Friends By Blood

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 29, 2019

(I am visiting a friend and her family and we are having a nice dinner party. Since a couple of guests are late, the front door is unlocked. We look towards the door when we hear someone sprinting up the steps and a young man rushes in, covered in blood.)

Bloody Guy: *somewhat panicked* “[Friend]! I need… I need plastic wrap! A lot of it!”

(The room is quiet for a few moments.)

Friend: *snaps out of it* “Is someone hurt? I think I have a first aid kit.”

Bloody Guy: “No, no one needs a first aid kit. Just plastic wrap, and maybe if you have a big cooler?”

(My friend goes to check for the requested items. Bloody Guy stands there, still kind of breathing heavily.)

Other Guest: “What the f*** is going on?”

Bloody Guy: *blinks, and then suddenly has a moment of obvious realization* “Oh. S***. This looks real bad, huh?”

Other Guest: “Uh, yeah.”

(The bloody guy starts laughing and shouts outside for his girlfriend to come in. She’s also covered in blood, but smiling awkwardly.)

Bloody Girl: “Uh, hi?”

Bloody Guy: *grins* “Hey, babe, tell ’em what happened tonight.”

Bloody Girl: *excitable* “I got in a car accident! With a deer. It’s in my trunk. Wanna see?”

([Friend] comes back with plastic wrap and everyone goes outside; yep, that’s a dead, gutted deer in the trunk, and a screwed-up car. They needed plastic wrap to prevent more blood from getting on the carpeting of the trunk.)

Bloody Guy: *laughing* “I think they thought I killed somebody!”

(It turned out that [Bloody Guy] was a local legend who also happens to be [Friend]’s brother. He was notorious for making local legislation consider making a law to prohibit people from riding livestock on the road in the downtown/shopping district.)

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Sneaking Into The Kitchen To Cut Some Cheese

, , , , , , , | Related | October 22, 2019

(I am watching television in the living room. It is past my eight-year-old daughter’s bedtime, but for some reason she feels she is able to sneak past me into the kitchen to get a late snack. I am watching her attempt to sneak by, wondering how long I should let this go for, when she trips, falls, and lets out a huge fart. I can’t help myself and burst out laughing.)

Me: “That was hysterical! I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying!”

Daughter: “Just wait until you smell it; you’ll really be crying!”

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They’re Not Exactly Gagging For Your Business

, , , , , , , | Working | October 16, 2019

(My friends and I have been to a nightclub in the city, and instead of getting the train, I offer to drive everyone. I am stone-cold sober as I don’t like to drink alcohol; I don’t like the taste. We exit the club and see a food truck on the curb. All of my friends are a bit too drunk to want food, but I go over and join the queue. There are a few people in front of me, and finally the queue thins and it’s just me and a man that is so drunk that he can’t stand. At one point, he hunches over and gags but luckily isn’t sick.)

Server: “Anyone not had their order taken yet?”

(The drunk man in front of me ignores him and continues to gag.)

Server: “Anyone?”

(This goes on for two minutes and in the end, I roll my eyes and step forward to order. The second I open my mouth…)

Server: “Get back in line! That man was in front of you.”

(I shrugged and decided to walk away, because I had already been in the queue for ten minutes and it didn’t look like I was going to get any food any time soon. The second I stepped out of line, the man vomited over the curb and up the side of the truck.)

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It’s A Pee-Shirt

, , , , , , , | Right | October 14, 2019

An acquaintance sells T-shirts and other items printed with designs she creates. She usually sets up a table and has some of the shirts pinned so that they are hanging over the side of the table to ensure the designs are clearly and completely visible. 

Apparently, several other dog owners have been just as inattentive as the woman in this tale but the others have all at least taken monetary responsibility. Seriously, people, no matter how much you love them, your dog is a creature for whose actions you are responsible!

One day, my acquaintance was selling her wares near a farmers’ market and a woman with two dogs came near the table where she was displaying her art and T-shirts. One dog proceeded to pee on two of the T-shirts that were hanging from the table.

The owner did nothing.

The seller tried to call the dog owner out for this and get her to buy the soiled merchandise — they aren’t even that expensive. The woman’s response? “Well, you are on the street.”

And then, she walked away with her dogs and accused the seller of harassment when she followed to demand an explanation.

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I Confess To Being As Mature As A Seven-Year-Old Boy

, , , , , , | Learning | October 13, 2019

(In second grade, my class prepares for first Reconciliation by practicing with our teacher and a nun who works at the church. The teacher or nun sits in the priest’s chair and we go in and have a pretend confession. The rest of the class watches so that we can learn from each other. Naturally, some students decide to have some fun with it.)

Nun: “What sins have you committed?”

Student: *grinning* “I farted in my dad’s face on purpose!”

Nun: “Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?”

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