(I work in a vegan store, so of course, we don’t sell any dairy products.)

Customer: “In which shelf do you have goat milk?”

Me: “We don’t sell any milk from animals, because we’re a vegan store.”

Customer: *thinks for some seconds* “But goat milk is not from cows; it must be vegan!”

Me: *looks at her* “But goats are also animals. And as I said, we don’t have products from any animal.”

Customer: “Ah, you are right. I never thought about that goats that way.”

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(I live two minutes away from work. I’m pretty close with my coworkers who are in today, so even though I am on my week off, I decide to pop in. I am sitting with [Coworker #1] on his lunch break when [Coworker #2] comes out.)

Coworker #2: “Will one of you two come out here? Got a couple of obvious shoplifters hanging about.”

(I go so that [Coworker #2] can finish his food. I start asking about the moves that they have had to do. One is just finishing, and one is about to start.)

Me: “So, what’s going where with the men’s move?”

([Coworker #2] explains the entire move that I pretty much know about and may not even be in for, but it is an excuse to stand near the pair of shoplifters and look in their direction every now and then.)

Coworker #2: “…and ladies’ steelies on the back of there.”

Me: “Ladies’ steelies? Really? We barely have the stock for half of what they’re expecting us to put out.”

Shoplifter #1: “What did you just say about stealing? We ain’t stealing!”

Me: “Sorry? I said steelies, as in steel-toe caps.”

Shoplifter #1: “You said stealing!”

Shoplifter #2: “What did she say?”

Shoplifter #1: “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Me: “I was talking about steelies, but clearly someone’s paranoid.”

Shoplifter #2: “We ain’t paranoid!”

Shoplifter #1: “Well, maybe I did hear you wrong, so if I did I’m sorry.”

Me: “You genuinely did, so fair enough for apologising. Thank you.”

(The shoplifters started fumbling about, put the three pairs they were messing with back on the shelf, and left, mumbling about how the woman would need a half size, and we don’t do them. I’m sure it shouldn’t have taken three different pairs of the same style to figure that out, but okay.)

(My company sells gravel, and this takes place after pricing a small amount of material for a customer that they could pick up with a trailer.)

Customer: “Hey, what’s your delivery charge to [Nearby Town]?”

Me: “$65, usually.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Really. $65.”

Me: “Yes, sir, or you’re welcome to come pick it up yourself, if you’d like.”

Customer: “Will you give me a discount if I come pick it up?”

Me: “I’m sorry? You wouldn’t have to pay the $65 delivery charge if you picked it up, if that’s what you mean.”

Customer: “No, would you give me a discount other than not paying the delivery? Like take the amount of the delivery off the gravel, too?”

Me: “Um, no, sir. There is no discount for picking up your material.”

Customer: “Well, I just thought I should get a discount.”

(I am with some friends traveling through a small tourist town. We go into a convenience store, where a woman goes nuts and starts screaming at the cashier.)

Woman: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I HAVE TO HAVE AN ID TO BUY CIGARETTES?!”

Cashier: “Miss, the law is clear. I cannot sell you any cigarettes without proper ID.”

Woman: “I want the manager, now!“

(The manager repeats the same thing. The state law is clearly marked on the display case and there is nothing the manager can do. The customer has to show ID. A poor police officer gets in line behind me carrying a large package of bottled water. The woman starts yelling at him.)

Cop: “Lady, what do you expect me to do if you don’t have your ID?”

Woman: “Make them sell me the cigarettes!”

Cop: “I will not demand that they violate the law.”

(The woman starts complaining that it is a stupid law.)

Cop: “Look, lady. I don’t make the law; I only enforce it. You don’t like it, contact your congressman. Now, calm down and leave, or I will arrest you!”

(The poor manager and cashier apologize and get us signed out quickly. I get one of the “rate our store” surveys on my receipt. I decide to call the corporate office and let them know how professional their manager was throughout the whole ordeal. I am told the following.)

Corporate: “Thank you so much for calling. We know exactly what store you are talking about. That nutcase has been calling here screaming and yelling about how we should fire the manager and cashier for following the law. A positive call like yours telling what happened will help them with the regional managers.”

I am shopping in a very touristy shop in a major tourist area, and have piled my arms with souvenirs, some of them quite pricey. I spot a rack of bottles of different flavours of grappa, each with a spout hanging down with a button to express the liquid. Underneath the rack is a shelf containing dozens of tiny, plastic shot glasses of the type commonly used for free samples — some used — as well as giant signs reading, “FREE SAMPLES.” It is completely commonplace for places like this to offer free samples, and in fact, I’ve never seen one that didn’t.

I press the button on one bottle and help myself to a sample — literally about a teaspoon — of some grappa.

Suddenly the owner rushes up to me and snatches the glass from me, screaming, “NO SELF SERVICE!” before pushing me out of the door.

In his rush to get rid of me for committing the crime of tasting one of the free samples, he doesn’t notice my hands are still full of the products I’ve been intending to purchase.

I am not a thief, so I don’t leave with them, but I am not willing to go back inside the shop. I leave the products on the pavement outside. Oh, well, rude shop owner. I hope no one else comes along and steals them!