Poopoo Away, Will You?

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 29, 2018

(I am working out in the gym. There are two ladies on exercise bikes, and one guy seems a little too interested. The guy approaches the two women, with flirtatious eyebrows at the ready.)

Woman #1: “Uh, you might not want to come over here, dude. I just farted. It’s bad.”

Guy: *looks horrified and leaves*

Woman #2: “Oh, my God… Did you really?”

Woman #1: “Psh. No.”

This Customer Isn’t As Sharp As The Average Razor

, , , , , , , | Right | January 25, 2018

(I’m working with my manager one day, when a customer comes in with a bag of shaving supply items that he purchased two months ago. We don’t accept returns on items over 15 days, but he won’t leave the store.)

Manager: “Go ahead and do a return. Just make sure the items haven’t been used; the shaving stand should be fine, though.”

Customer: “What do you mean? What if I tried the razor and didn’t like it?”

Me: “We wouldn’t be able to return it because of hygiene concerns.”

Customer: “But I only used the effing thing three times! You can resell them!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take back or resell shaving items that have been used. It’s like with underwear; we wouldn’t be allowed to take back used underwear, because it’s gross.”

(After he argued with me, we found out he used every item he had purchased, and the shaving stand was broken, so we couldn’t return that, either. He left the store and came back the next day with the same items, hoping I wasn’t in, so he could return them.)

Fus Ro Darn, This Place Is A Mess

, , , , , | Related | January 25, 2018

(My grandmother’s been sick for a while, to the point where her household chores have been neglected. Her house is horrifying as a result, to say the least. My sister and I go over to help her out while she’s in the hospital for, hopefully, her final surgery. My sister takes the bathroom while I tidy the kitchen.)

Sister: “It’s like a gas station bathroom in there, so wish me luck.”

Me: “All right. I wish you luck.”

(After a while I hear an exasperated sigh, and she comes back out and grabs her iPod and speaker dock.)

Sister: “Your luck’s not working. I’m going to have to try something else.”

(After a while I hear epic music coming from the bathroom at full volume.)

Me: “Are you listening to a metal cover of the Skyrim theme to motivate yourself to clean the bathroom?”

Sister: “Actually, I’m hoping it will give me the power to dragon shout the bathroom away, so I don’t have to clean it anymore!”

The Crap That Comes Out Of Your Mouth

, , , , , | Healthy | January 24, 2018

(We have just finished working with a cat who was so scared of being at the vet that she soiled herself, and then got it everywhere. I have finished cleaning the treatment area but have yet to wash my hands. As with all health fields, it’s common knowledge that anything on your hands will eventually end up in your mouth if you don’t wash them.)

Vet: “Would you like to look at her ear slide?”

Me: “Sure. Let me just wash my hands first.”

Vet: *jokingly* “You mean you don’t want to end up eating poop?”

(I start giggling.)

Me: “It’s not that I don’t want to ingest poop; I just don’t want to smell it on my hands!”

This Store Is All Going To Pot(ty)

, , , , | Right | January 23, 2018

(I work at the deli in a supermarket in a small town. The following is something I overhear whilst on my lunch break. My manager comes into the staff room and starts talking to some of the other managers.)

Deli Manager: “I just caught a customer putting down a potty and trying to potty train their kid down aisle four!” *the fresh meat aisle* “They had toilet paper with them and everything! I was almost afraid to approach her. I can see the newspaper headlines now: ‘[Store Chain] Against Potty Training!’”

(I still don’t know what my manager said to the customer or how they responded, but it is the weirdest thing I’ve heard during all the years I’ve worked at that store.)

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