There Can Be Only One

| | Right | December 14, 2009

(I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

Me: “Hi, this is *** calling from [department store] to follow up with your concern.”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at 1 pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of sales people.”

Me: “Well…uh…how can I help you then?”

Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

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Domestically Dimwitted

| | Right | December 14, 2009

(Our store is famous for our women’s scents. I see a male customer looking uncomfortable.)

Customer: “Uh, miss? Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course. Who is it that you are shopping for today?”

Customer: “Well, we had a Secret Santa thing at the office, and I got this guy…um…he’s the kind of person with a domestic partner.”

Me: “Oh! I gotcha! We’ve got some great pre-made gift sets in the men’s department. There’s a wonderful shaving set and body washes, too.”

(I lead him to the men’s section. On the way, the customer sees a flowery red and pink gift box with one of our most popular woman’s fragrances inside.)

Customer: “What about this one? These are on sale, right?”

Me: “Well yes, but that’s really a more feminine fragrance, a strong floral. Let me show you–”

Customer: “No, no, no. DO-MES-TIC PART-NER. I really think he’ll like this one better. You know, cause he’s…well, you know…”

Me: “Sir, we could set up a gift card for you. That way, he can pick out his own body care since you are unsure.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me. He’s…the guy is gay. I’ll take this one.”

(To the unfortunate gift recipient: I am so terribly sorry! I’ll be thinking of you this Christmas!)

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Jesus On The Dance Floor

, | | Right | December 11, 2009

Customer: “Hey, you guys shouldn’t have this DVD on the shelf! It’s very inappropriate!”

(The customer hands me a copy of “Jesus Christ: Superstar”.)

Me: “What’s so bad about it?”

Customer: “It is inappropriate to portray the son of God like this! He is not a rockstar!”

Me: “Okay. Well, you can submit a complaint with our corporate office, because I can’t control what gets put on our shelves.”

Customer: “Okay, well I’m definitely adding in the fact that this DVD was horribly placed!”

Me: “Where was it?”

Customer: “It was on the floor! The son of God should not be on the floor!”

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Olfactional Hazards

, | | Right | December 11, 2009

(A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

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Why Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long, Part 2

| | Right | December 10, 2009

Customer: “My phone is broken, but it’s only two months old. I need a replacement.”

Me: “If your phone is less than 3 months old, I can give you a replacement today. Just let me have a look at it.”

Customer: “Why do you need to see it? It doesn’t work, and I was told if it broke within 3 months I get a new phone straight away.”

Me: “That’s right, but there are conditions, one being that the phone can’t have any liquid or physical damage. I need to check for that.”

Customer: “Fine, here.”

(When I open up the phone, it stinks of alcohol.)

Me: “Sorry, this smells like it has alcohol on it.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I dropped it in the sink and I know you won’t fix it if it has water damage, but I didn’t have any ethylated spirits, so I soaked it in vodka for 2 days to dry it out.”

Me: “You’ve just ruined your phone, and now I can’t give you another one.”

Customer: “What?! This is ridiculous! You should be more specific when you sell phones! You need to tell people that they can’t soak it in vodka!”

 

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