There Is Such A Thing As A Free Lunch

| | Right | July 14, 2009

(I’m eating lunch at the front desk of our framing shop when I get called to the back. When I return to the front, I notice a customer standing in front of my sandwich at the desk.)

Customer: “Hi.”

Me: “Good afternoon. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “No.” *stares at my sandwich*

Me: “Well, are you in need of assistance?”

(The woman suddenly snatches up my sandwich.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s my lunch. Please give it back to me.”

Customer: “I was walking by and I got hungry.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a deli down the street. Please do not eat my lunch.”

Customer: “But it was on the counter. That means it’s complimentary! It’s my sandwich and I’m going to eat it.”

(At this point, my coworker comes out the back.)

Coworker, to me: “Isn’t that your lunch?”

Customer: “It’s my lunch now! MINE.” *starts eating the sandwich* “This has MAYONNAISE in it!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Ham and mayo.”

Customer: “I hate mayonnaise! It looks and tastes like sperm!” *throws my sandwich on the floor and runs out the door*

Me: “…What just happened?”

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Please See The Sci-Fi Section

| | Right | July 13, 2009

Customer: “What is this Blu-ray thing? Are they like movies?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, they are like DVDs, but with better graphics and sound. Let me show you this packet we have that explains it.”

(I show her the packet.)

Customer: “OK, well, do you have any movies that are 3-D?”

Me: “We have The Polar Express and the Hannah Montana concert, but those are not going to be near the quality that you see in the theaters.”

Customer: “Oh. What about holograms? Do you have any movies on holograms?”

Me: “What? No, those don’t really exist ma’am…”

Customer: “Oh. I’ll just come back later and check then.”

 

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The Right Place At The Wrong Time

| | Right | July 9, 2009

(This took place at the cigar store I work at.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need the biggest cigar you’ve got.”

Me: “OK, our largest is 12 inches long, and the price is $27 before tax.”

Customer: “Whoa! 27 bucks? You got anything cheaper?”

Me: “Well, yes. Is this going to be a gag gift?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “You know, a joke present for someone?”

Customer: “Oh h*** no! I’m just gonna split it and fill it with this.”

(The customer pulls a plastic bag full of marijuana out of his pocket.)

Customer #2: “Wow, that’s some fine-lookin’ weed you got there!”

Customer: “Yeah, I just bought it.”

(Customer #2 pulls out his badge and identifies himself as a county police officer.)

Customer: “Am I in trouble?”

Customer #2: “Yes you are.”

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Customer V2.0: Now With New & Improved Telepathy

| | Right | July 9, 2009

(The store I work in closes at 10:00 PM. It’s 11:30 pm and I’ve finished closing up shop, so I am about to leave. A customer comes up to the door.)

Customer: “Hey are you open?”

Me: “No, we’re closed.”

Customer: “Okay, but you ARE open, right?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t.”

Customer: “But I want to buy something.”

Me: “Sorry, you’ll have to buy it tomorrow.”

Customer: “Fine! You f*%$ing scumbag!”

Me: *thinking: what a b****!*

Customer: “I HEARD THAT!”

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Sticky First Dates

| | Right | July 9, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

Me: “…Semen.”

Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

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