to know?”

Male Caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with eight women for six hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

Me: “Would I… What?”

Male Caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

Male Caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

Male Caller: “Would you?”

Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

Male Caller: *click*