One winter, our store was selling hand soaps with a cartoon polar bear and penguin on the label.

Customer: “The packaging on these soaps is irresponsible!”

I can already smell the specific brand of customer crazy coming off of her. If I’m lucky, I can fob her off to our complaints email.

Me: “Would you like the email address for our—”

Customer: “—You have penguins and polar bears in the same place!”

Okay, I guess I’m dealing with this.

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is a winter-themed pack, so—”

Customer: “—Polar bears and penguins live on different poles! Do you know how inaccurate this is! People are going to look at this pack and think they live in the same place!”

Me: “Ma’am, they’re also all wearing scarves and sitting down to have tea together. I don’t think anyone is going to look at this and assume it’s accurate.”

Customer: “I shop here every Wednesday! By next week, I expect this packaging to be rectified!” *Leaves.*

I was incredibly happy when next week’s schedule showed that I was off next Wednesday!

I’m a closing manager at a really busy store on a Saturday. I jumped on a register to help out my one and only cashier as we had a line to the back of the building. I’m ringing up my customer, and a woman interrupts the transaction, waving an item in my face.

Woman: “I just bought this from here; can you tell me what batteries I need?”

Me: *Still scanning my customer’s items.* “We’re extremely busy at the moment, ma’am. Please get the instructions out of the box, and it should tell you, as I don’t know off the top of my head.”

A few minutes later, as I’m still ringing up customers with baskets full, here she comes again.

Woman: “It doesn’t say what batteries it requires in the instructions.”

Me: *To my current customer.* “Could you please give me a minute?”

The customer kindly nods, and I walk over to this woman and open the instructions booklet for her item.

Me: “Ma’am, it says right here on the first page you need three AA batteries.”

Woman: “Oh, okay! I got it.”

I go back to my customer I was waiting on, but here she comes again…

Woman: “Where are your batteries at?”

I point to all the displays within eye shot.

Me: “There, there, and there.”

Another few minutes go by, and she interrupts me AGAIN!

Woman: “I can’t find what I need.”

I ask my customer, who I was waiting on, to excuse me for a second. I pranced my a** to the batteries and put in her hand a pack of 4 AA batteries.

Me: “This is what you need.”

I get through my long line, and give my cashier a high five for kicking a**. As I turn around to go back on the floor to do manager stuff… HERE SHE COMES AGAIN.

Woman: “You didn’t give me the right batteries!”

Me: *In disbelief.* “I gave you exactly what you needed.”

Woman: “No, you didn’t!  I only need three AA batteries, and you gave me four. I’ve been looking for the three pack.”

Me: “Ma’am, batteries are sold in twos, so you get two, four, or eight batteries at a time.”

I walked away after that as I genuinely had a lot of managerial work to do. She was still there, looking at the batteries, an hour later…

Related:
A Battery Of Questions, Part 2
A Battery Of Questions

I have a coworker who speaks English well, but it’s not their first language. They can get similar-sounding words confused sometimes. I’m discussing some shift changes with him and another coworker:

Me: “Do you know why [Manager] decided to have so many of us on the opening shift?”

Coworker: “No, I don’t know. That’s above my gay parade.”

Me: “[Coworker]… are you trying to say pay grade?”

Coworker: *Stops to think.* “Yes, I think that makes more sense.”

Other Coworker: “Maybe [Manager] put us all on the opening shift so we can leave early for the gay parade!”

Now, whenever we’re confused by an upper management decision, we all agree it must be above our “gay parades”.

I’m in line at a small store. There’s one customer ahead of me, an older woman. The cashier is going a bit slow, but it’s not that busy, and I’m not in a rush, so no biggie.

Cashier: “Your total is $16.”

The customer pulls out a twenty, but then says:

Customer: “Oh, wait, I have a dollar.”

She gets a dollar out and hands the cashier $21. This is what I would do if I wanted a clean $5 in change.

The cashier looks confused and takes the twenty, but leaves the one on the counter. She then starts slowly counting out four more ones in change, when the customer ahead of me says:

Customer: “I ain’t going to a strip club, give me a five!”

The cashier got it, eventually. She looked really happy when it was my turn, and I was paying with my credit card.

I’m working in a grocery store, bagging for a couple who have brought their own reusable bags. After I’ve filled their bags, they still have more groceries, so I ask:

Me: “Is it alright if the rest go in plastic?”

Customer #1: “Yes, that’s fine.”

I start bagging the rest in plastic when the other customer asks:

Customer #2: “Are these bags green?”

Me: *Thinking maybe he didn’t hear me.* “They’re plastic.”

Customer #2: *Asks again.* “Are these bags green?”

Me: *Getting confused now, I start thinking, “Is he asking if we recycle them?”* “Y-yeah, I guess?”

Thankfully, he picks up on my confusion.

Customer #2: “Sorry, I’m colorblind. Are these bags green?”

Me: “Oh!”

The store’s main color is green, but the plastic bags are a tan brown.