Playing Phone Gag

, , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(A customer has put her shopping basket on the conveyor belt. I take it after scanning her groceries through and notice a mobile at the bottom.)

Me: “Here, you’ve forgotten your phone.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks.” *nonchalantly sticks the phone inside her bra*

(I emptied a bottle of hand sanitiser after that.)

Cults Are Fickle Like The Wind

, , , , | Friendly | January 5, 2018

(One of my friends, a mature-aged lady, has become quite interested in a group that, to me, seemed quite cultish. She talks non-stop about it and is starting to get other friends interested, too. I am a bit worried about the change in her. The leader of the group is making a trip to our city, and my friend immediately buys her ticket to the event.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], are you going to come to [Group Meeting]?”

Me: “No, it’s too expensive for me; I can’t warrant the cost. *almost $400*

Friend #2: “It’s going to be worth it; we are going to get so much out of it.”

Friend #1: “I know, right?” *starts raving about the group*

(It’s a few days after the meeting. Usually my friends post everything to social media but I’ve seen nothing.)

Me: *to [Friend #2]* “So, how was the weekend?”

Friend #2: “Oh, my God, it was horrible. We paid all that money and they didn’t even supply chairs; we had to sit on the floor. And then the bowing started; we were supposed to bow down with our face in the dirty carpet.”

Me: “The bowing was the main thing that put me off of the group, but grovelling on the carpet sounds worse.”

Friend #2: “But that wasn’t the worst part! We decided not put our faces to the carpet and looked forward instead. That’s when the man in front of us started farting right into our faces. It was rancid. The rest of the day didn’t get any better. It’s turned me off this group, and also given [Friend #1] second thoughts.”

(Thanks to a farting man, I no longer had to worry about my friends.)

Unable To Flush That Imagery From Your Mind

, , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2017

(I am waiting for a table outside of a popular restaurant with my friends. A couple in their early 20s comes up and signs the register to queue for a table as well. While they’re waiting, they start talking together about various things. Most of the conversation is pretty normal and boring, until…)

Woman: “I just hate public toilets.”

Man: “Oh, I know. There’s just always some slob who hasn’t cleaned up after themselves.”

Woman: “Uh. No. I meant the seats.”

Man: “What? Like that thing about women not sitting and they pee everywhere?”

Woman: “No! Someone is always closing the toilet seats!”

Man: “What?”

Woman: “You know how there’s a lid? Someone always closes it, and then I have to open it and touch the filthy lid. And it’s just. Ugh.”

Man: “Oh.”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Man: “But you’re supposed to close it so the bacteria doesn’t spray everywhere when you flush. My mum used to chew me out about that every time I didn’t.”

Woman: “Well, at home, sure. That’s your own toilet. In public toilets, I just don’t flush.”

Man: “Oh, my God! You’re one of those?”

Woman: *offended* “What?!”

Man: *laughing* “You’re one of the people that I was talking about, who doesn’t flush after they leave a brick in the bowl. F***, you’re nasty!”

Woman: “You’re disgusting!”

Man: “Says the person who doesn’t flush, and probably doesn’t wash her hands after, either!”

A Sickening Amount Of Fraud

, , , , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(An obviously drunk woman comes up with a paper bag, swaying.)

Woman: “I have… a reservation. [Woman].”

Me: “Okay, can I see the credit card that will be used?”

(She brings the bag up to her nose and THROWS UP in it. My stomach churns and I back off a bit.)

Woman: “My daddy called and said that he was going to pay for it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t give you a room unless I swipe the card.”

Woman: “Why?” *throws up some more*

Me: “It’s the rules.”

Woman: “Can’t you just make an exception for once? I’m sick and everything! Don’t you people have a heart?!”

Me: “No, sorry. It’s to prevent credit card fraud.”

Woman: “Fine!”

(She turned and stumbled away, hopped in her car, and drove off… straight into a street lamp! The cops were called and she was arrested. I wonder if her daddy bailed her out?)

A Couch Cheese-Potato

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(I just started working at a game store that has an upper floor where people can go play games in private, and can also order some snacks. My new boss is telling me that before closing time I must go and clean the gaming rooms.)

Boss: “Be sure to check everywhere. You’ll be surprised by the ways customers can dirty up the place.”

(I go ahead and clean up the place. I do find a surprise while doing so, and when finish, I relate to my boss:)

Me: “Seems one of the kids that was here earlier didn’t finish his cheese snack and, for whatever weird reason, decided that the best course of action was to stuff the half-finished bag inside the couch.”

Boss: *chuckles* “I wish I could tell you that’s the weirdest thing I’ve found.”

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