I Once Knew A Woman Who…

, , , , , , , , | Right | April 22, 2021

As a healthcare worker and, you know, a relatively intelligent human being, I have done my absolute best to stick to the “rules” throughout the many lockdowns. I am shopping for some fruit and veg, and have thoroughly sanitised my hands and basket, donned gloves, and am keeping my 1.5m away from everyone.

At the checkout, I am just exchanging a couple of words with the cashier when a fly buzzes past my open mouth and I manage to inhale the thing. I instantly start involuntarily coughing and choking, and before I can drop my shopping and get my face into my elbow where it belongs, I let out two massive coughs all in the direction of the cashier.

Between coughing and trying to breathe, I attempt to talk.

Me: “Oh, my God, I am so sorry! I just inhaled a fly! I’m sorry!”

I notice the five other people waiting nearby who are looking at me like I have the plague.

Me: “I’m so sorry! I inhaled a fly!”

I grabbed my shopping and ran away into the open space of the car park to finish my revolting coughing spell and hope the fly would come out with it. Gross.

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Their Reasoning Is Crap

, , , , , | Right | April 11, 2021

I’m at a chicken restaurant. A lady a couple of tables down from mine places her baby up on the table, obviously about to change their diaper right there on the tabletop. An employee quickly hurries up before the lady can actually get started.

Employee: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask that you do that in the bathroom.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s fine. We’re all done eating.”

Employee: *Sounding really strained* “Yes, but people will be using the table after you.”

At that, the woman gave the employee a glare, scooped up her kid, and stomped off, I guess toward the restroom. Meanwhile, her group at the table looked shocked, like they’d never considered the idea that other people would be using the table after they were done with it.

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I Don’t Have The Spoons To Deal With Your Mug

, , , , , | Working | March 25, 2021

I’ve started to bring my own coffee cup to work after I noticed how badly some people wash up the company-provided ones; leaving behind mould, lipstick, soggy biscuit crumbs, etc., for the next person.

I have a neon orange cup and spoon set from a Secret Santa that happened years ago; it even has my name plastered across the face of it. It’s totally garish but perfect for the office. I leave it on my desk and wash it up as I need to use it, mainly to stop it from getting damaged sitting in the breakroom.

One afternoon, I go to make myself a coffee but find the cup and spoon missing from my desk. Someone tells me that they were taken to be washed up along with a load of other dishes.

I walk to the nearby breakroom and they’re not in or around the sink or in the cupboards and there are no spares in sight. I turn around and ask the room:

Me: “Has anyone seen a bright orange cup and spoon set? I think it has my name on it…”

I glance at the faces and see [Coworker] from accounts with my spoon sticking out of her mouth.

Coworker: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise it was yours. Here.”

She offers me the spoon straight from her mouth.

Me: “Tell you what? Why don’t you finish with it first? I can have mine later.”

Coworker: “Well, if it bothers you that much! Fine!”

I grabbed some food from the machine and picked up my cup when my coworker was done with it, only to find that she hadn’t bothered to wash it at all! I kept my stuff locked away after that.

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Chewed Up And Spit Back Out, Literally

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2021

I am working my first ever job in retail. I have recently been promoted to checkout supervisor, and I am paged to the front counter to complete a refund. I go to the counter and see that the customer is a very attractive girl I have been considering asking out on a date. 

Customer: “Hi, I want to return this.”

She hands over one of our home-brand protein bars. It is open but not eaten or touched.

Me: “Sure. Can I ask why?”

Customer: “Yep. I want to test out your ‘try it, like it, or your money back policy.’”

We do have such a policy and it is advertised very sporadically.

Me: “Okay, but it looks like you haven’t actually tried it.”

The customer then picks up the bar, opens it, sticks a huge chunk in her mouth, chews for a bit, and then spits it on the counter.

Customer: “It’s s***. Refund, please!”

I decided not to ask her out after that.

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This’ll Make You Clench Your Teeth

, , , | Healthy | March 4, 2021

I work as a secretary in the Medical Imaging department at a local hospital. We offer appointments for MRIs. When a patient checks in, we ask them to fill out a questionnaire. This is to check if they have materials inside their body that can be dangerous because of the electromagnetic waves of the MRI.

Sometimes people can’t fill in the questionnaire. Some forget their good glasses, some can’t read or write, some don’t speak the language. Whatever the reason, we offer to read the questions to them and fill it in.

A patient comes up to me and says he can’t fill the questionnaire in on his own. I go over the questions with him. One of the questions is about dentures and whether they are magnetic.

Me: “Do you have dentures, sir?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Me: “Are they magnetic?”

Patient: “No, they are fastened with hooks. Here, look!”

The patient proceeds to pull down his mask and pull out his dentures, and he tries to shove them in my face!

Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

I have never been happier that we had plastic shields installed at our desks.

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