A Couch Cheese-Potato

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(I just started working at a game store that has an upper floor where people can go play games in private, and can also order some snacks. My new boss is telling me that before closing time I must go and clean the gaming rooms.)

Boss: “Be sure to check everywhere. You’ll be surprised by the ways customers can dirty up the place.”

(I go ahead and clean up the place. I do find a surprise while doing so, and when finish, I relate to my boss:)

Me: “Seems one of the kids that was here earlier didn’t finish his cheese snack and, for whatever weird reason, decided that the best course of action was to stuff the half-finished bag inside the couch.”

Boss: *chuckles* “I wish I could tell you that’s the weirdest thing I’ve found.”

Taking Advantage Of Some Crappy Sales

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(A semi-regular customer I’ve helped a few times in the past comes up to my register with only a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Well, I was going to ask how your day was going, but now I feel like I don’t want to know.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been pretty s***** — pun intended — for sure.”

Me: “I feel like I should let you know that the plumbing gloves happen to be on sale this week! The ones that go up past your elbow, you know?”

Customer: *pauses, thinking* “I’ll be right back.”

That’s The Problem With Going In As Number Two

, , , , | Romantic | December 10, 2017

(We only have one bathroom.)

Partner: “I’m about to take a shower. You want to use the bathroom first?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I accidentally end up spending 15 minutes in there. As I exit, I turn on the fan.)

Me: “So… About your shower.”

Partner: “Yeah. I think I’ll wait on that.”

You’ll Need Counseling After Their Counseling

, , , , | Right | December 5, 2017

(I’m the receptionist of a small counseling office. One of the counselors has been providing services to a married couple who have been rude from day one. They are easily one of the worst couples to come through in my time at this job, and to make matters worse, they always bring their two children, a four-year-old who clearly has no rules or boundaries, and an infant who is the only one in the family who isn’t a problem. Yet. This particular day, they only have the infant with them. I inwardly cringe when they walk in, but greet them like I do everyone else.)

Me: “Good morning! Here to see [Counselor]?”

Wife: *nods but otherwise makes no indication that she realizes I exist*

Me: “Great. Go ahead and have a seat, and I’ll let [Counselor] know you’re here.”

(While I’m paging the counselor, the baby starts to scream, and I hear the woman say that the baby has spit up. She comes up to the counter to grab some tissues and stands there cleaning up the baby. She makes no effort to move when I have to answer an incoming call, even though she’s standing with her screaming baby not even two feet from me. I’m forced to put the caller on hold and go to the other workstation, as it sounds like a crisis call and I need to be able to actually HEAR what the caller is saying so I can handle it properly. It is a crisis, and I transfer it back to the appropriate counselor.)

Me: *moving back to my workstation* “Do you need me to get you anything to help?”

Wife: *ignores me and goes to sit back down*

(The phone rang again, pulling my attention away, and the counselor got them about a minute later while I was still handling the call. When I finished, I notice that the woman left the spit-up covered tissues on the reception counter. There was a trash can literally right beneath the counter where she left them. I cleaned everything up and sanitized the hell out of the counter – and my hands – and prayed for the day when they were done with counseling.)

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Venison Pizza, Anybody?

, , , , , , | Working | December 5, 2017

(Since our grocery store is undergoing a remodel, the bosses decide to ship the members of my department to another store to learn all the new stations and recipes we will need. This results in three of us — a female coworker, a male coworker, and me — having to drive an hour and a half to the other store and back via two rural highways for five days straight. My female coworker has never driven in her 30+ years and is an interesting passenger at best. She’s also not the brightest bulb. Being the driver and having to leave well before sunup, I’ve seen plenty of road-kill during our trip, though it was mostly smaller critters — rabbits, coyotes — but on the third day, we encounter a bloody mess that would do any horror movie proud. Best guess is that an 18-wheeler hit a deer because there is blood and matter spattered across both lanes of the highway, with brown furred chunks big enough they actually cause a speed bump effect on my little car. My female coworker happens to be in the passenger’s seat and gets a high-beam-lit view of the carnage before it passes under the car and I exclaim.)

Me: “What a mess!”

Coworker: “Was that a pizza?”

Me: “What?! No! That was a deer or something!”

Coworker: “Oh! I thought it was a pizza that fell out the back of a truck.”

(According to my male coworker the ignorance of this statement was enough to wake him up, and we spent the rest of the week asking if any random mess was pizza.)

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