The Epic Saga Of Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum

| Norwalk, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(I work as the main cashier at my store during the 5 to 11 shift. One day several months ago some kid tried to purchase a toy lizard without having the money for it. At first I didn’t think much of it but, on a whacky whim, I put him on my shoulder for a little bit and the customers loved it. I bought the lizard and he’s been a mainstay ever since. I bring him out once or twice a month and usually let him ‘rest’ on my shoulder or head. Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum has been a huge hit, especially with the kids. A lot of people think he’s alive, though, due to me being in constant motion checking people out and it’s usually not until they get up to the checkout that they realize he’s not. A customer enters in with two kids, a boy and girl, in tow. The boy doesn’t seem to notice or care as I welcome them but the girl smiles and waves to me.)

Daughter: “Mommy! Mommy! Look! There’s a lizard on his head!” *points to Reginald*

(The mother doesn’t say anything but gives a quite clearly startled look as they continue on. Several minutes later they arrive at the cashier.)

Me: “Hello. How are you today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Mother: *looking at my head* “Is he real?”

Me: “Reginald? Yes. He’s a real fake lizard.” *I take him off my hand and put him in the palm of my hand and bring him down for all three to see*

Me: “See? Want to touch?”

(The kids eagerly do so and give him a poke before giggling. The mother looks very wary as she extends her finger forwards and, gingerly, touches him on his lizard-horn. She suddenly freaks out and swats at my hand sending Reginald to the ground as she darts away. Reggie lands on his back with the ‘Made in China’ showing clearly. The son quickly picks it up, hands it to his slightly taller sister, who gives it back to me as the mother calms down.)

Daughter: “Here you go, mister!”

Mother: “Oh, dear lord, I thought he was real!”

Son: “Mommy. Can I buy him?”

Me: “Sorry. Reginald is not for sale. But there are plenty of his cousins in the toy aisle including some dinosaurs and the like in case you’re interested. They cost about five bucks each.”

Mother: “Do you want one?”

(Both the son and daughter agree and run off, returning a moment later, with another lizard that looks like Reginald and a T-rex, right as we finish checking out.)

Mother: “All right. And add these to the order. Oh, my word, I haven’t been so startled in years. May I have your name?”

Me: “Sure. It’s [My Name], and the lizard is Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum.”

Mother: “Thank you so much.”

(I found out later that night that they had filed a survey and given me a high score. Sadly, the tale of Sir Reginald did not end on a happy note when he was stolen a few months later, just before Christmas. However, his heir, Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum the Second, has proven to be just as popular as his predecessor and has even had an outfit made for him for the Christmas season. My balance and posture has also drastically improved as well, thanks to him resting on top of my head all day.)

Telling A Label Fable

| UK | At The Checkout, Money

(I am cashiering when a customer comes up to the colleague next to me. She has a barbecue set and is claiming that it is being sold for £19.99. It is actually priced at £89.99 according to the giant sticker, however the customer points to a small sticker on the side, which is reserved for clothing items only, and says so on the sticker itself. She doesn’t take no for an answer and asks for a manager. The manager weakly puts up a defense for not dropping the price, but I’m losing my patience with how dense the customer is being while carrying a smug grin. I kindly ask my customers to wait a moment.)

Customer: “BUT IT SAYS £19—”

Me: “Actually, that set is £89.99. I put that price on myself yesterday.”

Customer: “BUT THE STICKER—”

Me: “This one? It says ‘CLOTHING ONLY’ along the top. It has either has been incorrectly placed or someone else put it there to get a bargain.” *Customer blushes*

Customer: “But you have to honour it!”

Me: “No, we don’t. The sticker clearly does not belong on that item, and therefore we are not bound into sell it for that price. The whole reason for the labelled sticker is to protect against this happening. In fact, even if the sticker was the right one, but for the wrong price, we still reserve the right to refuse the sale if you don’t want to pay the actual price. So your choice is either pay £89.99, or get out.”


