Maybe Best This Guy Doesn’t Breed, Anyway

, , , , | Right | May 11, 2018

(I work at a retail chain as my first job. One day a young man comes in and puts a one-dollar pregnancy test on my counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: *looking at the test laying on my counter, out of the box* “Um… What’s wrong?”

Customer: “It didn’t work. I want another one.”

Me: “It didn’t work?”

Customer: “Yeah, my girlfriend used it. It didn’t work.”

(I called the manager, who seemed just as shocked as me that the man had laid a used pregnancy test on our counter, but he let the young man exchange it for another one. I poked the used thing into a trash can with a piece of cardboard and scrubbed at the counter for some time.)

This Manager Has You Down In The Gutter

, , , , , | Working | May 9, 2018

When I was still a teenager, I worked for a country club. The job was very easy most nights, and the clientele was very polite. The only bad thing about it was our general manager. He was a very pompous man who would eat more than he worked and would get in screaming matches with all the staff. The chefs especially hated him because he was always trying to tell them how to do everything, when he knew nothing about food. There was one night, above all others, that encapsulates him as a manager.

We were hosting a wedding, birthday party, golf tournament, and normal dining. We were very understaffed, and I happened to be sick, so we were all floundering. My supervisor put me on the hostess stand where I wouldn’t have to strain myself too much, but I still had quite a bit to do. At one point my GM approached me and demanded I clean the bathrooms. I tend to get very confrontational when I’m sick, and I told him no. I would not be cleaning a bathroom and dealing with food. That was not part of my duties. I guess he wasn’t expecting that from a young girl, and just scampered off.

I found out the next day what had happened. At some point, one of the women in the bridal party got drunk and tried to flush multiple tampons down our toilet. Our sewage is connected to the kitchen, and sewage water from the bathroom flooded the kitchen. My manager tried to get every person on staff to clean it, but they all had the same response as me. Instead of calling in a cleaner, a plumber, or closing down for the night, he told the dishwashers to just occasionally sweep the sewage water out the back door. He closed down both bathrooms with a full house, and we continued to serve food the entire night.

After all that, this man even had the gall to write up each person who had said no to him for “insubordination.” I quit not too long after. He is still the GM, years later.

Time To Make A Stand

, , , , | Healthy | May 9, 2018

(My parents and I are sitting in the ER waiting room, waiting for my mom’s test results to come back. It’s very early in the morning, and the waiting room is quite small, so the few of us in there are all within eyesight of each other, except one woman sitting on the other side of a pillar from us. We’ve been there for a few minutes when a nurse comes in, carrying an armload of cleaning supplies. She walks over to the woman behind the pillar.)

Nurse: “Where was that man sitting?”

Woman: “Oh, three chairs over from me.”

(You can see everyone in the room count three chairs over from this woman… where another woman happens to be sitting. As soon as she realizes this, she tenses up and the guy next to her recoils away. The nurse awkwardly approaches.)

Nurse: “I need to clean this chair. The man who was sitting there had an… um… accident in his pants.”

(She immediately gathered all of her stuff and moved chairs, whispering somewhat-panicked statements to her male companion about whatever it was she was sitting in without realizing. We were called back before her, but the rest of the time we were there, she was sitting on the edge of her new chair, trying to touch as little as possible. You know you’re having a bad day when you’re in the ER at 1:00 am and find out you’re sitting in a stranger’s “accident.”)

Booked Yourself In For Some Weird Meals

, , , , , , | Related | May 5, 2018

(My sister is a giant bookworm. She is always reading, no matter what she’s doing. Cooking, bathroom, watching TV, breaks/lunch at work, she’s reading a book. For showering and driving, she plays an audio book. It can sometimes lead to comedy gold.)

Sister: “Well, this morning I was making a bowl of cereal while also reading my book, so I wasn’t 100% paying attention. I opened the sugar canister and spooned plenty of sugar in, while still reading my book. I took a bite and I got a big mouthful of salt! The canisters look alike! I feel so betrayed.”

Me: *bent over laughing*

Sister: “Oh, that’s not all. While I was on video chat with [Best Friend], I made a sandwich and I went to get the Italian dressing to put on it. Well… I wasn’t paying attention, and the chocolate syrup is next to the Italian dressing in the fridge. I didn’t realize until I already put it on the meat and went to close it. [Best Friend] was laughing her butt off. I rinsed the chocolate off the meat and put Italian dressing. I took a bite and there was still chocolate on the bread! I had to spit it out, and [Best Friend] laughed even harder!”

Me: *laughing and wondering how she made it to 28*

A Selfish Use Of The Book

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A patron approaches me at the circulation desk in our public library.)

Patron: “I have something awkward to tell you.”

Me: “I won’t judge. I promise.”

Patron: “Well, you might.” *she shows me a heavy coffee table book, “Selfish,” Kim Kardashian’s selfie book* “The pages are all stuck together, and I thought you should know I found it like this.”

Me: “Well, it’s in no condition to circulate.”

Patron: “The thing is—” *lowers her voice to a whisper* “I know this smell and it’s a man’s… you know.”

(It took a moment to register, before I nervously called over my more senior coworker for moral support. We chucked the book because it was clear the damage was done within the library, since there was no way we would check a book out to anyone in that condition, nor would we return it to the shelf like that. Neither of us could be sure the sticky stuff was what the patron suggested it could be, but we were taking no chances there.)

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