Not On The Cutting Edge

| | Right | December 30, 2009

(I receive the following call while working at a home decor store.)

Me: “Hello, [store name], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have table pads?”

Me: “Yes, we have custom ones, and we have ones you can buy here and cut yourself to fit your table.”

Customer: “Okay, how much are the ones you cut?”

Me: “$12.97.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll be in. Thanks.”

(A little while passes and the caller comes in.)

Customer: Hi, I called about the table pads. Could you show me where they are?

Me: “Sure, they’re right over here.” *takes them to the pads*

Customer: “Okay, thanks. I need it to be 14 by 11, so when are you going to cut it?”

Me: “I don’t cut it in the store. You have to cut it at home to fit your table.”

Customer: “You said you cut it here!”

Me: “No, I said you cut it yourself to fit the table.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know how to do that!”

Me: “You just lay it on the table and cut around the shape of the table.”

Customer: “Well, what am I supposed to use to cut it?! I don’t have a special table pad cutting machine!”

Me: “How about scissors?”

Customer: “Oh…okay, I’ll take it.”

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Can’t Cedar Forest For The Trees

| | Right | December 25, 2009

Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”

(I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)

Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”

Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”

Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”

Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”

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Please Press Any Brain Cell To Continue

| | Right | December 25, 2009

Me: “Alright, and can I have your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

Customer: *really, really long pause*

Customer: *customer looks back at cashier, still waiting*

Customer: *still silent*

Customer’s son: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s son: “She asked for the zip code.”

Customer: “I know. I told her she could have it!”

Customer’s son: *says the zip code*

Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize she wanted me to give it to her!”

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Even Santa Has To Read His List (And Check It Twice)

| | Right | December 24, 2009

(I’m working in layby (AKA layaways) and dealing with the Christmas shopping rush.)

Customer: “Can I organize delivery for this item?”

Me: “We can, but we can’t guarantee it will arrive before Christmas because you didn’t pay it off by the 1st.”

Customer: “What? Are you trying to ruin Christmas? My grandchildren will cry and find out there is no Santa. Nobody told me I had to pay it off by then!”

Me: “I’m sorry, all the terms and conditions of the layby were printed on your receipt…” *I point it out on the receipt* “See, right here, above where you signed to say that accepted them.”

Customer: “But nobody TOLD me to read them!”

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Million Dollar Baby (Carrots)

| | Right | December 23, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

(I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

(He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

Me: “What will who think?”

Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

(He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)

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