Customer: “I want to exchange this bottle of vitamins. It melted.”

Me: “No problem. Do you want to grab another one and come back to me?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(The customer goes to get the vitamins and I help the next person. Then she comes back.)

Me: “It will just take a minute.”

(I complete the return and give the customer the receipt. As I do this, I really take a good look at the bottle. These are children’s gummy vitamins, and the entire bottle is completely gelled, like it has been liquefied and then cooled.)

Me: “Whoa! Did you find this on the shelf like this?!”

Customer: “No. My husband left it in the car for an hour while he was in the doctor’s office last week.”

(I guess I’d better start asking more questions.)

(I am hired by a chain that is opening a new location. The AC hasn’t been hooked up yet, so we have the door propped open. The doorway is completely blocked by an easel and sign saying, “COMING SOON,” and listing the date we will open the new store. While we are unpacking boxes, we hear a scrape of metal on concrete. Sure enough, somebody is dragging the sign out of the doorway, and trying to come in.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we are not open to customers. You will have to come back Friday.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. I don’t want to buy anything; I just want to look around.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are not open yet. We are still building racks and unpacking boxes. You will have to come back Friday, when we open.”

Customer: “It’s okay; I have a store credit card. I just want to look around, before all the good stuff is gone.”

Me: “Ma’am, our other location at [Intersection] is open today, and they carry the same product. If you want to shop here, you will have to come back Friday when we open.”

(By this time, she has worked her way inside the store.)

Customer: “Oh! There’s no merchandise! There aren’t even any racks put together! When will you have merchandise?”

Me: “We will have everything ready for our grand opening on Friday.”

Customer: “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to come back on Friday!”

(I work at a very popular discount store in a shopping center. We get employees from other stores in here all the time to get drinks and snacks before their shifts. A woman wearing another store uniform comes up to my register with a soda and chips when I notice something. I finish scanning her order and motion her towards me, covering the side of my mouth to let her know her zipper is down without embarrassing her.)

Next Customer: *slams her hand on the counter* “No, do not do this. I’m very late and you guys always do this.”

(I look at the customer, slightly confused, but tell the girl again since she didn’t hear me the first time.)

Next Customer: *gets angrier* “Seriously?! I’m late, and you’re sitting here gossiping! You guys always do this!”

Me: *turns to her* “Ma’am, I have never met this girl in my life before, but she’s just about to go to work with her zipper down. How would you feel going to work, interacting with customers and other employees for eight hours, and going home, just to find out your zipper was down the entire time?”

Next Customer: *stutters and turns bright red* “Well… I’m late and I need to go.”

Me: “Okay, just a moment.” *turns back to the girl and finishes her transaction*

Girl: “Thank you so much, [My Name]!” *smiles and walks away*

([Next Customer] was quiet throughout her whole transaction, still beet red.)

(We are changing the layout of our store.)

Old Woman: *sweetly* “Excuse me, dear. Do you know where the paper towels are? These changes are really confusing.”

Me: “I fully understand. Aisle eight, two down from here.”

Old Woman: “Thanks.”

(A few minutes later, I see her wandering around, looking ticked off. Suddenly…)

Old Woman: *tilts head back, screaming to the ceiling* “WHERE IN H***’D THEY HIDE THE TATER CHIPS?!”

(I backed into an aisle and couldn’t breathe for several minutes, I was laughing so hard.)

(I work in a store that sells clothing as well as other items. This happens to me on a daily basis in the fitting rooms.)

Customer: “I have [number] items.”

(Then they walk right in with shopping cart full of items; sometimes not all of them are clothing items.)

Me: *ushering them back out* “You will have to leave your cart outside the fitting rooms, and I have to count your items.”

Customer: “But I told you I have [number]! Why do I have to leave my cart here?”

Me: “It won’t fit inside the fitting room, and if you leave it in the hallway it is a fire hazard. Furthermore, I am being watched on camera—” *points up to camera* “—and if I do not count your items, as is policy, I will lose my job.”

Customer: “But if I leave it out here with you, someone will take my stuff! Just trust me; I only have [number] and I’ll be out right away!”

Me: *sigh* “Put your stuff behind my counter; I will watch it like a hawk.”

(Also a regular occurrence:)

Customer: *walks right past me* “I have to use the washroom.”

Me: “That is actually a family/disabled fitting room.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! It has the washroom symbol! Let me in!”

(The room has a wheelchair symbol, but nothing to indicate it is a washroom, because, well, it isn’t one.)

Me: “I will show you if you wish, but there is no toilet.”

Customer: “Well, why do you have a washroom with no toilet?”