A customer in line places an assortment of tools on the counter and says:

Customer: “What sort of discount are you going to give me because I can buy these tools elsewhere?”

Me: “Go elsewhere.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Go elsewhere. I don’t get commission. I don’t give a s** where you choose to be a pain in the a**. Oh, and add on the cost of the gas and time it takes you to go elsewhere to buy those tools.”

Customer: “You could have just said ‘no’, you know.”

Me: “And you could have just bought the item quietly like all the other customers.”

He finished the purchase in silence, and I didn’t get into trouble (not that it would have mattered, as I was a week away from retirement).

When I was a new IT manager, I was being shown around the finance department, which had a reputation for being slow.

I saw that they would receive an email, print it out, then stamp it with a “Received on [date]” stamp, scan it back in, then upload it to the CRM (Customer Relationship Management) system.

Me: “I say this with as much seriousness as I can muster, but this is a f****** ridiculous system.

Finance Manager: “Meh, we like it.”

They must have indeed liked it, as it kept them busy during the three weeks of the month that it wasn’t month-end.

Then COVID lockdowns happened, and I finally got some time and automated the email attaching into CRM with a timestamp from when it was received by our mail server. The head office also automated a bunch more things that used to be done manually while the department was on furlough.

After furlough, they realised they didn’t need six people, and four of them never came back.

I bumped into one of them about three months later in a grocery store. He got enough out of them to be able to take early retirement, as did his other colleagues, so they were all fairly happy.

In November 2017, our company eliminated a department because the volume of the product they handled had drastically decreased, and natural attrition wasn’t decreasing enough, as we had very low turnover. The powers that be decided we no longer needed the department in a high-cost-of-living location and were moving it to Middle America, where we already had a small version of the same department and wouldn’t need to hire that many to make up for our department’s shutdown.

As such, everyone in the department was given the opportunity to interview for other positions in our company or to take paid time off to interview at other companies. Our company also hired a consultant to assist with updating resumes, give mock interviews, and even provide referrals. The date for the “layoff” was 4/1/2018, which gave everyone five months to move on. People who were unable to find another position or chose to retire were given one week’s salary for every year they were here, with a minimum of two weeks. They would also pay for COBRA during that same amount of time. (Note: You had to stay until the last day to qualify for this; if you left before, you were not eligible for the payout. Yes, some people double-dipped having a position that started after that date, but not many.)

Now to back up, this department is a call center. These are phone agents. I’m not saying that they are at the bottom of the totem pole and should be treated differently, but these are no-experience-needed positions as long as you can read/write and use basic PC skills. So, for the company to take such care while we were in an “at-will” state was far beyond what is normal.

Enter Bob. Bob had been with the company as a front-line phone agent for fifteen years. They had zero desire to move up or move to another position in the company. Which is fine; he was in his 60s and wanted an easy job that never changed, which, for the most part, this position was.

Every week, I would check in with everyone on my team to make sure they were doing okay, and if I could help them get time off to interview, etc. Every week, Bob said he was good and didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. Our team meetings, which took place monthly during this time, focused mainly on how everyone was doing and whether they had gotten another job; for those who had, we would congratulate them.

On the Friday before the closure, I made sure to say bye to Bob as he worked Monday – Friday and would not be there on the last day, which was a Saturday. I told him that he was one of my favorite employees and always reminded me of the grandpa in Up, as he looked so tough but was really very sweet. I sent him over to HR so they could give him his final paperwork and sign anything if needed.

Of the hundred agents on the last day, only fifteen remained. Everyone thought they would be on the phones that last Saturday, but the company threw a small party with catered food, gave out some gift cards, and let the agents take home their PC Monitors if they wanted them, since they were all going to be recycled.

I happened to get another position in the company, as I was in the same boat as everyone else. During all of this, I didn’t clean out my supervisor’s “Cube” because I was trying to help everyone else. I get in early on Monday so I can take everything down and pack what I was going to take to my new office (with real walls!).

As I’m packing up my stuff, I hear someone nearby, which is odd as the entire room should be silent. I get up and try to find out who is here with me, and I see Bob sitting at his desk and taking calls. I waited for the call to end, logged him out, and asked what he was doing here. He said that he was working and asked what I wanted. Confused, I stated that I said good-bye to him Friday and asked what happened when he went to HR.

He said that he didn’t go. I asked him why, and he said he didn’t understand the joke, so he didn’t participate like everyone else. Even more confused, I asked him what he was talking about. He said the April Fools’ joke.

I’m dumbfounded at this point and asked if he could elaborate. He said the joke about the call center shutting down on April 1st. That it was all a joke, and that people will be so upset when they figure it out. Still not fully understanding, I said that the call center is shut down. That everyone has moved on to other positions or took the payout, as he did. He repeated that he still doesn’t understand the joke, but he needed to get back on the phones as there were calls in the queue.

Now, this is where the company made a mistake. For some reason, his access wasn’t turned off on Friday, and they still had access to everything, including calls routing to him, as we still had calls, but those were now being answered by the forty people in our other call center.

