(It is the end of a transaction where the customer hasn’t said a word, but everything has gone smoothly, and he has clearly shown he understands what I’m saying.)

Me: “Okay, your change is $1.76.”

(The customer holds out his hand for his change, and it’s almost completely vertical.)

Me: “Uh… Could you straighten your palm out a little?”

(The customer looks at me, and then tilts his hand a tiny, tiny bit, not nearly enough to make a difference.)

Me: “You might want to flatten it a little more before I give you your coins.”

(I demonstrate. The customer just stares at me and shakes his hand in a clear “give me my money” gesture. I decide I’m being silly and he could easily grab the coins before they slide off his palm. I put the coins in his hand. He does absolutely nothing to hold on to them and they slide off his palm and into the gum rack below the register.)

Me: “Oh… Sorry about that.”

(He gave me this look like all the troubles in the world were my fault, dug his change out, and left. If something like this ever happens again, I’ll just put them on the counter like I should have this time.)

(I work in a pool supply store. Like every business, our hours are posted at the entrance of the store. We are scheduled to be at work 15 minutes before open, as our only pre-opening tasks are to counter the registers and check email. It is currently 17 minutes before open as I pull into the parking lot and walk up to unlock and enter my store. A customer in the parking lot starts walking beside me to the door.)

Customer: “Can you test this water for me?”

Me: “I can once I’m set up. Should be about ten minutes.”

Customer: “I need it done now; I have things to do today! Do you know how much money I spend here? I guess I’m going to your competitor, since you obviously don’t want to help me.”

(I let him walk off without saying a word, knowing full well he’ll be back because all of our competitors are currently closed. Sure enough, he comes back about twenty minutes after we open. My assistant begins testing his pool water.)

Customer: “Let me ask you something. If you owned this store, would you still have treated me like you did earlier?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I have to set up the store in order to be able to assist customers.”

Customer: “Bulls***. You just didn’t want to be bothered. You were too busy drinking your coffee.”

My Assistant: “Sir, we have to put money in the registers before we can open.”

Customer: “You don’t have to count money in order to test my pool water! I spend a ton of money here. Do you think I’m going to rob you?!”

Me: *instead of continuing this pointless exchange, I hand him my business card* “Sir, here is my card, with our corporate number on the back, if you wish to complain further.”

Customer: “I don’t need that. They probably don’t care any more than you do. You need to learn how to run a business. I just don’t understand the youth of today. You’re all lazy!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I remained quiet from there on and let my assistant finish the sample test. The guy left without purchasing anything, mumbling under his breath about my “poor” service. The two customers in line behind him started laughing at him as soon as he left the store. One of those customers was a regular, and he later brought us donuts as a “little something for having to deal with jerks like that.”)

(There’s a little guy, maybe around 10 or 12, looking at some stuff on sale with his mum.)

Kid: “Look, Mum! Fifteen dollars! I can get it!”

Mum: “There’s tax on top of that.”

Kid: *picks it up and looks on top* “Where?”

(I work at a major electronic retailer. After the holidays, we look at every four-foot section in the store, tear it apart, clean it, and redo it. It has taken us longer this year since corporate was unsure how they wanted it done. This occurs while one aisle is undergoing planogram changes.)

Customer: “Are you guys going out of business?!”

Me: “No? Why would you think that?”

Customer: *looks annoyed and gestures vaguely around store* “All of the empty shelves!”

Me: “Oh! Every year after the holidays we do planogram changes, so we move product and shelving around. I assure you, we are not going out of business.”

Customer: *snorts* “Yeah, sure.” *starts leaving with her son* “I think they’re going out of business.”

(Lady, we’re the only electronic retailer in the area; you’d better hope we’re not going out of business!)

(I’m a cashier. I would describe myself as tall and blond, and I have only one hand.)

Customer: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like a celebrity?”

Me: “Once in a while. Which one are you thinking of?”

Customer: “One of the guys from Home Alone. Hmm…”

Me: “Oh, which character?”

Customer: “One of the crooks.”