(I’ve gone to the counter to find an irate customer close to yelling at the teenage staff.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, I order item in November.” *it’s now February* “I have not been called. I was told two weeks, where is?”

Me: “Please give me a few moments to look for your order. Can I have your name please?”

(The customer gives me an unusual name so I go into ou r office to check orders and can find nothing regarding the order. I try calling our manager to see if she knows but can’t get through. I let the customer know and ask if I can have his phone number so I can call him when I find out, promising to call him right away. About fifteen minutes after he leaves the manager calls me back and I let her know what was going on.)

Manager: “Is this for [Unusual Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

(My manager tells me where his order form is and says that she had called the number he gave several times and had no response. The order had been put out for sale. I immediately call him back on the number he gave me and also get no response; it just rings out. Another month passes, I again find him yelling at the teenage staff because no one has called him.)

Me: “I did try to call you and the manager also called but there was no answer.”

Customer: *shakes his head furiously* “I have not been called; why didn’t you leave a message because I don’t answer my phone when I am driving!”

Me: “There was no way to leave a message. The phone just rang out. We placed another order but it’s not come in yet.”

(The customer clearly doesn’t believe me and is still violently shaking his head at me.)

Me: “Let me take your number again so I know it’s right; your name is—“ *I start spelling it out*

Customer: *stops head shaking* “You remember me?”

Me: “Yes I do, you are after [stock item] right?”

Customer: *now smiling* “Yes, this is my number; you can send me a text.”

Me: “No, we only ever call.”

Customer: “You have a cellphone, so you send me a text.”

Me: “I am sorry, we do not use our personal cellphones, only the company landline. We will call you.”

(The next day I give the manager his name and number.)

Manager: *pulls out his order form* “Wait a minute, that number is different to the one here.”

(She places the order again and again only part of it comes in, we give him a call on the new number and he comes in a few days later. He’s still upset and blaming us for not getting the other calls and only part of the order. I grab his order and also the order form which has notes written on it, stating dates we tried ordering and dates we tried calling him. I also point out the different phone numbers he gave. He looks at the number on the form which matched the one he gave me on his second visit.)

Customer: “How did you get that number? “

Me: “That’s the one you gave us”

Customer: “No, I wouldn’t have given you that one, that’s my work phone, I keep that locked in a drawer at work. I never use it.”

Me: “It’s what you gave us, twice.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry.”

(We finally did get the rest of the order in a couple of weeks later, now when he comes in he always gives us a big smile.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything tonight?”

Customer: “Yeah, are your prices here in dollars or Canadian dollars?”

(Cue several seconds of stunned silence as I try to contemplate what could lead someone to ask this question when the closest border crossing is a three-and-a-half-hour drive away.)

Me: “Well, we are in Canada, so…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know! I’m passing through from the States!”

(A customer comes to my register with two tins of paint.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this paint, please. I don’t like the colour.”

Me: “Of course. Would you like to exchange or… How much did you use exactly? This one feels empty.”

Customer: “It is, and the other is half full.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to return it given the amount you have used.”

Customer: “But I don’t like the colour!”

Me: “Did you try a test patch?”

Customer: “No, I had to paint the entire room to see if I liked it, and I didn’t.”

Me: “I really am sorry, but I can’t return it. You’ve used a considerable amount of paint already.”

Customer: “But I had to!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but there really is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Then you will call a manager down who will sympathise with me and have you fired?”

Me: “I can, but he will just tell you the same thing. You’ve used most of the product and it is impossible for you to return it. Our policy is very strict about this.”

