A Brain The Size Of A Jelly Bean

, , , | Right | June 15, 2017

Customer: “Where are the jelly beans?”

Me: “Jelly beans are right this way.”

(I take her to the candy aisle and show her the selection.)

Me: “Would you like [Popular Brand], or [Store Brand]?”

Customer: “No, those aren’t jelly beans.”

(It’s hard to abide by “the customer is always right” here, because, well… something either IS a jelly bean or it ISN’T.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Well, can you describe to me what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Jelly beans. The ones I bought before didn’t come in all those colors.”

Me: “So they were all one flavor, not mixed?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am; we only carry the mixed ones.”

Customer: “They were bigger than those! I bought them last week!”

(I start to assume there’s some sort of confusion, and begin showing her various gummies: gummy melons, bears, fish, etc. To my amusement, several other guests have begun assisting me in my quest for “jelly beans,” as the customer grows more impatient.)

Customer: “A-ha! I found them. These are the jelly beans, young lady.”

(She has picked up a bag of chocolate candies.)

Me: “They were chocolate, foil wrapped, with the little flag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that. Well, happy holidays, ma’am.”

(She later complained to the manager about my lack of product knowledge.)

Different Accents Of Racism

, , , , , | Working | June 14, 2017

(I am a head cashier. I have been called to the checkouts to assist a young couple of Indian descent. After serving them:)

Manager: “It’s a good thing you could handle that. I couldn’t understand a word they were saying.”

Me: “They sounded Glaswegian to me.”

Manager: “How would you know? You’re from Sheffield.”

Me: “Why didn’t you? Haven’t you lived in Glasgow all your life?”

Manager: “True. I wonder why I couldn’t understand them.”

Me: “Racism?”

(She wasn’t best pleased with me.)

A Clean Death

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I’m stocking when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, this is going to sound stupid, but you know how there are cleaners with ammonia in them? Can you buy just the ammonia and do you sell it?”

Me: “You absolutely can and we absolutely do.”

(I take her to chemicals and point out the ammonia.)

Customer: “Oh, thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome.” *joking while laughing* “Just don’t mix it with bleach.”

Customer: *looks at me wide eyed* “Why?”

Me: “Because you’ll create mustard gas and it will kill you.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She stood there looking at the ammonia and I walked to the next aisle. Two seconds later she left without buying anything.)

Containing This Monkey Business

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I work in the front office of a local appliance company. On this particular day I’m busy with something at my desk when in my peripheral vision I see a customer walk by wheeling something in front of him. Since he is heading in the direction of our service department I just assume he is pushing something on a dolly to be looked at. I don’t think anything of it. A few minutes later we hear a strange noise like an animal chattering.)

Coworker: “What was that?”

Me: “If someone brought a bird in here, I’m leaving. I hate birds.”

Coworker: “Maybe it was the wheels of that guy’s cart squeaking against the floor.”

(I remember a story one of my other coworkers had told me about an animal someone had brought in once before, but I wasn’t ready to believe it would happen again. That is, until the man with the cart walks by again and I see that he isn’t pushing an appliance on a dolly, he is wandering back and forth through the store with a cage containing two monkeys.)

Me: “He’s got a monkey!”

Coworker: “Oh, man, the monkey lady is back.”

(The man left the store a moment later with the monkeys and shortly following, the lady in question came up to pay for her order. When she left the owner came out of his office.)

Owner: “Last time she had the thing sitting on her shoulder. Which was fine until it jumped onto another customer’s back. Fortunately they didn’t mind but if it had been someone else we could’ve been in real trouble.”

Coworker: “And when she came to pay last time it was picking up pens off the counter and throwing them while she laughed and said ‘you’re a naughty little monkey!’”

Owner: “So we told her if she ever brought it back with her it had to be contained. She kept asking why, like she couldn’t understand that a lot of people don’t like monkeys.”

(At least she did end up listening!)

Our Great Nation’s Education

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I am cashiering as a customer approaches and places his various items on the counter. I scan each and get to the total.)

Me: “Your total is going to be $17.76.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pull out credit card with US flags on it*

Me: “Ha! How cool; your card has US flags on it with your total.”

Customer: “Excuse me? What’s that mean…? I do swipe here, right?”

Me: “Uhm, yes, you do. I was just saying it was kind of a coincidence that your card has flags on it with your total being 17.76.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, I’m not getting your reference.” *slides card and confirms amount… receipt prints*

Me: “It’s just a year in US history. A lot happened on it.”

Customer: “Right, I never took advanced classes like that.”

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