Me: “Do you have your rewards card with you, sir?”
Customer: “Uh, no, I don’t. Do I not get a discount?”
Me: “Of course you still can! What’s your phone number?”
Customer: “How old are you?”
Me: “Seventeen.”
Customer: “You’re not even legal! I can’t do that.”
Me: “Uh, no, sir. I need it to look up for your discount.”
Customer: “Oh…” *tells me his phone number* “…but don’t call me after 5. That’s when my wife gets home.”
(A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)
Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”
Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”
Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”
Me: “I have to. I have raw chicken on my hands.”
Customer: “Me, too! I’m not slowing down my day!”
Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”
Customer: “What?! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”
(The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)
Customer: “Look! See? I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”
(I ring up the refund.)
Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”
Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”
(I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)
Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”
Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”
Customer: “In my recycling bin.”
Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”
Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”
Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”
Customer: “PIE!”
This story is part of our Pumpkin Spice roundup!
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Me: “Hi. How are you?”
Customer: “Good, how are you?”
Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air Miles card?”
Customer: “Yes. Yes, I do.”
(He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)
Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*
(The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)
Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
CONTENT WARNING: Revolting
(I work as a plumber for a five-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)
Me: “Ah, okay… there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”
Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”
Me: “Yep. One sec.”
(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)
Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”
(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)
Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”
Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”
(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)
Customer: “Oh, my… Well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”
