She Eats People Like You For Breakfast

, , , , , | Romantic | October 14, 2017

(My friend is working the drive-thru. After the customer gives his order and pulls to the window, this lovely exchange happens:)

Customer: “You know, a guy like me likes to see girls like you on her back, preferably naked.”

Friend: “You know, a girl like me likes to see guys like you in an oven, preferably with it preheated to 350 already.”

Customer: “I was just trying to be flattering.”

Friend: “You were just trying to be raunchy for shock value, and it didn’t work.”

Customer: “What if I had feelings for you?”

Friend: “Wouldn’t change mine toward you, which is hungry.”

Customer: “As in good hungry?”

Friend: “As in Hannibal hungry.”

Customer: *drives off*

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

What Used To Be Jarring Neglect Is Now Normal

, , , , | Related | October 1, 2017

(I’ve received a jar of chocolate biscuits as a gift from my sister. The chocolate seems to have melted, so some of the biscuits are stuck together, and some have lost half of the chocolate. I try a couple and find that they taste awful and stale.)

Me: *to my son* “Could you tip these into the bin, please?”

Son: “Why are you throwing them out? It’s just a waste.”

([Son] hates wasting food, and will eat just about anything.)

Me: “They’re awful.”

Son: “They can’t be that bad; I’ll eat them.” *takes a bite of one and immediately spits in the bin* “What was that? Where did you get those from? You need to take them back.”

Me: “[My Sister] gave them to me as a gift.”

Son: “Well, that figures. Why am I not surprised?”

Me: “Save the jar; I can use that.”

Son: *looking in jar* “Umm, there are crumbs in here that don’t match the chocolate biscuits; she used a dirty jar.”

Me: “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me either.”

It Snot Liquid!

, , , | Right | September 27, 2017

(One of our users has brought in her work-supplied laptop which is not booting. The computer is badly beaten up, with a cracked screen and dented and scuffed exterior, so it will probably not be covered under warranty. There are also a lot of sticky droplets on the screen and keyboard – signs of possible liquid damage. My colleague, who has been working on the computer for hours, decides to ask the customer a bit more about this:)

Coworker: “Have any liquids come in contact with this computer?”

Customer: “No, no liquids.”

Coworker: “Are you sure? No coffee or soda? Maybe water?”

Customer: “No, no liquids. Well, except for sneezes!”

Out Of The Frying Pan And Into Getting Fired

, , , , | Working | September 27, 2017

(We’re in a waiting bay at a popular fast food restaurant. I see a worker carrying our food over. I notice that she is walking rather slowly, and then I see her open the bag and pinch a few fries. I lower my window as she arrives.)

Worker: “662?”

Me: “Yes.” *as she hands the bag over* “Could we perhaps have an order you haven’t already eaten from, thank you?”

Worker: *going red in the face* “Oh, umm, sure. I didn’t know you were watching.”

(She walks back and starts eating again, in full view of the restaurant. She comes back five minutes later, holding the bag at arms length.)

Partner: *as we’re leaving the car park* “Let’s never come here again.”

Me: “Deal.”

(We never did.)

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