(I work at an animal hospital which also helps adopt out strays. It’s a slow day, so I walk into the lobby cradling a kitten for anyone that is interested.)

Customer: “Is that your cat?”

Me: “No, this little guy is one of our strays. He needs a home.”

Customer: “Do you have any stray dogs?”

Me: “Yes, we have a couple of dogs that are available for adoption. However, we have more cats and they are easier to walk around with.”

Customer: “Never was a fan of cats. Dogs are always so friendly and loyal. You could die in your chair and your dog would just lie right next to you until they died, too. A cat would probably start eating the flesh off your bones!”

This story is part of our Take Your Cat To The Vet roundup!

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(I’m a bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus Driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus Driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus Driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus Driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

Customer: “Well [Brand] says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

This story is part of the Crazy Mental Imagery roundup!

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(I work at a large outdoor equipment store. I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device, which is used for winter mountaineering so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

Me: “Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking at this – do they work well?”

Me: “Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

Customer: “Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

Me: “We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is [My Name] speaking, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

Customer: “Would you like to be?”