Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, miss, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “Oh, well, here you go.”

(She then stuck her hand in the bag, pulled out a handful of chips, handed me the bag, and then walked away.)

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(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

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Caller: “I was wondering what stains you can get out of fabric? Can you get everything out?”

Me: “What is the stain, exactly?”

Caller: “Well, I was watching this woman on telly and I got a bit excited–”

Me: *cuts him off* “–Oh, yes, we can get THAT out.”

Caller: “Do you want to know who it was?”

Me: “Ummm…”

Eavesdropping Coworker: *grabs phone* “Ooh, yes, tell us!”

Caller: “Dolly Parton. She really does it for me!”

(All unusual customer requests from that day forward were known as ‘Dolly Partons.’)

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(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a god-d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories About Taking Your Cat To The Vet!

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Customer: “I need to return these bladder control pads. They won’t work for me.”

Me: “Sorry, you can no longer return anything of that nature to this store.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “Not only has it been opened, but you used a pad and put it back in the package.”

Customer: “I didn’t use it! I only tried it on!”