You Passed The Smell Test

, , , , , | Working | January 7, 2019

(I have had trouble with a delivery company for many years. I can’t even count the number of complaints I have filed over the years. They don’t like to drive down my long driveway in the rural area I live in, so they keep leaving my packages on a neighbor’s front porch. The neighbor, while nice, is a heavy smoker. And when I say, “heavy smoker,” I mean that when she opens her front door, you can see the smoke roll out. On top of that, she has two dogs that she keeps in kennels in her living room while she works. When they have accidents, they dig the poop out and splatter it on the walls. There are no words to describe the horrible smell of her home. Whenever I have a package coming, I try to watch the tracking and run over to her front porch and get it before she gets home. One week I have a lot going on and forget about it. Several days later, the neighbor hands me my package of books. The box stinks so bad I decide I’m not even going to open it. I call the company that sent it, complain, and demand the delivery company come back, pick it up, and pay for a replacement because I will not accept it. They did so, and that evening I get a call from the manager at the hub.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this is [Delivery Company]. I am calling to apologize.”

Me: “Let me guess; you are the lucky duck that got to open that package, huh?”

Manager: “I… I… don’t even know what to say. The smell knocked us back. It stunk up the whole back of the truck. I will be honest, all the complaints… We thought you were just being a bad customer. I’m… We’re sorry. I promise you will never have an issue again. We are contacting the company that shipped this and we will pay for a replacement.”

(And no, I never had another issue with the delivery company putting my packages on a neighbor’s front porch.)

The Number One Problem With Coffee Machines These Days

, , , , | Right | January 7, 2019

(A customer is calling about their coffee machine.)

Caller: “For lack of a better word, my machine is peeing all over my counter.”

Me: *pause* “Leaking?”

Caller: “Yeah! Peeing!”

Showtime Number Two

, , , | Right | January 2, 2019

(I am currently working the box office shift at a very small, locally-owned movie theater. We are currently in the middle of a showtime, which means we will have virtually no traffic in the lobby for roughly two more hours until the movies end. During these two hours, my manager and I notice the same man exiting his movie several times and entering the bathroom, but think nothing of it. Eventually, another employee goes in to check all the auditoriums and notifies us that the man has fallen asleep. After the movie lets out, we send them back in to make sure he has woken up and left. A few minutes later, they return with a clearly concerned expression on their face.)

Coworker: “The old man left, but he didn’t take his diaper with him.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, what?”

Coworker: “He left his used, dirty diaper on the floor of the auditorium, along with some dirty napkins it looks like he used to clean himself.”

(The coworker ended up having to clean it, and I am still in shock. How can you go to the bathroom so many times and not only take the used diaper back with you instead of throwing it away in a provided trash can, but also leave it on the floor for some poor, underpaid employee to clean up?)

A Graphic Train Of Thought

, , , , | Healthy | December 28, 2018

I’m notorious for not really thinking before I speak. Some people like it because they can count on me telling the truth, but others hate the fact that I say inappropriate things sometimes.

This is pertinent when I’m on a national rail service train. I have just spent three hours with my dad in an Urgent Care drop-in centre because a relatively recent piercing I got became infected. My mum isn’t with us as she stayed in London while we went to Nottingham.

She calls me on the train to check how I am after my dad texted her before we were seen by a nurse. I tell her the whole story.

As I’m telling it, I start to notice people around me looking uncomfortable, and one man puts his food away. I realise that I’ve just described, in graphic detail, how there had been clear fluid and blood leaking from my ear, as well as how, when I took the piercing out, I lost my grip on the front of the earring and pulled the 3-mm ball through my piercing, making it bleed all the more. I quickly change tack to a more vanilla version of events.

To all the poor people who shared that train with me, I’m deeply sorry for subjecting you to that and putting you off your food. On the plus side, I caught the infection before it got really bad, so there’ll be no even worse stories for me to horrify strangers with.

Well, That Holiday Went Right Down The Crapper

, , , , , | Related | December 26, 2018

(It’s Christmas Day and we are at the in-laws’ house. My brother- and sister-in-law turn up with just the younger of their two sons.)

Mother-In-Law: “Where’s [Older Son]? Is he sick?”

Brother-In-Law: “No, it’s worse than being sick; he’s on call and was called in for an emergency.”

Mother-In-Law: “What sort of emergency?”

Brother-In-Law: “The plumbing kind.”

(Later, [Nephew] stops in to say hello on his way between jobs. I go in for a hug but he backs off.)

Nephew: “Don’t touch me! Um… Sorry, that came out wrong. Please don’t touch me; I’m covered in s***.”

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