You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 4

| Melbourne, Australia | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, can you please help me find the new [brand] MP3 player? The one with the built in paedophile?”

Me: “I’m sorry, built in what?”

Customer: “Paedophile, that thing that keeps track of your footsteps?”

Me: “Ah, yes. That would be a pedometer.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I can say with 100% certainty that none of our products have a built-in paedophile.”

You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Item
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

Not The Best Display Of Human Behavior

| Yorktown, NY, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

Customer: “What do you do with the old displays?”

Me: “We keep most of them on display year-round. The rest are usually thrown away if they display old merchandise.”

Customer: “Can I ask a manager if I can just buy the ones on display right now?”

Me: “I can call him if you’d like, but he’s locked in the office right now checking the safe. We’re closing in a few minutes.”

(I call my manager on the office phone but he promptly replies the same way I did: she cannot buy any of the displays.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re unable to sell them to you. Is there anything I can help you with otherwise? We’re closing and my register will be shut down soon so if you’d like to buy anything, now’s your chance.”

(Woman looks at me and walks out the front door. About ten minutes later, I’m counting out the register drawers and my manager calls over the intercom.)

Manager: “Hey [my name], could you come to the stock room when you get a chance? We need you to identify this woman we found in the dumpster stealing our displays.”

Honey, I Shrunk The Brain

| WA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(We pack and sell raw local honey in plastic jars.)

Customer: “I don’t like these plastic jars. They are messy. You should use glass jars.”

Me: “Glass is much heavier, and it breaks so easily. But I’ve never noticed it being messier to deal with. How does it trouble you?”

Customer: “Plastic leaks.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “I take a bit of honey each night before bed. And every morning there is a ring of honey on the nightstand where it has leaked out of the jar.”

Me: “I know if the jar is poured, you must wipe it off or the drip will run down the outside and make a sticky mess. But the same is true of any honey jar.”

Customer: “No, it leaks out the bottom. And only plastic jars.”

Me: “But all these boxes here are full of plastic jars, and the box bottoms are clean and dry.”

Customer: “Well, of course it doesn’t do it here. It’s only on nightstands!”

Kids Pop The Best Questions

| Redding, CA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(I’m currently 8 months pregnant with a little boy, and in my anticipation of my impending motherhood I love chatting to the little ones that come through my line.)

Me: “How old are you?”

Boy: “I’m four, but I am three feet tall which is really tall for my age. I am just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger, just like you are going to get fatter and fatter and fatter.”

(I laugh hysterically.)

Mother: “Honey, she isn’t fat. There’s a baby in there.”

Boy: *wide eyes* “How do they get a baby in there? Why is she working?”

Mother: “I don’t know why she is working.”

Me: “I’m going to have a little boy just like you who is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger.”

Boy: *panicked and near tears* “But you’ll pop!”

Faux Papa

| PA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! I was just wondering if I could return something to your store.”

Me: “Sure! That is no problem. Do you still have the receipt?”

Caller: “Yes I do.”

Me: “Than that should be no problem. Feel free to bring it in.”

Caller: “Oh, thank you so much. You see, I bought it for my son’s new baby, but it turns out that it’s not his…”

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