Not wanting to cause further issues, I went back to my desk, called HR, and let them know what was going on. HR made me repeat everything to them as they didn’t understand what was going on. During all of this, I saw the CEO enter the room with several other C-Suite executives, who were going to gut it and turn it into a showroom for clients. I decided to go over to the CEO and let them know what was going on with Bob and that HR was on their way.

The CEO asked how long Bob had been here, and I told him fifteen years. This was the only position he had ever held in the company. They were a retired postal worker and liked having an easy job to come into each day. The CEO and I went over to Bob and had him log out after his call. The CEO shook his hand and introduced him to the other executives. While he’s doing this, I spoke with IT to disable all of their access.

The CEO includes Bob in the tour and shows them the mock-ups for how the room is going to be transformed. By the time I’m done packing up my desk, the CEO has walked Bob out to his car, accompanied by HR, who had him sign the final paperwork. The CEO comes back over to me and laughs at the “April Fools” joke they have been doing for the last five months. He says he felt bad for Bob but thinks he will be okay, as his wife wanted him to retire years ago, and he has nine grandchildren that he doesn’t get to see much.

A memo went out to everyone in management shortly after all of this stating that, going forward, no employee will be let go on April 1st. In addition, we were instructed to hold off on terminations on other dates, including two weeks before Christmas and Thanksgiving week. Since then, every April 1st, the CEO and I exchange memes of people thinking an actual event is a joke.

I have had a coworker for my entire time with the company I am in. For this story, we will call him Bob (names changed).

Bob and I are both in the IT department of a large business in Honolulu. For Bob, this is especially impressive because he first joined up with the company when he was seventeen, worked his way up from an intern to creating and utilizing computer punch cards (yeah, punch cards). 

Over the years, he has maintained a strong understanding of computer technology, remaining in IT as it evolved over his forty-eight-year tenure. Bob loved the company and his position; he always said it had just the right amount of responsibility. Enough to be important, but not enough that he’d be responsible if something collapsed internally.

When people spoke about retiring, he would always deflect them and grumble.

Bob: “I’ll know when it’s my time.”

Bob: “I’ll know when it’s time to go.”

Bob: “I’ll make the right choice when it is time.”

In the seven years that I’ve been working with Bob, he has done the same thing every morning.

He goes to the break room for coffee, then down to the cafeteria for a breakfast plate, returns to his desk, removes the plate, and then turns the bag upside down and dumps out multiple packets of salt and pepper. ketchup and soy sauce, along with napkins and a fork or two. 

A couple of days ago, the following happened:

Bob: “Morning!”

Me: “Morning, Bob, how are you doing?”

Bob: “Good, I’m still not exactly sure what that holiday is about, that June thing, you said you were going to explain it to me, but then we had that issue with the network on four.”

Me: “Ahh, yes.” *I sipped my own coffee as Bob placed his down.*

Bob: “Go on then.”

Me: “Juneteenth is—”

Bob proceeded to turn his bag upside down, the breakfast plate within it slammed into the desktop with authority, an explosion of eggs, rice, spam, and link sausages. The impact also upset his cup of coffee, which tipped over violently.

There were a few seconds of silence before the now coffee-logged Dell OptiPlex on his desk turned off.

Me: “Oh… dear.”

Bob: “I see… hold my calls, please.”

Me: “How do I do—”

Bob walked away.

Me: “—that?

Bob disappeared into the boss’s office and, about ten minutes later, both he and the boss walked out and over to his desk.

Boss: “I see.”

Bob: “That’s what I said.”

Boss: *Turning to Bob and holding out a hand.* “Bob, I respect and accept your immediate retirement. Working with you has been my privilege. Your departure is going to be a loss felt within multiple departments. You were not only a mentor to me when I started here, but to many more who have come and gone.”

Bob shook his hand firmly.

Bob: “Once I clean this up, I’ll—”

Boss: “—Nonsense, Bob. Please… enjoy your retirement. Feel free to visit anytime.”

Bob and the boss went back and forth for another forty-five seconds or so about the mess before Bob relented and started making rounds to say goodbye to everyone. 

Once he left the room to venture to other departments, my boss smiled at me and started slowly cleaning the mess that Bob had left behind. Two other employees and I immediately got up and assisted him. By the time Bob came back with a box for all of his things, the mess was cleaned up, and the PC had been removed.

Bob never really mentioned his workload; he just did it, quietly, meticulously, and efficiently. The work he was doing ended up being split among four other people. 

He sent me an email. He’s already hard at work building an extension for his house so his wife can have a painting room.

You go, Bob.

I’ve been teaching for a good number of decades, and I have reached my endpoint. As my retirement is imminent, and word has spread, many people have given me congratulations, goodbyes, and good riddances. 

The other day, two weeks before the end, I had a new one. 

A detail worth knowing is that there are several retirement pension options with adjusted payouts for teachers here, including lifetime survivor benefits.

A young lady, sixteen-ish going on Mae West, who has never been in one of my classes, came to wish me well. She followed with:

Student: “You know, if I marry you now, I can collect your retirement for the rest of my life. Even when you’re dead.”

I wish I had replied “That would require violating the Mann Act, so I’d lose the pension and you’d never collect. Sorry,” instead of letting my mouth open and close like a goldfish several times trying to find a reply before turning and walking away.