It’s Always An Abandoned Warehouse

, , , , , | Romantic | April 8, 2019

(My spouse works delivering and picking up medical supplies from individuals, usually homes. I call him most days to tell him how my day is going and what the baby is up to and to talk to him about how his day is going.)

Spouse: “The GPS says it’s this dilapidated old building.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Spouse: “It’s a taxidermist.”

Me: “Now you’re just making things up.”

Spouse: “No, it really is! Maybe they work here. I’m going to go knock.”

Me: “I’m never going to see you again. A gang of kids and a Great Dane are going to have to solve the mystery of your disappearance.”

Spouse: “I’ll be right back.”

(He calls me back a few minutes later.)

Me: “You survived?”

Spouse: “It was abandoned. There was a dead bird in the window.”

Me: “Oh, well, oka— Of course there was a dead bird in the window! It’s a taxidermist, not a pet shop!”

Spouse: “No, I mean a real dead bird!”

Me: *laughing*

Putting The Cold Into Cold Hard Cash

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2019

While I am working at a gas station, a customer pulls up to the pumps and then comes inside. He wanders around for a moment and eventually grabs an ice cream cone from the cooler. He unwraps it and starts eating it as he heads to the register, ripping off the entire ice cream top in one go.

Then he seems to realize his mistake, as he can’t coherently communicate with ice cream in his mouth. His solution?

He spits the ice cream into his hand, asks for $10 on his pump, puts the ice cream back in his mouth, and proceeds to pay for the order in cash… with the hand that was holding the ice cream glob.

As you might imagine, the cashier is less than enthused to take the money and makes a beeline for the bathroom to wash his hands immediately after completing the transaction.

The Sugar-Crystal Skull

, , , , , , , | Learning | April 3, 2019

(I am in a culinary arts class that takes place in a small kitchen area. Students from a creative writing class recently used the space for a project that involved making calaveras, tiny human skulls made entirely out of granulated sugar and butter. They left behind a small mess for us to clean, including most of a malformed skull.)

Classmate: *pointing at mangled skull* “What should we do with this?”

Teacher: “Eh, that one’s a reject. You can just toss it.”

Classmate: “Can I have it?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

(That guy proceeded to eat the entire skull over the course of our class. Almost a cup of pure sugar and no flavorings.)

Cold, Wet Cash

, , , | Right | April 3, 2019

There’s a man who visits the thrift store where I volunteer somewhat regularly. He suffers from some kind of chronic sinus problem. He never says anything and usually doesn’t cause any problems, but one day he paid for his item with two dollars that were sopping wet and suspiciously slimy.

I didn’t notice until they were already in my hand, and I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I set them quickly in an empty slot in the drawer, but I felt nauseated for the rest of the day.

This One Will Zap Your Appetite

, , , , , | Working | March 30, 2019

My mum told me a story last week about when she was an employee, later a manager, at a big-name fast food restaurant.

At the time, one menu item was a ham and cheese toasted sandwich, but on a burger bun. They would premake a certain number at the start of each day, put them in cold storage, and heat one up each time one was ordered.

Regularly, if registers were busy or something else arose, they would leave the line of half-made burgers lying out, go help out, and then complete the burgers later.

Also regularly, they would get complaints of dead flies in burgers, usually about this specific menu item, rarely anything else.

Turns out, the kitchen had a bug zapper above the prep bench, so when staff would go help out for ten minutes, bugs would get zapped, fall into the half-made burgers, and as the line was made fast, just slapping ham and cheese on multiple burgers in a row, workers wouldn’t notice one dead fly on one random burger on a row of ten or twenty.

I’m happy this chain now makes food to order, and I can actually see my burger being made. And that the restaurant Mum worked at is now closed.

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