Mrs. Understanding

| Ontario, Canada | Right | March 1, 2010

(A mother and daughter approach the till. The mother neatly places the items they want to take on the counter. The daughter throws an unwanted dress in a heap.)

Mother, to daughter: “No, no, no! You pick that up! You hang that on the hanger! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hang it up and put it away!”

(The daughter starts to hang it up.)

Mother: “You need to understand what it’s like working here! You need to get a job in retail so that you will understand! Everyone should work in retail! When we get home, you’re getting a job in retail!”

(The mother turns to me.)

Mother: “Don’t you think everyone should work here? Isn’t this a terrible job?”

Me: “How about food service?”

Mother: *gasps* “Yes! Yes!” *turns to daughter* “When we get home, you’re getting a job at a restaurant, so you will understand!”

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Brings New Meaning To Hot Food

| Irvine, CA, USA | Right | March 1, 2010

(My stall gives away free home-made fire starters made of small wood chips and wax. We have many signs stating this.)

Customer: “Hi. How much are these?”

Me: “Free, ma’am. Just giving them away to anyone who wants one.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(She takes a big bite out of it.)

Customer: “These are disgusting! How could you give away such gross snacks?”

Me: “These aren’t actually snacks. They’re fire starters.”

Customer: “Not snacks? Then why do they have a sugar glaze on them, smart guy?”

Me: “That’s not a glaze, ma’am. It’s wax. It helps keep the fire starter going.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Then why is the glaze brown? Brown means chocolate!”

Me: “Brown is just the color of the candle we melted.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

(At this point I called over a colleague to set up a demonstration burning in the fire-pit. The woman watches amazed.)

Customer: “They start fires and they’re snacks! Holy s***!”

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Jane Austinpocalypse

| New Hampshire, USA | Right | February 26, 2010

(A teenage customer and his girlfriend are at the checkout.)

Customer: “Does the original Pride and Prejudice actually have zombies in it?”

Me: “Um, no, but we have Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, which has zombies.”

Customer: “But the original Pride and Prejudice doesn’t have zombies? It’s like, a love story?”

Me: “Yes. It was written in the 19th century. No zombies.”

Customer, to girlfriend: “See, I told you so!”

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Unfortunately, The Vice Squad Is All Tied Up At The Moment

| Vancouver, Canada | Right | February 24, 2010

Customer: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself! There are kinky things in the family section!”

Me: “I’m sorry, maybe something got incorrectly shelved. If you could just show me?”

Customer: “Here! Look!”

(He grabs a DVD and waves it under my face. It’s an old episode of Doctor Who which features the main character blindfolded on the cover.)

Me: “Sir, that is an old children’s show. There’s nothing adult, kinky or otherwise, going on there.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! I know filth when I see it!”

Me: “I promise you, this is a popular family show in Britain.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder they’re all perverts over there! I demand you remove this from your shelves! You shouldn’t sell these things if you haven’t even seen them!”

Me: “Actually, I have seen it, and I wholeheartedly approve.”

Customer: “Pervert!”

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Undeveloped Mind

| Cranford, NJ, USA | Right | February 22, 2010

Me: “I am just calling to let you guys know you have pictures here that you dropped off in December.”

Customer: “I don’t have pictures there.”

Me: “Maybe we mislabeled the bag? The pictures are of a family of four celebrating Christmas? Two kids? Boy and girl?”

Customer: “That’s my family, but I don’t have pictures there. To be honest, I think you are trying to scam me into buying pictures I already bought and took home.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “This is the second time you’ve called. I already picked those up and brought them home. You stole those from me and printed them to get more money out of me!”

Me: “Are you saying I broke into your house?”

Customer: “Yes, and I’m calling the police now!”

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