(I am an assistant at a store. We wear red shirts and jeans or khakis. Typically we only have two to three people on staff per shift. My cashier hands me the phone.)

Customer: “I was just in there. I bought a lot of things, and a young man said he was told by the employees to take my things out to my car for me. He walked out, didn’t put them in my car, and said, ‘Bye, b****,’ and took off with my bags.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but there is not very much I can help you with. Would you like to file a police report? I might actually be able to pull up the video if you give me the time this happened. I could even burn you a copy to give to the police.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to file a police report. The man said your employees told him to help me to my car; I need you to fix it.”

Me: “I don’t think I can help you, other than with a DVD of the incident. Was he wearing our uniform? Did you ask the cashier for help? I don’t see how we are at fault. I do apologize that this happened, but there really isn’t much I can do.”

(She continued to repeat herself and ask for someone higher up, so I asked her to call in or come back Monday morning. I got curious, checked the video, and found the man she claimed took her items. I went over and over the video; he bought dog food and toilet paper bagged in two separate bags. He did pick up two of her bags, but he also did take them to her car, and as I saw him leave he only had his two bags. Not sure if she was trying to scam us or genuinely believed the bags in his hands were hers.)

(Recently an old classmate hit me up. Last thing I’d heard from him he’d dropped out of studying economics and started a novelty shop. Apparently business isn’t going great.)

Classmate: “You have a degree in computer science, right? You see, I’ve had an idea on how to improve business, which you could help me with. I want to introduce a card with which you can buy in my store and pay later, and I don’t know how to do this.”

Me: “Umm, you’re describing credit cards. I don’t think this is going to help you. People already know about those…”

Classmate: “No, no. Not like a credit card. I want something like those gift cards with a magnetic stripe. Only that you can pay later.”

Me: “Okay, but then you’d have to bill them, and we’re basically back to credit cards.”

Classmate: “No. You. Don’t. Understand. I don’t want them to sign up or something. People hate that! Just get a card, pay with it, and settle the bill when you want to.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea, sorry. Why would they pay the money ba—”

Classmate: *interrupting me* “I’m going to stop you right there. You’re a computer scientist, not a businessman. Fine. If you don’t want to help me, I’ll just find someone else!” *hangs up*

(He really found someone who’d help him make anonymous gift cards where you can accumulate debt. And it really did improve business… at least for the two months, until he had to close down. A shame he didn’t sell something better. I would have run up quite the tab otherwise.)

(The company I work for has been around for a few decades, but about two years ago it underwent a name change and rebranding effort. The whole store looks different, to accommodate the name change and new logo, including the outdoor nameplate. The two names are not remotely similar, but the store is in the same location. We also have a 60 day return policy. I am manning the registers when a customer comes in with a bag with the old logo.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this, please, but I don’t have my receipt.”

Me: “Okay, we can look it up on your card to see if it’ll show up.”

(I haven’t yet seen the bag fully at this point, so I hadn’t noticed the old logo. We try both of his cards, but can’t find any transactions, so I call over my manager to see about getting store credit. Then he puts the items on the counter.)

Manager: “Oh, these are [Old Store Name] bags and barcode labels. We changed name about two years ago, and we have a sixty-day return policy.”

Customer: “Really? I can’t even get in-store credit for them?”

Manager: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “Oh… okay, I guess. Can I leave them up here while I do my shopping?”

(We held the bag up at the front while he shopped, and he ended up only buying a water. I can’t see how he let this stuff sit in his home or car, in the original bag, for well over two years before he finally got around to returning it.)

I’m working the till at a large cosmetic store. Two customers approach the counter and one sets their items down.)

Me: “Thank you for your patience. What’s your phone number for your rewards card?”

Customer #1: *stares at [Customer #2], who is on her phone*

Me: *turning to [Customer #2]* “Phone number for rewards card?”

Customer #2:: *holds up online coupon* “I have this!”

Me: “All right, we’ll get that on here in just a moment. Do you have a rewards card?”

Customer #2: *shoves the phone in my face and loudly proclaims* “THIS is what I have!”

Me: “All right, ma’am.”

(I ring up their items, and they pay and leave. [Customer #2] comes storming back a few minutes later, waving her receipt.)

Customer #2: “WHY ISN’T MY REWARDS CARD ON HERE?! YOU PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHEAT ME OUT OF MY POINTS!”

Me: *stunned speechless*

Related:
Stupidity Is Its Own Reward, Part 5
Stupidity Is Its Own Reward, Part 4
Stupidity Is Its Own Reward, Part 3

(I’m a cashier, ringing out a customer. She’s buying five cases of soda. She had other items before the sodas, so math would be needed to check how much the sodas were together.)

Customer: “Those sodas were on sale, right? Five for five dollars?”

Me: “Yep! The last one rang up for free.”

Customer: “No, I should be getting them for one dollar each.”

Me: “You are, see? These four are $1.25 each and the last is free. So it still adds up to five for five.”

Customer: “I’m not getting one free. I’m getting them for one dollar each.”

Me: “It’s still five for five. Even though the register shows it weird, it still adds up. Don’t worry.”

(She was still insisting it was one dollar each and that she was not getting one free as she ran her card, then left.)