Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is [My Name] speaking, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

Customer: “Would you like to be?”

(We’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Old Man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… Oh, here it is!”

(He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

(The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

Old Man: “That’s cold… Where’s the toilet paper?”

Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

(Sadly, this was not the first time this happened.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, miss, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “Oh, well, here you go.”

(She then stuck her hand in the bag, pulled out a handful of chips, handed me the bag, and then walked away.)

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(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

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Caller: “I was wondering what stains you can get out of fabric? Can you get everything out?”

Me: “What is the stain, exactly?”

Caller: “Well, I was watching this woman on telly and I got a bit excited–”

Me: *cuts him off* “–Oh, yes, we can get THAT out.”

Caller: “Do you want to know who it was?”

Me: “Ummm…”

Eavesdropping Coworker: *grabs phone* “Ooh, yes, tell us!”

Caller: “Dolly Parton. She really does it for me!”

(All unusual customer requests from that day forward were known as ‘Dolly Partons.’)

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