Who Needs A Soap With This Kind Of Drama

, , , , , , , | Related | February 4, 2018

(While attending post-secondary school, I share an apartment with two of my cousins, one of whom attends a different school. My program is only two years, while hers is four, so immediately after I complete my program, I have to travel away for a job. As I’m not totally moving, I keep paying my share of the rent, so I can have a room to come home to when I have days off from the job. I am at the apartment for perhaps ten days over a three-month period, May to July. My aunt, my cousins’ mom, has come to visit for a few days, in July. The apartment is a complete and utter disaster; there is a horrific fruit fly infestation and mold on dishes waiting by the sink. It’s disgusting. I am in town, as well.)

Aunt: “[Cousins #1 & #2]! This is a complete pigsty! How did it get like this? Have you guys not been doing your chores at all?”

Cousin #1: “Well, I’ve been too busy with school. I was so behind on so many assignments! My professor gave me a summer extension.”

Cousin #2: “It wasn’t my turn to do the dishes.”

Aunt: “Well, whose turn was it?”

Cousin #2: “It was [My Name]’s!”

Aunt: “But hasn’t [My Name] been away for work since May?”

Cousin #2: “Well, yes, but—”

Aunt: “So, you haven’t done any dishes since she left?”

Cousin #2: “But it was her turn!”

Aunt: “Were the dishes done before she left?”

Cousin #1: “Yes, because it was my turn before her.”

Aunt: “So, what you’re saying is that you used dishes, cooked, and so on, and left the dirty dishes for [My Name] to clean up, even though she wasn’t actually living here, and kept piling them up, waiting for her to come do them, because it was her turn?”

Cousins: “Yes!”

Aunt: “SOAP. GLOVES. NOW.”

(It was a huge relief to have them put in their place. They are wonderful girls, but it was absolutely ridiculous that they somehow expected me to be responsible for cleaning up after them when I wasn’t even living in the apartment. One cousin had to do all dishes, while I helped the other scrub out the cupboard to get rid of the fruit flies. Tip: apple cider vinegar will draw them. I now have a major sensitivity to fruit flies, and deep-clean my own house anytime even one shows up.)

Wait For It To Come While I Go

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 3, 2018

I work at a higher-end grocery store in New York on the maintenance crew. I am a girl, and my job on maintenance is to basically get into the women’s bathroom every so often and restock supplies and wipe down the counters. Nothing too bad.

I was in there today, waiting to replace toilet paper in an occupied stall. An older woman, at least in her 70s, came out and asked if I needed to get into the stall. I told her yes, and she said she would do it for me, but I told her I would get in when she was finished doing her business.

She walked out of the stall and told me just how much she had to take a dump, in detail, and how she kept walking around the bathroom as she “waited for it to come.” She also told me how much she hated doing this in public. She talked and rambled for around five minutes.

I had absolutely no idea how to respond, but was polite and listened as she was old, no matter how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Allow Me To Illustrate The Point

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 1, 2018

I work as a medical illustrator, drawing injuries and surgeries for legal purposes — used as courtroom exhibits, mediation materials, etc. Most of the time, the cases that cross my desk are the same run-of-the-mill kinds over and over, but every once in a while, we get very interesting and challenging cases to illustrate.

My most memorable case involved a man with a tumor that had grown in almost the exact middle of his head, sort of at the very back of his throat, near the base of his skull. It had grown monstrously and required a surgery to remove it to improve quality of life. But the only way to get to it required some extreme measures, and I’ll never forget the surgeon’s notes in which he described the procedure. This is a bit gruesome, if you’re squeamish.

It required lifting away the bottom of the face from the skull and cutting the mandible — jaw bone — down the middle, then prying the jaw apart to either side. While the surgeon provided no sketches to help me visualize this, he made it clear enough when he mentioned it was commonly known as “the Predator cut.”

They also then removed half the jawbone. It was surprising to learn how they reconstruct the face afterwards; they simply carve up segments from your fibula — the small bone in your lower leg — and make a new L-shaped jaw out of it!

Nobody Nose It Like Men

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 31, 2018

(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)

Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”

Anna: “Picks his nose?”

Kristoff: “And eats it.”

Anna: “Excuse me, sir. He is a prince.”

Kristoff: “All men do it.”

(My mom accuses my dad playfully.)

Mom: “Do you?”

(My dad doesn’t respond. My mom repeats the question several times, more and more seriously and surprised.)

Dad: “Just drop it, okay?”

(I guess that line is more accurate than most people expected!)

Poopoo Away, Will You?

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 29, 2018

(I am working out in the gym. There are two ladies on exercise bikes, and one guy seems a little too interested. The guy approaches the two women, with flirtatious eyebrows at the ready.)

Woman #1: “Uh, you might not want to come over here, dude. I just farted. It’s bad.”

Guy: *looks horrified and leaves*

Woman #2: “Oh, my God… Did you really?”

Woman #1: “Psh. No.”

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