(I do not like using public bathrooms AT ALL. I will avoid them as much as possible. Much to my dismay, I have IBS and sometimes that does strike at the worst possible time. I am doing some shopping, and right at the beginning, it hits me that I need to use the bathroom and soon. I go to the single-occupancy bathroom and begin to do my business. Suddenly, wild knocking begins.)

Me: “Sorry, it’s occupied.”

(I think I’ve been successful, as it quiets down, until I hear more furious knocking, along with a nonchalant female voice.)

Woman: “HELLO? HELLOOOOOOO! HELLOOOO?”

Me: “It’s occupied, sorry!”

(I raise my voice a bit louder, thinking she didn’t hear me the first time. Then she starts forcefully yanking the door handle, jerking it back and forth as if someone were playing a prank on her and holding the door from the inside. I’m trying to do this in peace, and am getting frustrated now.)

Me: “EXCUSE ME, BUT I’M TRYING TO TAKE A S***. IF YOUR NEED FOR A RESTROOM IS THAT DIRE, GO TO THE MEN’S PRIVATE ROOM OR THE HANDICAPPED ONE ON EITHER SIDE OF THIS ONE!”

(It finally stops, and I finish and come out, and the woman throws her hands up.)

Woman: “FINALLY. What were you doing in there? What if I was going to be sick?”

(I shoot her a dirty look and snap back at her.)

Me: “Then I would assume that you would’ve rushed into one other single bathrooms on either side of this one and gotten sick into them. I told you twice that it was occupied and then what I was doing, and you still yanked the door handle like a stupid maniac. You’re lucky I don’t stand out here while you go in and do the same to you.”

(She just huffed and walked away, instead. I guess she wasn’t going to be sick after all. I get that it’s dire sometimes, but if it’s that dire for you to act like a psycho, just throw caution to the wind and use one of the other bathrooms right next to the one that is being occupied.)

(I am at work when a coworker with a customer right behind her comes up to me.)

Coworker: “[My Name], this customer said that you put [item we don’t have] away for her yesterday. Where is it?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t me; I wasn’t here yesterday.”

Customer: *yelling at me* “I KNOW IT WAS YOU BECAUSE I WROTE DOWN YOUR NAME!”

Me: “It wasn’t me. I wasn’t here and we sold out on that product last week.”

Customer: “IT WAS YOU! YOU’RE LYING. YOU’VE WASTED MY TIME! YOU SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED ME!”

Me: “No, honestly, I wasn’t here yesterday and I’ve never seen you before.”

Customer: “WELL, SOMEONE HERE HAS IMPERSONATED YOU THEN! THEY GAVE ME YOUR NAME WHEN I RANG UP YESTERDAY!”

Me: “You rang up? Oh, I think I know what happened. I’ll just check for you.” *picks up the phone and makes a call* “Hello. May I speak to [My Name], please?”  

(After I finish speaking with a coworker from a different location I turn to the customer.)

Me: “It appears that you called [Other Location] store and spoke to [My Name] there; she has your item over there.”

Customer: “I didn’t call [Other Location]! I called here! I got the number from the catalogue; I’ll show you.” *grabs catalogue and points to the number*

Me: “Sorry, but that’s [Other Location], we are [Our Location], the next store down. I can get the item sent here but it will take a few days.”

Customer: “A few days? I have to have it today. How in the h*** am I going to get it now?”

Me: “The only way is to go there yourself. It’s about half an hour away.”

Customer: “What? I have to go there myself just because I got the wrong store?” *storms out*

(My sister and I both work at a 99-cent-only store and my sister is working the morning shift. She’s a cashier so she deals with a lot more customers than I do. The way that the register is set up allows the customers to see the prices pop up on the screen as the items are scanned. For produce you need to punch in a code and weigh the item or enter the quantity. For some of the items, we put four produce items in a bag — in this case bell peppers — and they sell for a dollar. Individual bell peppers are two for a dollar.)

Sister: *ringing up a lady, enters the code for the bagged peppers which comes up to a dollar*

Customer: “Wait, no, no. That should be two for a dollar.”

Sister: “Oh, I’m sorry, but only individual bell peppers are two for a dollar. Our pre-bagged produce is a dollar.”

Customer: “No! There’s a sign over the bell peppers that says two for 99 cents!”

Sister: *being as calm as possible despite how annoyed she was* “I’m sorry, but that’s only for individual bell peppers. All of our produce that is in these green mesh bags cost a dollar.”

(The customer, of course, keeps insisting that she is right and is demanding the “correct price.” My sister is just about ready to call for a manager but instead calls our produce lead over who then explains to the woman the EXACT same thing. I’m unsure of how it all ended but the woman that came after the woman who screamed at my sister for “being wrong” was just flabbergasted.)

Customer #2: “Jesus Christ.”

Sister: “Yep.”

While not a popular item, we sell electric dog collars. I recently received a call from a customer asking how she should go about putting one on a dog…

Her neighbor’s dog.

(Many of the associates in my store have learned that it’s easier to clip our walkie-talkies to our back pockets instead of a front pocket or our belts. It prevents us from constantly whacking the walkies with our arms, hitting it against displays, and so on. One day, a customer sees my walkie clipped onto my back pocket. I’m an overweight female.)

Customer: *insultingly* “I’m surprised your radio doesn’t break when you sit on it.”

Me: “HA! I wish I had the chance to sit down around here! I’ve been here for six hours now and haven’t had a chance to sit down once.”

(In a store with too few employees, we were always SO busy that many of us are forced to skip breaks and only take the barest of lunches on every shift. Ignoring the way this man is commenting on my weight AND has to have been looking at my butt while I work, I try to be civil.)

Me: “And when I do finally get a break, I take this thing off.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(His wife smacked him on the arm, and they paid for their copies and left without another word. I hope she gave him a talking to when they were on their way home!)