That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 12, 2018

(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

Beware The Clearance Rack

, , , | Right | November 9, 2018

(I work at the fitting room at a big box store not exactly known for their high-class customer base. I was off work the yesteray, but am back at work today. I hear [Coworker #1] talking to [Coworker #2].)

Coworker #1: “Yesterday, [Coworker #3] came up to me, and told me she saw a customer pick up a shirt, wipe her a** with it, and then throw it over a clothing rack.”

Me: “What did you do? Did you tell management?”

Coworker #1: “I asked [Manager] if I should damage out the whole rack. He asked if she placed the item face-up or face-down. She placed the item face-up. At least it was only a $1 clearance top.”

Makes Your Stagnant Blood Boil

, , , , , , | Working | November 8, 2018

(Every grocery store has problems with things being put or left in the wrong place, and not just because of the customers. A coworker has brought some items up to the front desk, where I am working, so they can be returned to the right spot.)

Coworker: “You’ll never guess where I found those. They were shoved behind a box of chips down .”

Me: “You think that’s bad, I’ve found—”

Coworker: “I’ve found an open box of condoms down [same wrong aisle] before.”

Me: “Wow, that beats what I was going to say. I’ve found eaten chicken wings in that aisle. Someone’s been throwing the bones behind the stuff on the shelves.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’ve seen that, too.”

(After that we go back to our separate jobs, until this happens a couple hours later. I walk up to my coworker, who is stocking shelves.)

Me: “Okay, I can beat it now.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I just had to clean up blood from the bottom of the food bank bin.”

Coworker: “WHAT?!”

(Apparently, some leaking meat had mistakenly been placed in the food bank bin instead of being taken back to the meat department. When this was noticed, the meat was removed and disposed of, and the bin taken to the back for cleaning… and then eventually returned to the front without ever being cleaned. The bin was then left there for two days, until I decided to look for the source of the terrible smell. This was definitely the worst incorrectly-placed item I’ve ever had to deal with.)

The Condition Remains Fluid

, , , , | Right | November 7, 2018

(I work at a chain retail store where we do basic services on cars, such as oil and tire changes. I am finishing closing up the shop and am in the back room taking a break when my coworker from the sales floor part of our department walks up to me. She hands me a copy of the paperwork of a completed service on a customer’s car. Typically if a customer calls back with a complaint, my supervisor writes the complaint down on the paperwork. This particular note is on the paperwork for an oil change that came with topping off the customer’s vehicle fluids, including washer fluid. I have to do a double-take and read it again to make sure I’m not going crazy.)

Paperwork: “Customer called back saying they tasted their washer fluid and it tasted like water. Will return tomorrow.”

(It doesn’t end there. She comes back fully expecting to get her money back because she thought we put water in her washer fluid reservoir. Instead, my manager gives her a free bottle of washer fluid.)

Manager: “Don’t trust the washer fluid we put in there? Have a whole bottle of it; drink it all, if you want!”

(The customer left angry, speeding out so fast she nearly hit someone who was trying to back out. The customer was young and pregnant. One of my other coworkers joked that her baby is gonna come out with a blood type of 5W-30.)

Scared Spitless

, , , , , , | Right | October 31, 2018

(While working the photo lab area on Halloween, I decide to wear a homemade mask I made four years ago. The mask is of the scary face, bulging bloodshot eyes, and very long nose of a character from a popular RPG series. While a fun mask to wear — customers get a kick out of it — how I made it has the unfortunate side effect of limiting my vision and making it a little hard to breathe. Occasionally I take it off and leave it on the counter. On one such occasion, while I’m helping one customer, another decides to put it on and take a selfie, thinking it might be a cool, store-bought mask. While I probably wouldn’t have minded if they had asked, I decide to have little fun at her expense.)

Me: “Do you realize how much saliva I put into that thing?”

Customer: “EW!” *throws mask across the counter*

(And that, my friends, is why you don’t try every mask you see.)

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