Me: “If we sold it to you at your price, we would lose £70 on a £90 sale. I can already see three customers in line with one, so I think they’re popular enough to be sold to people who are willing to pay what they’re worth.”

(The customer looks around, mouths “f*** you” and runs out of the store.)

Manager: “Well done! I was just going to lower the price.”

Next Customer: “And that’s why he’ll have your job someday. Loss prevention is a big deal when it comes to retail, and had it been me in charge you would have had to explain that loss. I might actually introduce a label system like that at my store. It’s genius!”

(I ended up getting written up for mouthing off to a customer and “losing the sale.” I didn’t really care as it was just a job until I went to university. I left shortly after a new general manager took over, and decided that the manager in the story wasn’t allowed to handle sales anymore, and she wasn’t allowed to be the only manager on duty because of it.)

Scoring Ten For Security

| MD, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(In our store, we are instructed to check any bill bigger than a $5 to see if it’s counterfeit. It takes about a second and people usually don’t care, but not everybody is so easygoing. This happens as I’m ringing out a customer who’s paying with a $10.)

Me: *checking the $10 bill*

Customer: *sneering, in the snottiest tone of voice I’ve ever heard* “Ugh. I can’t believe this. Who even checks tens?”

Me: *as I’m cashing her out* “People who have received counterfeit $10 bills in the past.”

Customer: *face falls; she then speaks with none of the snot in her previous statement* “Wait, really? You really get fake tens?”

Me: “Just last week, in fact.”

Customer: *sounding surprised, and somewhat pleasant* “Oh!”

(She gave me no more snot about checking for fake bills. I’m glad that went as well as it did. Some people take me checking bills as directly calling them a counterfeiter.)

Providing Out-Of-The-Box Service

, | TN, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

(I am another customer in the store purchasing a new phone charger and I overhear this conversation between a manager and an older man. The older man had purchased the phone online from some website that’s not run by this service provider, but had it activated under them. The man’s phone rings; the ringtone is a popular rap song by a female artist. He answers his phone and can hear the manager who has called it but the manager can’t hear him.)

Manager: “I think the problem is the speaker on your phone. You can hear me, but I can’t hear you. And you said something about the ringtones?”

Older Man: “They were all just already on there. It came with them.”

Manager: “See, that’s not normal. Okay, what we can do for you in here today is cancel this phone line and you can purchase a new phone but—”

Older Man: “I don’t understand. If the phone is broken why do I have to pay for a new one?”

Manager: “Well, you can always contact whoever you purchased it from and see if there’s a warranty on it. But it wasn’t from us, so if you want us to fix it, there will be a charge. I can see if you’re eligible for your upgrade.”

Older Man: “I JUST bought the thing! It was brand new right out of the box! If you’re not providing me with a service then why am I even here?”

Manager: “Sir, we are providing you with a service. We are the phone company that you use, but we didn’t supply the phone. Whoever sold you that phone probably sold you a damaged phone.”

Older Man: “They couldn’t have! It was brand new right of the box!”

(Just then his phone rings and he answers it.)

Older Man: “Hello? Hello?” *hangs up* “THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU NEED TO FIX MY PHONE!”

Manager: “We can certainly do that, but there will be a charge, unless you contact whoever it was that you purchased the phone from. If it’s under warranty with them then they will send you a new phone for free.”

Older Man: “So I’m supposed to go several days without a phone?! This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to wait! I don’t know why I have you as a phone company when you won’t provide me service!”

Manager: “Sir—”

(At this point my transaction was finished and I walked out of the store this man cursing about needing to make phone calls. Somehow I don’t think Nicki Minaj comes standard on brand new out of the box phones, though….)

Not Exactly Making You Feel Like A Million Dollars

| QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

Customer: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like an actress?”

(I get told this a bit.)

Me: “Hilary Swank?”

Customer: “No, not her. She’s in that movie.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “The one Clint Eastwood did.”

Me:Million Dollar Baby?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Me: “Do you mean Hilary Swank?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s her. You’re like the B version.”

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