Unable To Flush That Imagery From Your Mind

, , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2017

(I am waiting for a table outside of a popular restaurant with my friends. A couple in their early 20s comes up and signs the register to queue for a table as well. While they’re waiting, they start talking together about various things. Most of the conversation is pretty normal and boring, until…)

Woman: “I just hate public toilets.”

Man: “Oh, I know. There’s just always some slob who hasn’t cleaned up after themselves.”

Woman: “Uh. No. I meant the seats.”

Man: “What? Like that thing about women not sitting and they pee everywhere?”

Woman: “No! Someone is always closing the toilet seats!”

Man: “What?”

Woman: “You know how there’s a lid? Someone always closes it, and then I have to open it and touch the filthy lid. And it’s just. Ugh.”

Man: “Oh.”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Man: “But you’re supposed to close it so the bacteria doesn’t spray everywhere when you flush. My mum used to chew me out about that every time I didn’t.”

Woman: “Well, at home, sure. That’s your own toilet. In public toilets, I just don’t flush.”

Man: “Oh, my God! You’re one of those?”

Woman: *offended* “What?!”

Man: *laughing* “You’re one of the people that I was talking about, who doesn’t flush after they leave a brick in the bowl. F***, you’re nasty!”

Woman: “You’re disgusting!”

Man: “Says the person who doesn’t flush, and probably doesn’t wash her hands after, either!”

A Sickening Amount Of Fraud

, , , , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(An obviously drunk woman comes up with a paper bag, swaying.)

Woman: “I have… a reservation. [Woman].”

Me: “Okay, can I see the credit card that will be used?”

(She brings the bag up to her nose and THROWS UP in it. My stomach churns and I back off a bit.)

Woman: “My daddy called and said that he was going to pay for it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t give you a room unless I swipe the card.”

Woman: “Why?” *throws up some more*

Me: “It’s the rules.”

Woman: “Can’t you just make an exception for once? I’m sick and everything! Don’t you people have a heart?!”

Me: “No, sorry. It’s to prevent credit card fraud.”

Woman: “Fine!”

(She turned and stumbled away, hopped in her car, and drove off… straight into a street lamp! The cops were called and she was arrested. I wonder if her daddy bailed her out?)

A Couch Cheese-Potato

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(I just started working at a game store that has an upper floor where people can go play games in private, and can also order some snacks. My new boss is telling me that before closing time I must go and clean the gaming rooms.)

Boss: “Be sure to check everywhere. You’ll be surprised by the ways customers can dirty up the place.”

(I go ahead and clean up the place. I do find a surprise while doing so, and when finish, I relate to my boss:)

Me: “Seems one of the kids that was here earlier didn’t finish his cheese snack and, for whatever weird reason, decided that the best course of action was to stuff the half-finished bag inside the couch.”

Boss: *chuckles* “I wish I could tell you that’s the weirdest thing I’ve found.”

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Taking Advantage Of Some Crappy Sales

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(A semi-regular customer I’ve helped a few times in the past comes up to my register with only a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Well, I was going to ask how your day was going, but now I feel like I don’t want to know.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been pretty s***** — pun intended — for sure.”

Me: “I feel like I should let you know that the plumbing gloves happen to be on sale this week! The ones that go up past your elbow, you know?”

Customer: *pauses, thinking* “I’ll be right back.”

That’s The Problem With Going In As Number Two

, , , , | Romantic | December 10, 2017

(We only have one bathroom.)

Partner: “I’m about to take a shower. You want to use the bathroom first?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I accidentally end up spending 15 minutes in there. As I exit, I turn on the fan.)

Me: “So… About your shower.”

Partner: “Yeah. I think I’ll wait on that.”

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