That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

, | | Right | February 24, 2009

(I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

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Way TooOOOOH Much Information

| | Right | February 23, 2009

(Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)

Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”

Little boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”

Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”

Little boy: *skips out toward main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!!!”

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Simultaneously Fighting And Financing The Man

| | Right | February 23, 2009

(This took place at a department store makeup counter. Everyone at the counter was wearing big makeup masks at the time.)

Customer: “Why are you wearing that?”

Me: “Well, we’re having a ‘theme day’ to be creative and have fun with the makeup we sell.”

Customer: “You know it’s bad for you, right?”

Me: “The makeup?”

Customer: “Yeah! All the CLEVER people say that!”

Coworker: *jumping in* “Well, we have educations here too, and–”

Customer: “Yeah, sure…you’re educated to sell this…this, stuff!”

Me: “Whether the makeup is bad for you or not depends on the ingredients. I’m happy to look every one of those up for you if you’re worried about the makeup harming you.”

Customer: “Yeah, right. All the dangerous ingredients are going to go right through my skin…and…the CLEVER people say that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m a chemistry major as well as a makeup artist, so I actually do know about the ingredients. I can assure you that–”

Customer: *turns to my coworker* “Could you help me find a blusher in a color that would suit me, please?”

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All Signs Point To Yes

| | Right | February 20, 2009

(A customer is at the refund counter to return a DVD player. I get called over to inspect it, because I work in the electronics department.)

Coworker: “Alright, everything seems okay. May I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands over her receipt, but it’s dated July. It was November at the time. Our return policy only allows for 45 days.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I cannot give you a refund, because this is from July.”

Customer: “But the electronics associate said I can return it anytime!”

Coworker: “Do you remember who it was?”

Customer: “It was that young man!” *points towards me*

Me: “Ma’am, I have never told you such a thing.”

Customer: “Yes you did! Are you calling me a liar?!”

Me: “Well, I’m just a seasonal worker who got hired two weeks ago, so…”

 

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The Queen Has Left The Building

| | Right | February 18, 2009

Customer, to a female employee: “You know who you look like? Elvis…”

Female employee: “…Thanks?”

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