Customer: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I HAD TO USE IT!” *storms away, leaving the paint behind*

(My store has just this morning had a meeting in which the loss prevention supervisor spent some time explaining his duties and emphasizing that no floor associate or cashier is allowed, ever, to pursue a shoplifter due to liability issues, but that we are required to report it immediately if we see theft. It is early spring and unseasonably warm. Seasonal workers are not yet scheduled, but a lot of customers are shopping in the garden center and I am the only employee on duty in that part of the store. I am behind a long counter adjacent to the exit door stocked with impulse-purchase-type merchandise, working the register at a closed-off end. The line to check out is ten or twelve people long. I am ringing up a man with two full flatbed carts of trees, planting mix, bagged fertilizer, etc., which are directly in front of me across the counter. Suddenly, a young man built like a football offensive lineman, a box under each arm, runs through the door of the main store and out the exit door by where I am working. A couple of the customers waiting in line run out after him. I immediately excuse myself to the customer I was helping and pick up the phone to page for a loss prevention associate or manager as I was instructed not two hours ago. The store manager responds, approaching the counter within a minute or so.)

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “A man just ran out of the store with what looked like two portable stereos.”

Manager: “You just let him run out? You made no attempt to stop him?”

Me: “Mr. [Manager], you were at the meeting this morning; you know I couldn’t have chased after him even if I was in a position to do so.”

Manager: “You saw him running; what stopped you from blocking the door?”

Me: “What? He was running, so there wouldn’t have been time, as well as there being a counter, a customer, and two large carts of merchandise directly in front of me! I was not going to risk hurting myself or someone else to vault the counter to try to stop a man twice my size!”

(The customers begin to chime in.)

Customer: *who I was checking out* “It happened so fast, I didn’t see anything.”

Other Customer: *who ran out the door after the thief* “Yeah, he had two boomboxes, and he jumped into a waiting car; there would have been no way to stop him, anyway, without someone getting run over.”

(The manager then took the details and walked back into the store, turning back and giving a final, “We can’t just let people run out with unpaid merchandise!” At least the customers were all supportive, telling me not to let the idiot manager get to me, as there was nothing I could have done, anyway.)

(The store where I work has, up until recently, been pretty lax about holding customers to our 65-day return policy. However, this spring, corporate decided to enforce it more strictly. Now, if a customer tries to return an item even one day past the allotted 65 days, our registers will completely freeze us out and we physically cannot process the return. As you’d expect, we get a fair number of customers who are less than pleased about this fact, but this lady has got to be the worst so far.)

Customer: *hands me a necklace and a receipt* “I’d like to return this, please.”

Me: “Certainly!” *goes through the return process, until an error message pops up that it can’t be returned* “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but it appears I can’t return this item as it is outside of our 65-day return policy.”

Customer: “But I shop here all the time! I just bought this necklace, and then went on vacation, and now I want to return it.”

(We hear this all the time, but honestly, unless you’re on vacation for over two months, you have no excuse.)

Me: “I understand your frustration, but our company did recently get stricter about the return policy, and unfortunately, I cannot take this return.”

Customer: “Is there a manager I can speak to about this?”

Me: *calls for a manager, all the while thinking* “Do you really think a manager will be able to get around corporate policy for you?”*

Assistant Manager: *approaching my register* “What’s up?”

Customer: “She’s saying she won’t take my return because it’s past 65 days. I just bought this necklace to go on vacation, but it didn’t go with my blouse, and now that I’m back home I want to return it.”

Assistant Manager: “I am sorry about that, ma’am, but because it is outside of our return policy, we can’t return this item.”

Customer: “But I shop here all the time! I spend so much money here you wouldn’t believe it! And if this is the way I’m going to be dealt with—“

Assistant Manager: *clearly trying to get ahead of what might be a very long, angry tirade* “I do apologize, ma’am, but unfortunately, there’s nothing we can—“

(The customer suddenly lunges forward across the counter and snatches the necklace and receipt out of [Assistant Manager]’s hands.)

Customer: *practically snarling with rage now* “Fine! I’ll just take care of it myself!”

Assistant Manager: *taken aback* “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to upset you. There’s no need to be disrespectful.”

Customer: *turning to walk out the door* “You’re the one who’s being disrespectful!”

Assistant Manager: “I didn’t mean to be, but…” *sighs, calls after [Customer]* “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

Customer: *from doorway* “Shove it!”

Assistant Manager: *quietly, so only she and I can hear* “Oh… Okay, then. You, too, ma’am, you, too.”